At the Violet Hour
by Kathey27
Summary: It starts, like so many other things in his life, with a fight. A quick left hook that leaves him dazed and bruised and hurting and, and, and…feeling. And that's ultimately what has him slamming her down to the floor... Post 'Malleus Maleficarum'.
1. Season Three

**A/N: I had no control over this; my iTunes turned to an Adele song and about two days, two Eminem, one Pink, two Black Lab and one Trent Dabbs song(s) later, this was before me …so if this sucks, blame the iTunes!**

**This is set three days after 'Malleus Maleficarum' and onwards. A few of the episodes are going to have minor changes to them to suit the story, like the dream sequence including Lisa in 'Dream a Little Dream of Me', 'Ghostfacers', 'Time Is on My Side', and 'No Rest for the Wicked'.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned anything, Ruby would've never been kicked out of her body by Lilith, she would've taken care of Sammy while Dean was down in Hell and kept him away from demon blood, instead helping him and Bobby to hunt; she would've helped them fight against the angels and would've befriended Cas pretty fast because they're both kickass and she would've killed Anna right away. She would've convinced Cas to stay at the end of season 5 and would've kept Dean sane, the three of them with Bobby continuing hunting in Sam's name; come season 6 Dean would've come to his senses and kissed her, resulting in an epic love affair for the grand-demon-kids; she would've helped Cas and kept him from going to Crowley, saving us all a lot of heartache…but I don't own anything so…yeah…**

**xxxxxx**

It starts, like so many other things in his life, with a fight. A quick left hook that leaves him dazed and bruised and hurting and, and, and…_feeling._ And that's ultimately what has him slamming her down to the floor, his body pinning her warm (warm, so warm, something evil shouldn't be that warm) and hard body beneath his.

If the lack of her fighting him is strange he doesn't comment, he simply leans down and crushes his lips to hers, hands roaming and groping. (He knows she has the strength to shove him through a wall so he doesn't comment on the lack of throwing and bitching).

Her hands, callused and worn down by years of war like his, run themselves around him, through him, in him.

He doesn't remember who tore open whose shirt or who threw who against the wall but what he does remember is the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach when he wakes the next morning and she isn't there.

xxxxxx

The next time it's after a werewolf hunt that leaves him beaten and tired and she's the one to give the first kiss. It's rough and tainted with so many things he can't identify.

There are no words shared, just a single _fuck me now_ glance thrown between before she claws their clothes off and jumps him.

Afterwards, once they've destroyed every piece of furniture in sight and then some he's left clutching her to his side. When she asks kindly if he'll fucking let go of her, his response is a shove to the side and a tumble of sheets.

From the floor she glares, her onyx eyes promising pain (good, pain he can do).

She's gone before he can even blink.

xxxxxx

If Sam suspects anything he says nothing.

When she meets up with them outside of Dallas and they spend their time sniping and shooting heated glances at one another Sam ignores them.

(He's imagining throwing her down on the diner table, Sam be damned).

(She's picturing shoving him against the wall, Sam can watch).

Sam just rolls his eyes and continues to munch on his salad.

xxxxxx

She gets him back for pushing her off the bed.

She claws and bites and rides and leaves blood in her wake when she's done with him.

If he hadn't been so drained he might have even admitted he enjoyed it.

(He lets the marks on his neck and back heal on their own, the pulsing bitterness welcoming).

xxxxxx

He's a Winchester so of course he has to (try) have the last say.

When he slams her down on the cold granite floor and yanks up her skirt (since when does she wear skirts?) and leaves a trail of bruises across her neck and hips he can't help but feel pride beam through him.

But then she flips them over and reciprocates.

The fact that Sammy is in the Impala all but seven yards away just adds to the rush of lust they're both going through.

xxxxxx

If Sam notices the matches bruises he says nothing, just continues to research and go on food runs.

(When Sam returns he can't help but notice that the dresser hadn't been standing at that angle when he'd left and the carpet smelled different than it had an hour ago).

xxxxxx

(Instead of sneering at her jokes, he now finds himself biting down on his lips to keep from laughing).

xxxxxx

It happens by accident. Sammy excuses himself to go do research ("Nerd." They simultaneously accuse) and leaves them at the semi-decent diner by themselves.

They silently glare at each other for a few minutes but when the waitress comes by they suddenly shift roles, no longer hunter and demon allies/fuck buddies.

The hour passes by with quiet smiles and wide laughter. (He makes her laugh and she gets him to try pickles).

At the end of the meal (not a date, never a date) they're both grinning madly and playing footsie.

When they realize what they're doing she runs out and he stays frozen in his seat, anger and denial setting in.

xxxxxx

(Instead of the traditional 'shortbus' or 'jackass' thrown out she greets him with a rough kiss when Sam's back is turned).

xxxxxx

She comes after the Dream Sequences and when he slams her against the dresser it** isn't** to get rid of the image of a human her and a regular him happy and with kids. (Happy, so so happy that it almost hurt).

When he bruises her lips with his, he doesn't love the faint taste of berries and sulfur.

(But he does, he loves it so, so much).

But hey, he's hell bound anyways, might as well get used to the taste.

xxxxxx

She takes her time getting dressed and when she gets up to leave she plants a single, sloppy kiss to his forehead.

If it hadn't been so demeaning, he might not have even wiped it off.

xxxxxx

By now Sam's sure something's up, after all he'd been there when Dream Ruby had pulled Dean into a loving kiss and he hadn't pulled away. He's there when they snipe and growl and send hard (soft) glances at one another. He sees them eyeing each other when they think he can't see.

Hell, by now they have him rooting for them.

xxxxxx

Since she won't talk, he does. He talks mostly about Sam (he ignores the incest comments she lazily throws out) and his dad and how he was raised to be a good little soldier. (He avoids anything about his mom; there are some things no…fuck buddy needs to know).

In return she stays the night and keeps his bed warm.

(Anything to remind himself he's still alive, anything to remind himself he's still _human_).

xxxxxx

She won't tell him but the reason she lets him talk so much is because she gets the faint impression that Sam doesn't let him do it often and she knows what it's like to be ignored and thought less of.

(Demon, _hello_?)

xxxxxx

If he actually starts to look forward to her visits he doesn't say.

So when she spends two weeks away instead of admitting he missed her he shoves her into the back seat of the Impala, swallowing her moans and ripping through her clothes.

When she reaches for the car door to leave, he has to sit down on his hands to keep himself from reaching out to her.

xxxxxx

(Someone's been spending time in Egypt).

xxxxxx

If she's pissed he ignored three of her calls she doesn't say.

So when he opens the motel door instead of telling him where he can shove it she pushes him down to floor and bruises his lips and skin with her skilled hands and tongue.

When he lies down besides her, out of breath and sporting three new bruises she has to hold her tongue to keep from apologizing and tracing them with her fingertips.

xxxxxx

(Looks like he isn't vacationing alone).

xxxxxx

Somehow she must have known about the six months he spent dead because her kisses are slower, deeper next time.

Instead of shoving him to the ground, she maneuvers him to the bed and crawls on top of him, peppering kisses wherever possible. She takes her time taking off their clothes, a sloppy kiss pressed to every new inch of skin revealed.

(It's the first time in all the two and a half months they've been…together, that he gets the impression they're making love and not just fucking).

Afterwards she starts the talking with a single sentence: "Tricksters' are jackasses."

(He doesn't bother to ask how she knew; she wouldn't have told him anyways).

xxxxxx

In between the rough touches and quick fucks, they both make sure to throw in the occasional soft caress or warm glance.

xxxxxx

The next time he sees her she's ready to sacrifice a virgin and while he can't find it in himself to hate her, he finds he can hate himself for _not_ hating her. Despite his protests he sees the truth in her words.

When it's all over and she returns to inform them of their failure, he's almost sure it's relief he sees in her eyes.

xxxxxx

When Sam finally confronts him, he finds he can't say anything. All he can do is think back to **that **conversation, the one that had started it all.

(_"So the devil may care after all, is that what I'm supposed to believe?"_

"_I don't believe in the devil."_

…

"_The answer is yes by the way."_

"_I'm sorry?"_

"_Yes, the same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later hell will burn away your humanity…"_

…

"_There's no way of saving me from the pit, is there?"_

"..._No."_

…

"…_I remember what it's like."_

"_What what's like?"_

"..._Being human."_)

When it comes down to it Sam just wants to know how it all happened and even then, he has no answer to give.

xxxxxx

Instead of waiting for him to talk she now starts the conversation with the odd comment or two.

("This is my actual body you know…I remade it using good old witchcraft. Feels real, huh?")

("I never did have much love for bras. Feel free to rip those off too from now on.")

He's not actually listening.

xxxxxx

(Her favorite color's brown.

She loves cheese pizza with pepper and salt spilled over it.

She used to have a little brother named David and that's why she looks after Sam the way she does.

Her name used to be Caroline.

She loves '80s movies and thinks television turned to crap after '05.

She doesn't remember much about David, but she does remember she loved him and that was good enough to get her through hell.)

xxxxxx

When they're all stuck at that haunted house and those retards Ed and Harry ask if she's single and she flashes them her black eyes, he holds down the smirk threatening to escape his lips.

When Harry still tries to put the moves on her he growls and sends him a Winchester death glare.

She smiles (smiles, doesn't smirk. She hasn't smirked at him in a long while) and indicates her head ever so slightly to the left, promising him a good night.

xxxxxx

Eventually he starts to open up about his mother, small pieces of his soul spilling through the sentences.

After a while she starts spending the nights, allowing herself to relax in his arms.

xxxxxx

When they run across Roy and Walt and they accidently see her flash her onyx eyes at him, it's him and not Sam who jumps to her defense first.

He's the one to stand in front of her, shielding her from their guns and flasks.

He vouches the loudest and he threatens to kick their asses if they take one more step towards her.

Later when they're back at their nightly motel and Sam's gone out for food, he grasps her wrists in his and checks her over for any injuries.

She hides the tears threatening to spill.

(No one's ever looked at her like that before…like she _mattered_).

xxxxxx

Just one month and a half left…

("I think I might…"

"…I know…me too.")

Neither says it; they don't have to.

It stopped being just sex a long time ago.

(Was it _ever_ **just** sex?)

xxxxxx

(His favorite song is between Ramble On and Traveling Riverside Blues.

He was named after his grandmother.

He used to play T-Ball. He hasn't since the Fire.

He shot his first gun at six.

He resents his father. While he was a good man, he was shitty dad.

He remembers his mother's warm smile and blueberry pies. Always blueberries.)

xxxxxx

They don't bother to hide the kisses now, or the occasional touches that just recently (always were) turned gentle.

Sam still says nothing, just asks them to pass the syrup and stop eyeing each other, there are kids in the diner.

xxxxxx

After the phone call that wasn't he collapses against her, taking in deep, deep breaths that somehow just leave him even more breathless than the previous.

"I thought…"

When he can't find the words, she picks up right after him.

"I know."

"I wanted it…but…Sammy…should have known…"

When he can't continue, she finishes it for him.

"You got hopeful."

"It hurts…not supposed to hurt this much anymore…"

When he can't find it in himself to breathe, she takes the breaths for him.

"It'll never pass, five years, ten years…seven hundred years…it never goes away…"

When he can't sleep that night without her body pressed against his, she ignores Sam's phone calls from both their phones and holds him through the nightmares.

xxxxxx

The rough touches are fleeting now, only used after a bad hunt or an innocent life lost.

Soft hands and warm, soothing kisses, replace them.

(She almost sobs the first time; so much lost time, so much).

Afterwards he holds her and strokes her hair.

(He holds down the tears at the thought of his deadline; so much wasted time, so much).

xxxxxx

When Bela appears to kill her boys she's right there waiting for her. After a long and tiring argument, she'd managed to get Dean and Sam out of town, telling them she'd deal with the 'British Twit'.

When the motel doors open and the faint bullets shoot through the air, she already knows she's going to enjoy this.

"Nice to finally meet you. I've heard oh so many awful things about you."

Bela, fearless as always, holds the gun before herself and it's all she can do to keep from laughing her ass off.

She flashes her onyx eyes once and that's all it takes for Bela to drop the gun. "What do you want?"

She feels a small burst of pride at the fear in the woman's voice.

"Why are you trying to kill **my** boys?"

Hesitation and within a matter of seconds she has her pinned to the wall.

"I want a name. Now."

A painful gasp. "Lilith."

She freezes for a moment about to demand what the damn Hell Spawn wants with her guy – Sam's the want she wants – when it hits her. She feels a hysterical laugh threaten to escape as the realization hits her again and _again_ and **again**.

Of course it's Lilith. Of course.

"She holds Dean's deal…doesn't she?"

Silence and more realization.

The laugh escapes. "And yours too, huh?"

By now the tears that been at the corners of Bela's eyes are spilling down her face and are clogging the woman's throat. She can't find it in herself to feel sorry for the British woman.

"You know, the funny thing is that if you'd just told them they would have helped you. They're very annoying like that."

She allows Bela to drop to the ground, smirking deeply. "The only reason, the _only _reason you're still alive is because Sam wouldn't want your blood on their hands. The only. Tell Lilith to shove it out her ass. She's not getting her hands on the Winchesters."

When she at the door and ready to leave, six little words stop her in her tracks.

"I'll be seeing him in hell."

She grits her teeth together and the sound of the approaching hell hounds are all that keep her from turning around. "Be sure to tell Alastair hey for me."

xxxxxx

(She holds him close, hands and tongue tracing over every scar and mark.

She's determined to have him memorized before the night's over).

Tick, tock, tick, tock…

(He lets her have him, eyes roaming and soaking everything in.

He's determined to have her image as a means of remembering and keeping).

xxxxxx

When he looked at her she had expected disgust, maybe even some vomiting and revulsion. Instead he stood before her, watching her with unveiled eyes, completely motionless.

"You look…"

She doesn't give him a chance to answer. "Yeah, I know." She knows he sees shadows tainted with blood, the screams of those she had to torture on her way out of hell, the darkness that envelopes her and the small spark of what used to be her humanity still trying to fight its way through all the rest.

She knows she's hideous.

"I like it." He whispers and when her eyes meet his, she can't help but believe him.

xxxxxx

It ends, like so many other things in her life, with a cry. A broken, denial-filled sob escapes her body as she watches him being ripped to shreds. She fights Lilith's hold and sees Sam do the same but it's no use. When Sam finally manages to break the holds and banishes Lilith she allows herself to slide to the ground, eyes stuck on his broken, bloody body.

If Bobby's entrance and matching sobs affect her she doesn't let it show. She simply crawls her way over to his side, ignoring Sam's rambling that he's fine and good and that they'll take care of him. She caresses his frozen, pale face and allows the sobs to continue to rip through her.

When Bobby's managed to convince both her and Sam to let go of the body she curls into herself and watches numbly as Bobby tries to comfort Sam and then her.

No results are earned.

xxxxxx

(She should have known. It always ends bloody for her doesn't it?)

xxxxxx

After the funeral (the only ones there were her, Sam, Bobby and the Harvelles) when they're back at Bobby's house she doesn't leave Sam's side. She follows him around the house numbly ignoring Bobby's insistence that she eats something or sits down.

She can't.

It's up to her now. She has to protect Sammy. She has to get him ready for war.

xxxxxx

(She rebuilds the cage around her heart).

xxxxxx

Bobby sets her up with her own room once it's evidential she's not going anywhere. She follows Sam around (knocking beer bottles out of his hands and shoving him into the shower when necessary), keeps Jo company when she needs someone to reminisce with (she tries to ignore the fact that the blonde besides her had loved him as well) and helps Bobby with his research.

When it's been a month and Sam still won't leave the house she snaps, yelling and crying and throwing. She sobs for all she's worth and demands to know what gives him the right to throw away the second chance he'd been given.

Afterwards Sam holds her and they cry together, their aching hearts calling out to a hazel eyed man who'd been all they'd ever had and more.

xxxxxx

(She adds another layer to her cage; can't have Sam seeing her like that again.

No, she has to be **him** now. Strong and steady).

xxxxxx

She holds down the watery smile threatening to escape when Sam hands her the keys to the Impala. They have a werewolf hunt down in Texas and she doesn't need him thinking she needs more time.

She grips the keys tightly in her hands and slides into the driver's seat smoothly.

She sets the radio up as loud as it'll go, Lynn Meredith's voice drowning out the ones in her head.

("_Fuck me."_

"_Gladly sweetheart."_

…

"_You should eat more. Looking a bit skinny around the hips."_

"_I sure as hell haven't heard you complaining."_

…

"_That was…fun."_

"_Fuck you."_

"_Okay."_

_A shriek and rumble of sheets._

…

"_That was __**not**__ a date."_

"_Right. Not at all…you looked nice though."_

_Groan._

"_Shut the hell up shortbus."_

…

"_You ever going to say anything?"_

_Pause._

"_Nah, keep going, your voice puts me to sleep."_

…

"_Somebody missed me."_

"_Bitch."_

…

"_I…felt it…you were gone for so long…"_

…

"_You couldn't have saved her. Nancy."_

"_Yes, I could have."_

…

"_So this was your real body huh? I approve."_

"_I had a feeling you would."_

…

"_Were you jealous?"_

"_What? No!"_

_A gleeful laugh._

"_Yeah, you totally were. It's cool, I think it's hot."_

…

"_You…saved me…stood in front of me…"_

"…_Yeah…"_

"_Thanks…"_

…

"_So much…so…"_

"_Yeah, I know. I get it."_

…

"_What'd you do to her?"_

"_Nothing. Didn't have to. She'd already both her ticket down under."_

…

"_The scars – "_

"_I know, they're – "_

"_Beautiful."_

_Pause._

"_I think they're beautiful."_

…

"_I can't stay."_

"_I know."_

"_I love you."_

"_I figured…me too, if it means anything."_

"_It means everything."_

"_Good…now fuck me."_

She ignores Sam's broken gaze as they peel out of the junkyard.

They have work to do.


	2. Season Four

**A/N: I wasn't planning a second chapter, really, I wasn't but then I got to thinking how it'd all work out when he came back from hell and Cas and all that stuff and before I knew it I was typing this up.**

**This is better than the first – and I hope you agree – or at least in my opinion it is and that's just 'cause Cas is here and I LOVED writing out the scenes with him and Ruby.**

**Basically every episode of season 4 is being changed so yeah, beware. Oh and it focuses more on Ruby than Dean so most of it will be following her around. OH, the big one, there are some Castiel/Ruby undertones throughout and that's just because they're a guilty pleasure of mine ^_^ So that means most of Dean & Cas' special bond will be transferred over to Ruby & Cas.**

**Again, all blame goes to iTunes (and Keane, Katy Perry and Snow Patrol).**

**Some lines stolen from a handful of episodes, in case you see any familiar dialogue.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing…if I did there would have been either a Destiel or Duby (is it Duby? I'm still not sure yet, I personally like Rean better but, whatever) canon storyline – maybe both – going on for the past handful of seasons. Maybe even a little love triangle…but I own nada so yeah -_-**

**xxxxxx**

The nightmares always end the same.

She's there, pinned to the wall alongside Sam as they watch **him** being ripped apart, bit by bit.

Lilith stands before them, laughing and watching as it all goes down.

She can feel the single, heart-broken sob escape her as she watches the light fade from his eyes, his eyes that are locked on hers.

Then it changes. The room shifts and she's back at the motel. _That_ motel; the one they'd spent their last night in. He's besides her, stroking her hair and pressing soft, sweet kisses into her temple.

It takes a moment for her to adjust to the change but it doesn't take long for her heart rate to go down and for her to start clutching him tightly to her, desperate to keep him for as long as she can.

Then the conversation starts.

"I can't stay." He murmurs and she does **not** feel her heart ache at the sound of his confession.

"I know." Her voice cracks just like always.

"I love you." He adds, almost as an after thought but not quite.

"I figured…me too, if it means anything." She has to bite down on her lower lip to keep from sobbing. (She can't change the script either way; she knows how it'll end).

"It means everything." He replies and she smiles hollowly at the roughness in his voice. (His voice only got like that when he was trying to hold down the tears).

Before she can recite her next line though the feeling of his arms fade and she finds herself alone, rumpled sheets wrapped around her body.

What happens next always seems like it's in slow motion, as if trying to get the most reaction out of her.

All the air fades from the room but before she can even start to freak out screams start to cloud her mind and the heat hits her. She can taste the despair in the air, can hear the petrified screams of those that have long forgotten what it means to even feel (they scream more for something to do than anything else she'd learned a long while ago), can feel the heat licking and burning her skin off.

Hell.

If she wasn't aware that she was in fact dreaming, she might have started to panic. (But she does panic anyways; she already knows why she's there).

When she turns to her left (it's always the left side, is someone trying to tell her something?) she freezes at the scene before her.

(_No, no…oh God Dean don't, please. You can't give in, you can't forget…_)

He can't hear her of course because the next thing he does is pick up the scalpel and start to carve. The woman before him screams and pleads but her eyes are on him only. He…he's enjoying it…he's liking it…

…and that's when she wakes up. She's gasping and crying and pleading out into the unresponsive air before her. She's barely aware of where she is, all she knows is that she can still see his smile…can still see him making that first cut and _enjoying_ it.

She leans over the side of the bed and throws up.

xxxxxx

(Sam comes into the motel room two hours later and if she even thought there was a chance he'd answer she'd ask where he'd went.

But he won't. So she doesn't.

All he does is take in her appearance and nod once. He won't question the nightmares – like she doesn't his – and he won't try to comfort her – she won't accept it.

"Bobby called." Is all Sam says. "Got a hunt for us in Minnesota. Wanna head out?"

All she can offer is a shake of her head, needing a few hours to be able to numb herself up again.

By that time the next day she'll be glad she'd shaken her head.)

xxxxxx

There is only one thought going through his mind as he finally reaches the surface and takes in that first gasp of air.

_Sam. Sam. Sammy…Sam and…and…Ruby. Sammy and Ruby. Sam and Ruby…Sammy, Ruby…_

The thought repeats itself over and over as he falls down to the ground, taking in as many breaths as he can and brushing off as much dirt as he can with trembling hands. (He vaguely recalls an instant where he hadn't been able to breathe and she'd done it for him…where is she now?)

When he finally gains the strength to stand and take in the scene before him (miles and miles of fallen, broken trees surround him), all he can say is, in a broken, weak voice: "Who the hell – "

xxxxxx

It happens while she's on a food run and comes back to the motel room to see the door wide open and catches a glance at Bobby's back.

(Relief shoots through her at the thought of a middle person around to help her; she can't watch Sam 24/7 and there are times when he's gone for hours on end and she's left freaking and hyperventilating).

"Bobby hey, I thought we were supposed to – "

She freezes.

The diner bag falls to the ground with a thud one moment and the next moment her knife's free and she's lunging for the…the…the **impostor** wearing her dead lover's skin. (She'd told Sammy they should have burned him; he would have wanted it. That'd only resulted in a fistfight that she ended up winning – of course – and half of Bobby's living room destroyed. But he'd gotten his way in the end. As always).

Before she can even get close enough to strike, Bobby's arms are locked around hers, keeping her close.

"Let go of me! He's not real!" she shrieks and later, when she's looking back on that day she'll wonder why exactly she hadn't fought against Bobby's hold.

(She'd known it was him. Of course she had, she just hadn't wanted to believe it. Believing only got you your heart ripped out and dragged in holy water before being shoved back into your chest).

Sam's in front of her next, hands held before him and eyes shining with so much happiness and hope that she almost wants to cry. The impostor is getting Sammy's hopes up and that is **not** okay; she doesn't have it in herself to try and heal him again.

(No, she can't do it again; dragging him back to the motel room from bars and women's grubby hands and keeping him clean and awake and hunting and away from certain demons because she knows what their plan is, she knows what they'll do to him if her back's turned and she'll be damned if she lets him get corrupted and addicted).

"Ruby it's okay. It's him. It's really him. Trust me, okay?" Sam pleads and the desperation in his voice is the only thing that keeps her from lunging once more once Bobby's released her.

She makes her way over cautiously, eyeing him up and down slowly. "Tell me something only D-Dean would know."

"Come on Rub – "

Sam's protest is cut short when the impostor speaks.

"Caroline."

She feels the air leave her lungs and has to clutch a hand to her chest to make sure it's still rising and falling like it's supposed to be. She can feel Sam and Bobby's confusion and that's okay because she understands and _he_ understands and that's all she needs.

"It's me Caroline. I'm back."

(She vaguely recalls an instant when he'd tried calling her Caroline and she'd felt warmth shot through her; after, she'd only allowed him to call her that when they were alone and even then it was pretty rare. "Names hold power." Was all she'd told him).

He's smiling an easy, open grin at her but she can see that she isn't the only one reeling with confusion.

She isn't sure what he's expecting of her because she isn't so sure either.

It's been months (139 days) with just her looking after Sam and trying to stay above water and having nightmares about him forgetting and giving in and now he's back and she doesn't know what to feel and if she doesn't stop and sit soon she's going to pass out…

She pushes past Sam and Bobby before either can stop her and runs out as fast as she can.

(Bet you didn't expect that one coming, did you Dean?)

xxxxxx

Sam finds her sitting in the Impala hyperventilating. If it'd been anyone else she would have kicked their asses but all she can do is lean closer to Sam when he pulls her into his arms.

xxxxxx

When she hands the keys over to him and their fingertips brush she swears she feels something inside of her _awaken_.

xxxxxx

(And so it begins.)

xxxxxx

She's decided she likes the psychic.

Pamela or whatever.

Pamela doesn't look at her like she's scum and actually hugs her when she enters the house.

To say she's surprised is an understatement, then the woman has to go lean in and whisper: "Don't worry sweetheart, he's all yours." while making eyes at Sam.

Yeah, if she can do good by Sam? Definitely one of her new favorite people.

xxxxxx

(Okay, now instead of grateful she's pissed.

Burning Pamela's eyes out? Not cool _Castiel_).

xxxxxx

She knows what him and Bobby are doing so she distracts Sam while they make plans. She knows this is something he needs and she's already so used to keeping an eye on Sam she might as well keep doing it.

xxxxxx

(Angels, huh, apparently trench coat wearing humorless angels…bet you didn't expect that one either).

xxxxxx

(Sam makes sure everyone else is doing something before he sneaks out. Can't have _big sis_ following him around.

When he gets to the abandoned parking lot and Kristy's there all he can feel is excitement start to course through him.

All she gets out is a "Hey Babe" before he's pressing his lips against hers and taking out the knife from his back pocket).

xxxxxx

(Come on Sammy, can't find any human friends to play with?).

xxxxxx

He finds her by **that** house.

"Why'd you lie to Sam?" she asks first, glaring up at the faded stars. (She remembers a time she'd been able to stare up at them and feel wonder course through her system but now…since May…everything has blurred away into nothing…everything except Sam).

"What about?"

(His voice is harder, rougher…Hell will do that to you).

"Remembering. I know you do. I've been."

He doesn't offer a response.

"Did you find him? Castiel or whatever?" She asks instead of waiting for an answer. (She asks so he can't; she's not really sure she's ready to answer any of his questions).

"Um yeah. Apparently yours truly got dragged out…by an Angel of the Lord."

She doesn't try and hold in the bitter laugh. "Well where the hell was it four months ago?" Once again, she doesn't bother to wait for his response and instead just turns around to face him. She presses her lips together at the sight of him alive and healthy (and…broken…Hell had broken him…

…she can see it in his eyes, in the way he holds himself. He really does remember and it's going to kill him).

She makes her way over and ignores the way he flinches once she's within touching distance. She reaches into her shirt and pulls out the amulet that'd been keeping her warm the past (139) nights. She takes it off and passes it over slowly, hoping to put off the upcoming spark. (She fails).

"Here, this belongs to you."

She turns and starts to leaves before he can say anything but stops a few feet away when he speaks.

"Ruby…us…"

"Things have changed Dean."

Silence.

"I need some time."

She makes sure she's gone before he can think up a retort.

xxxxxx

(He does **not** feel his chest tighten as he watches her walk away.

He doesn't).

xxxxxx

If he's surprised that she's still hanging around he doesn't say.

(He will admit surprise though when Sam forgets his damn pie but manages to bring back an entire bag of fries).

When the witnesses attack and she has Sam's back flawlessly is when he starts to realize.

Someone had to take care of Sammy while he was gone and apparently that'd been her.

…well doesn't he feel like crap.

xxxxxx

("I_ don't believe in the devil."_

She's the first he tells about the seals and Lucifer. She doesn't say anything, simply reaches over, grabs hold of his hand and gives him a tired smirk).

xxxxxx

She's there when he returns from the past and attacks him with a soft punch and a huge hug that they'll both be denying later. When she pulls away it's to see a man in a trench coat not four feet away and she knows right away who it is.

Castiel.

She steps backs and pulls her lips into a thin line as the angel's eyes fall on her and don't leave. She meets its gaze and gets what he'd meant about how unnerving it was.

"Angel."

"Demon."

She smirks lightly and nods, understanding. (_You stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours_).

She's thinking she might actually be able to tolerate it before it opens its mouth and all but threatens Sam.

She swirls around to see said little brother's bed empty and swears under her breath.

xxxxxx

When they find Sam exorcising demons with his mind and hanging out with a brunette demon they storm in, demanding to know what the hell's going on. But then she recognizes said demon (and of course it's her, of fricking course) and all but spits out her name.

"Kristy."

The brunette smirks widely and shrugs, "Did you miss me Rubes?"

She would have slammed her knife into **it** if Sam hadn't snatched it away and allowed **it** to escape.

"Sam what the hell?" He demands, yanking the knife back and sneering at the spot where the brunette had stood.

"You don't understand, she's like Ruby, she's been helping me." Sam pleads desperately (so desperate, so desperate to keep something all for himself).

"Oh heck no. That black eyed skank is just that, a black eyed skank. I would _never_ ask you to do what she's doing."

He watches on helplessly. (Looks like you're no longer needed).

"Ruby it's not like that. It's not – "

"Okay then, tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you're not drinking her blood."

He feels all his breath escape him and has to lean on the wall behind him in order to keep from falling.

Sam doesn't answer.

xxxxxx

(Whatcha gonna do now Sammy?)

xxxxxx

(She failed…she…Sammy's drinking blood and how could she not have noticed? How could she not have known?)

xxxxxx

While her boys are off hunting a Rugaru – the only reason she isn't there is because it's with another hunter and while her and Sam had met up with a few over the last few months (139 days) it doesn't mean she was anymore comfortable than they were – she makes her way back to Bobby's.

"It's Sam." Are the first words out of her mouth when the door opens, revealing the tired hunter.

Bobby sighs once and opens the door wider. "I figured. Come on in."

She spends the entire afternoon pouring over books with Bobby and when the clock hits 5 a.m. and they still have nothing all she can do is scowl down at the books and sigh into her hands.

xxxxxx

(Oktoberfest…only you Dean).

xxxxxx

If she's jealous of that blonde waitress or bartender or whatever the hell, she doesn't say.

But she makes sure she doesn't leave him alone with her for more than a few minutes on end.

xxxxxx

She doesn't find it funny. She doesn't.

But since she's stuck on babysitter duty while Sam and Bobby go kill the ghost she's allowed one laugh…or three.

It stops being funny when she catches him clutching the bible to his chest and doesn't know what to do.

It isn't funny when the police officer's (or sheriff, she's too busy too remember) body lies on the floor and she's leaning over him trying to calm and reassure him that Lilith's not there and that he's okay.

xxxxxx

Afterwards, when he's calm and back to sarcastic and stoic, she goes up to him and smirks tightly.

The awkwardness of the past few weeks fades away when blue meets hazel.

"Didn't know you could scream that loud."

"Shut it woman." He snaps back but it's with a matching smirk.

(Good, this, this dance she could do. She'd never even forgotten the steps).

xxxxxx

She hates angels, it's official.

Okay, maybe not Castiel because he's pretty decent when he's not staring at her (as if trying to read her soul which is pretty funny because _hello_, not much left of her human soul to look at).

But the other one, the bald one with the sneers that makes her wonder if angels really can't feel emotion because she can feel the disgust and hatred for her radiating off of him all the way from the doorway. That one she hates.

xxxxxx

(Okay she's a demon and even she knows wiping out a whole town is a big no-no.)

xxxxxx

When it's all over and Castiel finishes talking with him is when she walks over. She sits down besides him on the bench and gazes out into the open area, fighting off the warmth.

"Sam – "

"I know…I could feel it…it was **not** a good feeling."

Silence.

"This Kristy chick is she…?"

"Yeah, not one of the good ones, trust me."

They both smile bitterly at that, remembering a time when he would have scoffed at that comment.

When she gets up to leave he grabs hold of her hand and she has to bit down to urge to moan. (Warm, so warm…just like she remembered).

"Ruby I…I still…" He stops, as if unsure she'll want to hear the rest. She doesn't.

"I know."

He nods once. "That's enough for me."

_Liar. It's not enough for me so there's no way in hell that's enough for you._

She doesn't look back as she walks away.

xxxxxx

(When the night hits and the whimpers begin she slips into his bed and wraps her arms tight around him. While she knows it's not enough to chase the memories away she knows it helps to have something tying you down to the real world).

xxxxxx

She leaves the note addressed to Sam and by the time they find it she's four states over and almost at Bobby's house.

When she gets there they spend the rest of their time looking up _Kristy's_ human name because after all, names have power.

xxxxxx

He suddenly wishes she was around when he comes face to face with a giant bipolar teddy bear and he has no one to joke about it with.

xxxxxx

The next time she sees Castiel it's on her way back to him and Sam and she's spending the night at a random motel named after some dead person.

She's about to pull off her shirt when she hears the faint sound of wings fluttering in the air. She pulls the shirt back down and curses; five feet away stands Castiel, gazing at her wordlessly.

"What the hell man?" She exclaims, wrapping her arms tightly around herself. Although she doesn't mind him she sure as hell doesn't trust him while she's alone with no one around who cares enough if they hear her scream.

(Demon. Angel. You do the math).

When a few moments pass by and he (when did she start thinking of him as a person?) still hasn't said anything she takes a few steps forward. "Is everything…okay?" she asks awkwardly.

This catches his attention and when his eyes meet hers they're so blue and childlike she feels her chest tighten.

(_A warrior…he sure doesn't feel it_).

"You are…not like other demons. Your presence is…cleaner, more humane in a sense. Yet I still don't understand your intentions."

She smiles lightly at this. "I don't understand yours either."

The look he gives her at that screams _I'm the angel here, my intentions aren't the ones that need to be looked at_ and she has to hold down the laugh threatening to escape.

If any other angel had asked about her intentions she might have said something crude or dismissive but there's something about this one…while she doesn't trust him with her life she'd trust him with theirs. She can tell he's going to be important.

So she makes a decision.

"You can read minds right?" she asks and as she does she reaches slowly for his hand. His gaze follows her hands and she's surprised when he allows her to touch him.

She holds his cool (cool, not warm but not corpse cold…cool, it's been a while since she's felt hands like these) hand in hers and presses it to her temple slowly, cautiously. "Read mine."

Castiel's gaze intensifies at this but he doesn't pull away. She's about to complain that he's not doing anything when the memories begin to rush forward.

(Heat…laughter…warmth…human…family…little David…

…little David, have to protect him from the plague have to keep him safe so she sells her soul to an unknown force who promises him immunity that she'll never live to see because while she was busy taking care of him her body was busy being infected…

…burning…pain…cruel laughter and taunts…

…David…remember him he'll keep your humanity but after a while the centuries pass and the faces blur and all she has left as she gives in and picks up the scalpel is the warm love she'd once felt as a human for a brother she'll never get to see hit 20…

…open gate…have to make it out…have heard the demons whispering _Winchester_…have to help…can't let her humanity go to waste…her body…she needs her body…can't possess…can't…

…she finds a witch who'll recreate it for a Grimoire that's been lost for decades and while she knows it's wrong she does it because a deal's a deal – it doesn't stop her from stealing the blessed knife she noticed lying around as if it were nothing because she'll put it to good use – and it feels so good to be back in her own skin and wow hygiene's improved and so much has changed and she has to get ready to help the Winchesters win this war because from what she knows they're going at this blind and she can't have them being clueless…

…Sam…Sammy…she likes the name, it's a good strong and steady name and just from those few meetings she can tell she's going to like him he's reluctant but she'll show him that she **can** be good and that she's **not **like other demons…

…Dean…yeah, he's gone to be a problem because not only is he bigoted he's also about to leave Sam to fight this war on his own and she can't help but resent that…he jokes and sneers but she can see through it all because she knows what the fear's like and she sees so much of herself in him that it hurts so she ignores the sneers and racist – yes racist – comments thrown her way and helps because she believes they can save them all…

…and then **it** happens…it started as a fight, nothing more but then his hands are all over her – warm, so warm, she hasn't felt this much warmth in so long – and his lips are intoxicating and so is his scent so she keeps coming back for more and it's just fun and sex but then conversation starts and she learns things she actually bothers to remember and she starts to like having him around and then she starts to open up and starts to feel things she knows she shouldn't because he's hell bound but he draws her in and she can't fight it anymore…

…the feeling grows and the love sets in and he holds her at night after the sex has gotten softer and sweeter and she can feel the despair in it all because he's savoring it because he won't be there in just a number of months and now she's used to Bobby and he's actually pretty cool and that's not okay because she wasn't supposed to become engrained in their lives like this and she wasn't supposed to fall in love and care about Sammy and enjoy Bobby's company and even the Harvelles are okay because they didn't discriminate after it was all explained and Ellen reminds her so much of her mother and she's starting to feel like she's found a home…

…it doesn't last…he dies and gets his soul dragged down under and she's left to deal with the aftermath…Sam's stoic and hard and mopes and Ellen's tearing and wavering and Bobby's drinking and Jo won't stop remembering and it all hurts and she can't sleep at night without his amulet wrapped around her neck and pressed into her skin and even then she finds she can't breathe all too well because he's gone and not coming back and that always brings forth tears…

…but Sam needs her…Sammy…have to take care of each other…she hauls him to his feet and whips him into shape because he's been given a second chance and he has no right to throw that away so they pack up, wave bye to Bobby and head out to do their job and she can feel Sammy slipping from her grasps and she tightens her hold because she can't let him give into the darkness…no, Sam has to fight it and stay pure and clean and then he's gone for hours and the happy times are less and less and they joke less and she feels herself start to crumble and the nightmares come and she finds she can't breathe most of the time and all the progress she's made goes to waste…

…but now he's back…he's back and alive and whole and she can't handle this…she can't breathe with him in the room despite months – 139 days – of not being able to breathe _without_ him…angels, hah, of course now they show up and they need their help and the blue eyed one seems okay but she still has to be careful because it's him and Sam…Sammy…demon blood…why? _Why_? **Why**? She doesn't understand because she tried so hard to keep him pure and clean and it all went to waste and now he's addicted and she can't do anything but try and keep him away from that toxic bitch of a demon and it's not enough because even though the smiles are back and his eyes are lighter he's still pulling away and she can't deal with that not with still trying to sort her feelings for _him_ and she knows she loves him and wants him but so much…so much time…too much time and she remembers when the problem used to be not enough time and she has to work it all out and how can she be sure he'll stay this time and not leave her again and those thoughts just bring forth breathing problems and **damn it** she's Ruby – not Caroline, not anymore – and she's stronger than this and she needs to decide now because she can't be acting like a mopey teenage girl because he deserves better and she deserves better and this is getting ridiculous and oh god there goes all the air in her lungs and the pain's back and the memory of those 139 days returns and…)

She falls to the ground, gasping for air when it's over. She wipes away the stray tears with shaking hands, pushes back the memories and looks up to see Castiel gazing down at her sadly before he's crouching down before her.

His expression is hard but she can see the compassion in his eyes and that's enough for her.

"I see."

She gives him a watery smile. "You'll protect them, right? Against the demons…against that Uriel guy because I sure as hell don't trust him."

Castiel gives no answer – she hadn't been expecting one – and frowns. "You confuse me still. Demons aren't supposed to care like you do."

"Neither are angels." She retorts with a tight smirk. She picks herself up of the ground and when she looks down to ask him if he can zap her back to the boys, he's gone.

(_Rude much_?)

xxxxxx

It hits him just how much things have changed when he walks into the bar and catches her and Sam laughing it up and playing pool together.

They both look so happy and carefree and…

…it was **her** and Sam against the world for four months. They hunted together, they spent short nights in crappy motel rooms, they watched out for each other and keep the other sane.

He's suddenly not so thirsty.

He turns to leave but stops when he catches sight of her scowl and Sam making his way over to _Kristy_. He follows after her and scowls along with her when they make it to Sam's side.

"You got a lot of nerve showing up here." He spits out.

_Kristy_ ignores him and focuses her attention on Sam. "Look, I've been hearing some whispers and there's this – "

"Like we can trust any of the crap that comes out of your mouth." She snarls and it's then that _Kristy_ looks over at them.

"Like you've got any right to act all high and mighty. If you weren't so busy hanging around angels and pining for shorty – _"You're shorter than me!"_ – over here you might have heard what I'm about to tell you."

She gives no response but he sees her clench her hands into fists and steps in front of her ever so slightly.

_Kristy_ turns her attention back to Sam. "There's a girl named Anna Milton who escaped from some psych ward and the demons are looking for her so I suggest you find her first. And they want her alive so yeah, I'd get there fast if I were you."

And then she's gone before either him or her can snap.

xxxxxx

So Alastair's the one who'd broken him…it all makes sense now.

xxxxxx

(The chick hears angels…huh, who knew?)

xxxxxx

Well, isn't this a nice surprise, the angels want the chick dead.

Wow, any progress Castiel has made with her, yeah, just got chucked right out the window.

xxxxxx

While she's happy to see Pamela she should have known something like this would happen…

…of course the chick's an angel.

xxxxxx

Okay, mentioning sex to her ex…whatever he'd been is not the way to stay on her good side. If she wasn't sure of his feelings towards her she might be worried…she isn't worried…not one bit.

xxxxxx

(While she wants to gut _Kristy_ for planting the idea in Sam's mind, the plan does seem safe enough…well except for her giving herself over to Alastair that is).

xxxxxx

Once it's all over and the chick's gone and Alastair's been sent away and she's on the ground, bleeding and sore and still reeling from the familiar torture, Castiel meets her gaze and she can't help but hold it.

She can see what he won't say. She knows he's starting to care for them and she knows it's confusing. (She remembers what _that's_ like).

She nods once and when the angel returns it before he leaves, she can't help but smile.

xxxxxx

It happens while she's sitting on the hood of the Impala passing Sammy a beer.

"Who'd you know him? Alastair?" Sam asks and she can see it catches him off guard.

He pauses and when she's about to tell Sammy to shut it, he starts to talk.

"It wasn't, it wasn't four months. Up here yeah but down there…"

"Forty years." She finishes when he can't.

Sam's expression turns horrified and for a moment she feels satisfied, wants to say _see, do you see all that he did for you and you're throwing it away with that stupid slut. S_he doesn't.

He nods and continues: "Yeah. Forty years…" he pauses again and takes a long sip from his bottle. "They, uh…they sliced and carved and tore at me in ways you…until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly…I would be whole again…like magic…just so they could start in all over."

She bits down on her lips to keep in the gasps of pain.

"And Alastair…at the end of every day…every one…he would come over. And he would make me an offer."

_Oh God…Dean please, tell me no, tell me my dreams weren't true…_

"To take me off the rack…if I put the souls on…if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't. And I got off the rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The – the things I did to them…"

Sammy has no words of comfort and she doesn't try to think of any; she knows they mean nothing.

"Dean, look you – "

He shakes his head, ignoring the words. And then he speaks the words that'll be haunting her dreams for the next few nights: "How I feel…this…inside me…I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."

She doesn't bother to wipe away the tears that have fallen.

xxxxxx

She takes off after he's calmed down and the nightmare looked like it'd gone away.

When she makes it to Bobby's house and the old man answers the door with an open smile she knows they won't have much work to do.

xxxxxx

When he admits to Sam how much he'd enjoyed it, how much he'd _loved_ it, he feels the ache for her grow and wishes she'd return and say she chooses them.

xxxxxx

Castiel's in her room when she heads upstairs for a nap and she can't say she's surprised to find him there.

"What are you doing here?" she asks and remembers that she forgot to ask that chick what sigils she'd used to send the angels away.

"I am unsure. I feel the need to explain myself…"

"I'm a demon. You don't have to explain anything to me."

Pause.

"Yes well, it is either to you or Dean and I'm not – "

"In the mood to deal with his attitude, yeah I get that."

Silence.

"Look, it's okay or whatever. You're an angel; you do what you have to do. No need to justify yourself."

More silence.

"Come on, don't tell me you're feeling guilty?" she jokes but when she catches sight of his uneasy gaze the smiles drops from her face.

"You're not…are you? Because…I'm not exactly sure that's acceptable angel behavior."

No response.

"Look, I'm…it's okay, we understood. You don't have to say anything. It's okay."

His eyes, sad and she's not exactly sure that's a good thing, meet hers once more before he's nodding and disappearing.

xxxxxx

(Sam would have given in right then and there to Kristy if it hadn't been for the thought of his siblings – yes he's thinking of her as a sister now – being disappointed…that and the reminder that he has to get back to his brother with the information he'd found before he gets himself in more trouble with the magicians).

xxxxxx

(Sam finds himself giving in anyways because he _doesn't_ want to be doing this when he's sixty and too tired to care anymore. But also because he sees the way his siblings look at each other and knows if they continue to hunt they'll never be together.

He owes them this).

xxxxxx

She pops back up once her and Bobby have a name and location: Silviya Genov. Bulgaria.

She's happy and grinning and doesn't even bother to insult the gym shorts and headband he's wearing.

But then the ghost attacks Sammy and it's back to business.

xxxxxx

She makes her choice when the Siren sets it sights on him and turns him against her.

She's lying on the floor, struggling and fighting and gasping for air as he chokes her.

Sammy's off somewhere with that cute doctor and all she can see is his cruel smile and she's starting to see dark spots in her vision…but then Bobby's there and he's saving the day and she can breathe again and it feels _great_.

xxxxxx

Later that night when Sam's off getting food (that better be all he's doing) and they're left alone she approaches him.

"Dea – "

"Don't. Just don't."

She ignores the guilty plead and takes his hands in hers and that's all it takes for him to lift his gaze to hers. His eyes fall down to her neck and the already fading bruises but before he can pull away she's leaning in and kissing him hard and deeply and pouring everything she can manage into it.

xxxxxx

That first night it's fast and hard and bitter and she relishes in the feelings shooting through her and all the aches he's soothing. He holds her afterwards and just as she's about to fall asleep he starts to pepper kisses everywhere and then it's soft and slow and so blissful that she can't remember how she lasted all those months (139 days) without his touch.

xxxxxx

(Sam finds them curled around each other under the covers of one of the beds and has to bite the inside of his cheeks to keep from grinning.

It's about damn time).

xxxxxx

(Reapers, oh fun).

xxxxxx

One second.

Just one; that's how long her gaze is away from Pamela while she's busy defending the boys' bodies as they're off playing Haley Joel and then she hears the gasp of pain and knows something's wrong. She stabs the demon before her distractedly (making sure to twist the knife in) kicks away his body and turns around to see the psychic doubled over on the floor gasping in pain.

Before she can attack the demon standing over her friend, one of the bed's moving and Sam's racing forward and raising his hand and…and…damn it, she should have known he wouldn't listen.

xxxxxx

When the Reapers are back and Pamela's wound opens she feels a bit of her small remaining humanity die off. (_Is this how the boys feel all the time? So much death…so much…how do they do it?)_

She's already having trouble breathing because she's watching Pamela die right before her very eyes and can't do a thing but she feels her heart all but cave in when she hears the whispers spoken into Sam's ears.

"I know what you did to that demon, Sam. I can feel, what's inside of you. If you think you have good intentions, think again."

xxxxxx

"_I'm tired of burying friends, Sam._"

She feels the air leave her lungs (that's been happening a lot lately) at those words and at Sam's dismissive _"Well get angry"._

_(I'm getting tired too boys)._

xxxxxx

While a part of her is happy to see Castiel another part is cringing inside. Watching the bald one boss him around, dismiss him, yeah, not fun, not when he's starting to grow on her…

(_…torture…God, what kind of freaking angels are these?_)

She's about to protest and start to throw out lazy threats but she's getting the feeling Castiel's no longer in charge. Before she can even open her lips though the angels are gone and so is her boyfriend.

xxxxxx

(No, no, not this…they can't ask him to do this because if he goes in there he's not sure what'll come out and he needs to try and be whole for her now because she's wrapped in his arms at night now and he's allowed to hold her hand when they're not snipping at each other and she feels so warm pressed against his body and he can**not** fall of the wagon…no…he won't do it…he won't…

…he feels a part of his remaining sanity flee the moment his fingertips brush over that scalpel).

xxxxxx

She ignores his demands to call _Kristy_, snapping she can do the locator spell perfectly fine on her own.

But then she catches the look in his eyes and starts to wonder if his brother's the real reason he wants to see _Kristy_.

xxxxxx

On the way to rescuing his idiotic brother Sam opens up and confesses how he'd met Kristy.

Apparently it was during one of the times he'd snuck away to get drunk and she'd saved him from a bunch of demons and respected his space and made him feel safe and wanted and she helped him understand the darkness inside of him and how to control it and…and…

…as she hears this all, the only thought that comes to mind is _when did I stop making you feel safe?_.

xxxxxx

(He ignores Alastair's taunts about his dad and her and Sam's new habits…words, just words…

…he continues to choke and carve and starts to feel that familiar glee appear and has to shove it back down even though it helps…

…but then Alastair start talking again and what he hears breaks him.

"And it is written, that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in Hell. As he breaks, so shall it break.")

xxxxxx

When they get there the first thing she does is rush to his side and all else fades (even Sam murdering Alastair. Yes, murdering because there are no other words for what he's doing) as she cradles his broken, bloody face in her hands.

She meets Castiel's eyes and can't find it in herself to keep the accusation out of them.

xxxxxx

(She's quiet as Sam makes the demands from the angel.

She can't think of anything to say but then Sam's storming off and his gaze falls on her and she feels the words come forth.

"You told me you would protect him. You let me think he was safe with you." She spits out, arms crossed tightly around her chest in an act of preserving warmth.

Castiel gives no reply, just stands there all quiet and childlike and damn it she can't stay mad when he's like that. All she can feel is sadness for her boyfriend and for the angel before her because she knows things will only keep going down hill from there and she knows he's confused and trying to figure it all out.

"I am…sorry."

She smiles bitterly. "You don't know the feeling.")

xxxxxx

(After Uriel's dead and Anna's gone is when it hits Castiel…

…he will fall. If he keeps questioning and befriending Ruby and feeling compassion towards the Winchesters he will fall and then he will be the one being hunted down and with no one to turn to…

…he's decided he doesn't like doubt. Not one bit).

xxxxxx

Her body slides down the cold ground and her hands fall over her lips as she hears Castiel's confession.

She tries to hide her tremors but they just keep coming and she knows they probably know she listening in but she can't seem to care because…because it's her fault…she should have found a way to break his deal and keep him alive and away from Hell…she failed and he got dragged away and broke and cut someone open and opened the seal and _liked it_.

xxxxxx

(She sleeps in the hospital bed with him, wrapping her arms around him tightly as she replays the overheard conversation over and over in her mind.

But all that does is make her angry and tighten the already too tight hold she has on his waist).

xxxxxx

She's at Bobby's, web surfing, when the news gets to her and she finds out about the angels latest trick. Apparently a douchebag named Zachariah sent them to an alternate universe and messed up their memories and all that jazz and while that's all tragic and pissy she can only think of one thing to ask:

"Was I there?"

He groans into the phone and she can just see him rolling his eyes up to the Heavens.

"What? I wanna know? Or were you married to some rich slut? If you were I'm gonna kick your ass."

He hangs up before she can continue.

xxxxxx

Okay, this is totally funny and nothing can convince her otherwise.

A book series based on their lives? Yeah, this one definitely takes the gold in all the shitty shit that's happened in the past two years.

Of course the boys don't see it like that and she gets dragged around to try and find the author and it's getting tedious and she did **not** need to see that publisher's ass! They owe her a whole bag of fries once this is all over.

xxxxxx

Great, according to the boys the dude's a drunk…and wears stupid bathrobes.

As she reads over the manuscript though she can't help but feel more laughter escape her at the thought of someone actually finding their shitty ass lives entertaining. _What is wrong with these people?_

xxxxxx

Pink-flower band aids…oh God their lives could be a bad nickelodeon soap opera.

xxxxxx

Okay, seeing him get hit by a car…not nearly as funny as reading about it.

xxxxxx

(Winchester Gospels…okay, things just got weirder).

xxxxxx

She stands to the side as she watches him try and wear down Castiel, or Cas, or whatever he's calling him. (She thinks she'll stick to Castiel because Cas is a nickname and implies ownership and Castiel is not hers. He _isn't_).

She can hear the desperation in his voice and the determination in the angel's. So she steps into the angel's viewpoint behind her boyfriend and pleads with her eyes. She's not sure what results she'll get but she sure as heck hadn't expected it to work.

xxxxxx

No way. There is no way in hell the boys have a brother that she didn't know about. That's impossible, she did her research and – okay, she takes it back, Adam **definitely** has the Winchester genes…

xxxxxx

(Okay, flirting with his girlfriend?Not the best way to stay on his good side; not on that day, not when he's feeling very trigger-happy).

xxxxxx

She stays out of the way as her boys argue about what to do and instead focuses her attentions on Adam. While he's taking the whole hunter thing extremely well he also looks nervous, jittery. Well, that's what finding your long lost brothers will do to you.

xxxxxx

(_Jittery my ass! The cute ones are always Ghouls…_).

xxxxxx

She keeps him company out by the Impala when he can't fall asleep that night. She leans against the car and listens as he recites all new stories about his father she hadn't heard before.

When the clock hits 3 a.m. they're still awake and talking.

xxxxxx

Castiel appears while she's dreaming about David.

It's not much of a dream granted (the people and things surrounding them are hazy and hard to see).

But she can hear laughter, pure childish laughter and she can feel the warm sun on her skin and she can taste the crisp air.

It all blacks out when Castiel appears at her side.

"Isn't this an invasion of privacy of whatever?" She asks quietly. He doesn't answer, simply hands her a piece of paper and before she knows it she's gasping and laying awake in a partially empty room.

xxxxxx

"Did he, oh I don't know, say anything?" He demands as they walk through the dark warehouse.

She frowns at the wreckage they pass and the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach grows.

"Nope." She replies simply and smirks when she notices the look on his face. "Seriously, are you pouting because your angel didn't go to you for help?"

No response.

"No worries sweetie, demon remember. Not much love going on between us."

It's then they find the body and she feels unnecessary relief fill her which is stupid because he's an angel and she's not supposed to care and –

Jimmy…well isn't this a nice turn of events.

xxxxxx

When they get back to the motel Sam's there and she has to bite down on her lips to keep from snapping at him. (_Patience, Bobby's working on locating the bones and then that bitch will be gone_).

xxxxxx

(A coke, yeah Sam, keep telling yourself that's what you're drinking).

xxxxxx

Great, that chick's back…just what she needs.

xxxxxx

(Sam slams the phone down with trembling hands, taking in deep gulps of breath…

…more, he needs more and he needs it **now**…he can feel the blood pumping through his sister's veins and that _terrifies _him).

xxxxxx

She tries to ignore the way Jimmy interacts with his wife as he says goodbye; all it does is remind her that she'll never be able to have that…

…hunting will be all she and him ever know and that's a fact.

xxxxxx

(_Come on Castiel where are you? We need you, please!_)

xxxxxx

She's the one to run after Castiel when he tries to leave. But as her fingertips touch his trench coat he flinches back and looks at her with what can only be described as cold fascination.

"I learned my lesson while I was away, demon – _she does__** not**__ flinch back at that_ – I serve Heaven. Not the Winchesters, not humanity and I most certainly don't serve you."

xxxxxx

She tightens her arms around herself as she watches Bobby lock the door behind Sammy.

_It's for his best, it's for his best…_

xxxxxx

She's upstairs hiding out in her room when Bobby tells her.

"I found the bones."

She almost sobs in relief.

_Finally._

xxxxxx

Seals…all of them breaking fast and it's all too much and they don't have the bones yet and they need to get rid of that demonic skank before Sam detoxes and Castiel's not on their side anymore and that hurts a whole lot more than it should…and she knows Bobby did **not** just suggest letting Sam go because so help her…

…okay, hyperventilation starting now.

xxxxxx

She watches from the window as he tries to talk Castiel into helping.

She knows the plan, she knows what needs to be done but having her boyfriend give himself over to angels and Sammy locked away and Bobby getting ready to take a plane all the way to Bulgaria for an eleven hour flight that has no certainty of helping…

…crap, there goes all the air in her lungs.

xxxxxx

(_Sam's missing._

_Great, just…ugh!_)

xxxxxx

(Sam pushes down the guilt because he knows he's doing the right thing and he knows this is what needs to be done).

xxxxxx

This is just what she needs…perfect…her boyfriend's been angel snatched Sam chosen _Kristy_ over them and Bobby's flight still hasn't landed.

Some times she seriously wonders whether or not it'd be easier to just off herself.

xxxxxx

(As he gazes over at Cas' guilty face he tries desperately to remember what she'd told him, that the angel is on their side and that he just needs a reminder as to why).

xxxxxx

(_"God has left the building"_…

…um, yeah, that doesn't comfort him in the least).

xxxxxx

(Castiel tries desperately to push down the familiar feeling of guilt that's starting to creep into him.

He's an angel, he can't have guilt. He cannot care…

…if that's true then why does he?)

xxxxxx

When Bobby finally answers her calls and tells her he's on his way to the cemetery she sighs in relief.

She grabs hold of the address to Chuck's house she'd been looking up in their stuff and races out of the house. She's got some shortbuses to save and if anyone can help, it's the all seeing prophet.

xxxxxx

(Well damn, maybe she was right after all…

…the happiness of having Cas on their side fades when he hears the news.

Lilith's the final seal.

Well, things just got very complicated).

xxxxxx

She reaches Chuck's house just as they do and the relief that floods through her at the sight of him alive is almost overwhelming.

But then the room starts to shake and the light's blinding and Castiel's telling them to go, that he'll fight them all off, with terrified eyes and she suddenly doesn't feel so safe anymore.

xxxxxx

The nightmare always ends the same. She's there with him racing to get to Sammy before he does something stupid and gets them all killed and – wait, not a dream this time.

_Oh hell no, that bitch did __**not**__ just slam the door in our faces!_

She ignores his petrified stare as she continues to pound and push against the door, shoving with as much demonic force as she can.

She can feel it, she can feel Lilith dying and she can feel the fear and despair start to set in.

_Sam please!_

But then the doors open and she sees _Kristy_ by Sam so she pulls her phone to her ear and snarls "Now".

Right before their eyes the hell bitch goes up in flames and dissolves in a matter of moments, leaving nothing behind but a small piece of ashes.

(Oh God the satisfaction that flows through her at that image is mildly disturbing).

Once the shock fades she races over to Sam, grasping his arms along with his brother to get him up.

"Sam, come on. Now, we gotta go _now_."

Sam's still shell-shocked, staring at where _Kristy_ used to be. "How…playing me…should have know…dead…what?"

"It was Bobby now come on Sammy!" He growls but she can see the floor shifting and the room's trembling and she knows it's too late.

He's here.


	3. Season Five

**A/N: Okay, how could I not make a third chapter?**

**You know the drill: basically every episode of season 5 is changed to suit this, well, I guess you can call it a verse and Ruby & Cas have what was supposed to be Dean & Cas' special connection because come on; Angel…Demon…how more wrong can it get?**

**I tried to spread it out more evenly between the characters in this chapter, but the main focus is still Ruby because I don't think she gets nearly enough love as she deserves.**

**While this follows season 5 canon wise for most of the chapter, the focus is on Dean and Ruby's relationship and them trying to work out their issues with all that's going on and all that he'd missed while he was down under.**

**Oh, while this is Duby (?) through and through, there are **_**major **_**hints here at Ruby & Castiel (Which I recently learned is apparently Rubiel…?)**

**ALL BLAME GOES TO iTUNES, OWL CITY, KATY PERRY, FERGIE, AND GLEE (PUCKLEBERRY & KLAINE FOREVER!)**

**Some lines stolen from a handful of episodes, in case you see any familiar dialogue.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned anything, would I be here? NO, I'd be on set, writing up a plotline for Ruby that included her being impersonated in season 4 and that being proven and her helping them with Cas and Dean starting to trust her and then they fall in love and Cas turns human and it's all good ^_^**

**xxxxxx**

So, this is how it ends?

Him, covering her from the blinding light and her gripping Sammy's hand tightly in hers as she feels the air shift and the heat fade away and the floor beneath her getting replaced by hard carpet and…wait…last time she'd checked, she'd been standing and clutching her brother's hand in hers.

Now she's seated across from her boys in an _airplane_ of all things and watching from windows as light envelops the area not far behind the plane and appears to be consumed whole.

She meets his eyes and all she can feel is the fear and despair growing as she realizes what'd just happened….

…they'd opened the final seal.

xxxxxx

There are no words spoken as they enter the stolen vehicle and drive off. Except the radio, which Sam shuts off when it's evidential no good news is coming, it's complete silence in the car.

She leans into the backseat timidly, afraid if she unclenched for even a moment something would happen.

She ignores the talk from the front, too tired to listen to Sam try and justify himself. Bobby had burned the bitch's bones and now _Kristy_ was gone forever and that's all she cares about…

…and whether or not Castiel made it out alive and it looks like her boyfriend agrees because they're making a left turn to Chuck's house.

xxxxxx

Okay, seeing Chuck smack Sam with a toilet plunger? Made her feel just a bit better.

Hearing Castiel's dead…(there goes her stomach).

She ignores his questions if she's okay (she looks a bit green) and ignores Sam's guilty gaze (pleading for her forgiveness). As she walks around the destroyed house though, seeing evidence of the angel's demise everywhere she turns, she can't find it in herself to ignore Chuck's loaded stare.

When she meets it, she gets what the author's trying to say: _It's okay. I understand what he was to you._

Funny, she doesn't.

When Zachariah shows his ugly-ass up and he banishes the angel away using one of the bloody sigils, she ignores the small dedication given out to Castiel because she agrees with Chuck, this _does _suck ass.

xxxxxx

(She stays quiet as him and Sam do their traditional avoid-it-'till-it-comes-out-to-bite-you-in-the-ass tactic and continues to munch absently on her fries. She's sure they've said her name more than once but all she can think of is how Chuck had commented on Sam's black eyes and how she isn't the least bit surprised).

xxxxxx

(When she closes her eyes to try and rest some, all she can see behind closed eyelids is Castiel being blown to bits and Sammy with black eyes murdering again and Bobby in Bulgaria getting attacked while trying to burn the bones and _him_ being taken over by the angels.

When she shoots up, gasping, hand pressed down firmly over her heart, she decides staying awake and alert is the best option).

xxxxxx

"_You're Sam Winchester, the sexy demon blood boy."_

_Glances at her with a crazed smile._

"_You're Ruby, the demon who remembers."_

_Look over at him with a frown._

"_And you're…not what I pictured."_

She ignores the creepy way that Becky girl is rubbing Sam's chest in exchange for keeping an eye on her boyfriend.

While she's sure they all look like shit – hello, the Michael sword has touched ground – she's almost surprised to notice the fact that his hands seem to be unconsciously twitching in the direction of his hand gun too often for her to be comfortable.

xxxxxx

She resists the urge to snap at Bobby. She's too tired to fight anymore of Sam's battles for him and a part of her can't even blame the older hunter.

She leaves the motel room a few minutes after Sam though, unable to stand the silence.

xxxxxx

(As Nick falls to his knees, sobbing and trembling, desperate to block out the phantom words, the only words that can escape his lips are a repeated "No").

xxxxxx

When she returns to the motel room an hour later with a tub of vanilla ice cream and some pie all she can feel is numbness invade her as she notices the mess and blood all over the floor.

xxxxxx

She finds Bobby easily enough and after a quick lie – she's his niece and the boys had to go get the rest of the family – she finds out that his injuries are too severe to tell at the moment and she should wait in the lobby because "you can never tell how these things will go".

She finds the boys not too long after that; him bleeding and choking on the floor, Sam with too many broken bones and no lungs and Zachariah smug and enjoying it all far too much.

Before she can even think of doing anything though she's on the floor, gasping for air and clutching at her sides as she feels herself being slowly expelled from her body.

But then she can vaguely hear fighting in the background and before she knows it Zachariah's gone and she can breathe again.

She doesn't bother trying to get up from the floor, just sits up and leans back onto her elbows, watching in disbelief as **Castiel** makes his way over.

"You three need to be more careful." The angel states simply and then he's placing his hands on her boys' ribs and then he's crouching down before her (déjà vu) and doing the same. She winces at the sharp pain that shoots through her but all her attention is on the angel before her.

"What the hell was that?"

"An Enochian sigil. It'll hide you from every angel in creation, including Lucifer."

She doesn't hear much after that, keeping her eyes trained on the blue-eyed man before her. Relief mixed with just the slightest bit of pain fills her as it hits her that he's alive and not blown to bits and on their side again.

When Castiel disappears and her boyfriend sends her a curious gaze all she does is shake her head and stand.

xxxxxx

All she can do is laugh (it's either that or start yelling) as she watches Bobby scare the doctor out of the room.

She ignores their talk (she's been doing that a lot lately) in favor of reading Bobby's charts and all she can think as she absently hears him state that they'll win is that they won't and there isn't a damn thing they can do about it.

xxxxxx

She sits in the Impala silently as she watches them talk. She's too tired to listen, to try to intervene.

She flinches as they both slam the doors on their way into their seats.

_I'm tired too Dean, I'm tired too._

xxxxxx

(As she lies in her bedroom an hour after the boys have gone to see Bobby at the hospital, she finds she can't get herself up off the bed. After that conclusion is made it's followed by the horrifying realization that she couldn't remember the last time she'd snapped at someone and that she'd gone…_soft_)_._

xxxxxx

When she finally manages to drag herself out of bed and into the kitchen, she's not really all that surprised to see Castiel there. Then she remembers her ribs.

"How did you…?"

"I went and saw Dean and Sam at the hospital. They told me you were taking the day for yourself and I wanted to…see you."

(Okay, when he says things like that, that's when she seriously begins to doubt whether they should be left alone in a room together or not).

She presses her lips together into a thin line and makes her way over to the cooler, grabbing the first beer in sight. "Well Castiel, what's new for you?"

"I am cut off from the Host."

Pause.

"That's a bad thing right?" she asks as she takes a small sip from the can in her hand.

Castiel's lips twitch faintly, almost faint enough to go unnoticed. But she notices. "I'm going to find God."

Once she realizes he's serious the smile falls from her lips and the humor leaves her.

…She hadn't seen that one coming.

xxxxxx

(Afterwards once War's gone and they've stopped attacking each other and Jo makes an offhand comment about Ruby being upset she'd missed the fight is when it hits him yet again.

He hadn't even known Jo liked his girlfriend. Hell, he hadn't even been aware Jo _knew_ his girlfriend.

He'd missed a whole four months of everyone's lives and although he's tried to brush it off and ignore it, he can't help but think back to when things used to be so _easy_ with her and he didn't have to worry about an angel moving in on his territory.

Then again, back then he'd only had a few months to live and now he's here to stay).

xxxxxx

(When he returns home without Sam by his side she can't find it in herself to appear shocked.

When she notices the amulet missing from his neck and instead sees an ugly ass ring on a strand of yarn in its place, she doesn't comment either, too tired to care).

xxxxxx

(Blood…fire…pain…screams…screams…so many screams and they're deafening and they're begging and they're pleading but you have to because if you don't someone else will and then you'll be back on the rack and that _cannot_ happen because if it does you'll just end up breaking again and you can't because they'll torture you with images of her and Sammy and dad and mom and every other person you've lost…they prance around in front of you the days you can't do it and end up back on the rack and they spit and insult and seem so real because hallucinations have become your best friends and…

When he shoots up, sweating and choking on air the feel of her arms around his waist are all that keep him in place).

xxxxxx

When morning hits and she finds him wide awake and staring up at the ceiling she simply tightens her hold and kisses his neck.

xxxxxx

Sam's decided to ignore the dreams.

Jess is dead and gone and he's just missing her and hunting and that's exactly why he doesn't tell his sister about them when she stops by to check on him.

It's not because he wants to keep the dreams and Jess all to himself like he'd wanted with _Kristy_. Nope. Not at all.

xxxxxx

Instead of picking a side she's taken to alternating between both of her boys and it's only been a week but already she's ready to rip her hair out.

She'd much rather be home getting herself drunk and hiding out but she's decided that's unacceptable behavior. She's given a lot for the boys but the one thing she refuses to give is _herself_ and if that means she has to resort to bitching and telling them both how dumb she thinks they are than so be it. (Because she is a bitch and she does think they can be pretty dumb at times).

She is not about to lose herself again in them. She cannot break again because she honestly isn't so sure who's going to catch her this time. (Bobby's too busy being depressed, Sam's too busy being guilty, her boyfriend's too busy remembering, and Castiel…well, she doesn't really want to go there).

xxxxxx

Once she's done teasing Sam about the blonde coworker and she's back at the motel room she feels her eyebrows rise on their own at the sight of him and Castiel talking about personal space.

She stands by and watches as they go back and forth and feels the slightest bit of guilt invade her because she can just tell that they could have been great friends had she not befriended (?) the angel first.

xxxxxx

(The end of the world? Lindsey you have no idea).

xxxxxx

(She opts to stay behind; the idea of watching him corrupt Castiel by introducing him to lying and God knows what else: not the most appealing thing).

xxxxxx

She's there though when Castiel returns from Jerusalem and the prospect of the angel's death becomes a factor.

She makes the appropriate snarky comments that two weeks ago she wouldn't have had the energy to say and two years ago she would have loved to.

Castiel just sits there blushing as his virginity comes to air and of course her boyfriend has to step in and make sure he finishes corrupting the poor blue-eyed creature.

She opts to stay behind, again; the idea of watching him and Castiel at a brothel _not_ really that appealing either.

xxxxxx

(She makes her way back to Sam and watches from a distance as he agrees to dinner with Lindsey.

_Way to go Sammy_).

xxxxxx

As they run out of the brothel, him laughing and grinning, Castiel panicking and frowning he comes to the conclusion that maybe the angel isn't so bad after all.

xxxxxx

(Okay, watching Cas' face pale at the mention of God's death is not on his list of favorite things to see).

xxxxxx

She watches the dinner go off perfectly and feels a small part of her heart tighten at the thought that she and her significant other had never gone on a _date_ of all things.

xxxxxx

It kills her to watch. It does. But if she's learned anything over the years it's that if someone's going to get their ass kicked and you don't feel that bad about it, it's probably because they might deserve it.

While Sam being that close to demon blood makes her own blood boil she knows that he needs to win this fight on his own.

(As she watches the two hunters exit the bar, beaten and bloody, she can't help but feel proud).

xxxxxx

When he whispers the truth of how time away from his brother is really affecting him into the silence and to an angel who can probably rival his daddy issues with his own is when he gets what she'd meant when she'd said that the angel's a good listener.

(But then he glances over at the empty passenger seat and lets that thought disappear from his mind).

xxxxxx

No, _no, _**no**...not Jess but Lucifer and he's the vessel and he always knew he was bad but this is just…oh God what would his siblings say, what would Bobby say? He can't, he can't tell them because if they knew they would want him gone for good and he _needs_ them to survive and now he has to be strong because no one else is going to do it for him and she can't fight anymore of his battles because as much as she tries to hide it, he knows how tired she is and he knows he's also lost her trust along the way and that hurts almost more than losing his brother's trust…

xxxxxx

She says nothing as she watches him hang up on her angelic friend and then do the same to Sam. She knows it's no use talking to him when he's in a mood and the last thing she wants is a fight so she agrees with herself to wait until morning.

When she wakes in a handful of hours and he isn't there, the sigh she breathes into the air might have been out of relief or panic…she isn't 100% sure.

xxxxxx

(Croatoan…okay, breathe, breathe, he can deal with this, he can, he just has to find Bobby because Bobby can fix everything and there's a reason the older hunter's number one on speed dial and okay, it's all looking quiet but that's okay and what's his chair doing turned over like that…okay, Bobby's not…here but that's okay because there is a picture with Bobby and Cas and Ruby all smiling and happy with guns and is Cas wearing actual jeans and okay focus have to get to this Camp Whatever and see what's going on and what's changed and if Bobby's…

…okay made it to the camp but future him has some serious issues and he won't answer any questions about Ruby so he sneaks out and runs into Chuck of all people and okay, Cas' cabin looks like something out of Easy Rider and the angel's a hippie with long hair and he asks him about Ruby because they're practically best friends in his time so it must still be true here and why are his eyes clouding over in pain when he brings up Ruby's name and why won't anyone tell him where the hell his girlfriend is because he knows Sam's dead – obviously – and Bobby's…not around anymore – that bullet hole showed that – and why won't anyone answer about…

…oh…she's…she's dead…

…Lucifer killed her…captured her and tortured her actually for information but she wouldn't break – all those centuries in Hell probably helped – and she stayed loyal and Lucifer had left her body by the front of the Camp for all to see as a sign of his power and though many mourned her death – because although she was a demon she was a good one and she was great with the kids and with medicine and keeping things light – future him shut down and started to torture again and liked it and…

…breathe, breathe, keep breathing…she's…alive in his time so he has to focus on getting back to her and fixing things because they've been wrong between them for a long while now and…five years? Five years it took him to get the Colt and God doesn't he feel like a failure? He watches the meeting go down and has to hide the disgust at the way future him treats Cas though it's obvious they've gotten closer since their first meeting and this Risa chick's pretty kick ass and this plan sounds pretty insane and what's future him hiding and…

…Sam…Sammy said yes and…Lucifer wore him to prom and…Sam's gone and…

…how…how did this happen? How did Cas become a druggie and when he asks this the pain in the angel's eyes is enough…Ruby's death changed us all is what the angel, ex-angel, says and this makes him hurt in ways he didn't think possible and he'd known Ruby and Cas were close in his time and when he asks how close did they actually get all he gets is a sad, twisted smile in return but that's okay because the smile's more than enough…

…this isn't right…he knows it isn't…he questions his future self because when he'd met Cas' gaze he'd seen that the ex-angel had known something he didn't and…sacrifice…of course…Cas would know because apparently Cas still knows it all and future him is obviously broken if he's willing to go this far and he can't let him, no he has to save Cas and Risa and all those innocent…he never saw the fist coming…

…where…what…wait, future…Zachariah…him…have to stop himself and he's running but he hears the gun shots and the screams and knows it's too late and of course it is so he runs to the back and watches as Sammy…no, not Sam…kills his future self and that hurts deep in his heart and the sound of Lucifer using Sammy's voice to taunt him cuts into his skin and makes him sick and oh God is this guy – thing, angel, whatever – actually trying to get sympathy from him? Damn it, kill him now because when he returns to the future he's so going to kick Zachariah's ass and…

…back…home…back to the present and Zachariah's here and where's his girlfriend and Cas…of course Cas and her save the day and while he's still bitter to know that in the future somehow the angel and his girl hook up he's happy to see them together and rescuing him because it means things are back to normal…except, there's one more thing he needs to do…

…as he hands Sammy back his gun and see his little brother smile warmly like all is right with the world he starts to believe those broken words he'd spoken into a small hospital room all those weeks ago…that they can win, that they'll beat the devil and save the world).

xxxxxx

She sits the next hunt out, despite his obvious excitement over something called the Little Bastard (?). She's not sure she wants to go back home though because Bobby's been moping around lately and snapping and _accidently_ running over her toes with his chair and she can only be sympathetic for so long.

So she turns to Castiel and while she's not happy about the way her stomach tightens when the angel's around, she is happy that he's quickly becoming her best friend.

She knows her boys haven't been that supportive of the angel's God hunt so she offers her services and the non-smile Castiel gives her is more than worth the stomach tightening.

xxxxxx

They start out in Mexico of all places and when she asks why incredulously all the angel has for her are muttered words that place the blame on her boyfriend's shoulders (last time she lets him try to educate her angel via movie marathons).

xxxxxx

"Ruby…what is a Kit-Kat?"

xxxxxx

The day passes by in failure and by the next morning all they've got is a stack of day old fries, a bloody sombrero (long story for another time) and a plate of half eaten tortillas that she'd insisted she needed.

"Don't get discouraged, He's probably hiding somewhere in plain sight and we'll find Him in no time. Swear." And while she can't remember the last time she'd ever tried to make someone feel better (Sam, the day of the funeral) she does know the angel understands what she's trying to do when he nods in her direction silently.

xxxxxx

Though the next two days go by without success, they're the most fun she's had in a while – watching Castiel get chased out of that diner by the cook had made her week – and she wonders what that says about her relationship with a certain Winchester.

xxxxxx

She makes her angel (when did she start thinking of him as hers exactly?) drop her off at home first to check on Bobby.

All she gets is a grumbled "I'm fine" from the older hunter and a beer thrust into her hand. She accepts this because she knows the last thing Bobby needs is to be treated differently because of the wheelchair.

She stays the night and heads out in the morning, leaving a trail of well meant snarky comments in her wake.

xxxxxx

Despite it being in Nebraska of all places she sticks with the boys on the next one. She parts reluctantly from her angel with a long hug – that Castiel, shockingly, returns after a few awkward and tense seconds go by – that two years ago she would have never even dared considered doing and a promise to help him again soon.

She ignores her boys' gazes as she watches her angel disappear.

xxxxxx

Itching power, joy buzzer - he is so splitting that ham with her - and the tooth fairy?

Okay, her Thursday night just got a whole lot more interesting.

xxxxxx

The antichrist …she can now honestly say she's seen and heard it all.

xxxxxx

She stays to the side of their argument. While she doesn't agree they should kill the kid she doesn't want to stay any longer there than they have to.

xxxxxx

After, when the kid's gone and Castiel returned to his normal 5'11'' self she ignores her boyfriend's almost betrayed gaze as she reaches out and squeezes the angel's hand tightly before he disappears.

xxxxxx

(Back at the motel around one in the morning he finally speaks up.

"Hey Caroline…you and Cas…"

"Just friends."

Silence.

"Okay."

"Good. Now shut the fuck up and go back to sleep.")

xxxxxx

The fights start out simple enough after that.

A gun left unloaded (silent treatment for a whole three hours), a blade left uncleaned (heated words yelled over the Impala's engine), blood staining the Impala's leather (glaring contest held through the rearview mirror)…

It's a few days after the incident with the antichrist when they finally snap.

Sam's been buying lunch (he'd jumped at the chance) and she's been lounging on said brother's bed, loading and unloading one of the handguns over and over.

_Click, click, click. _Pause. _Click, click, click._ Pause. _Click, clic –_

"Would you cut it the fuck out?"

She freezes, puts the gun down and sits up. "Excuse me?" she all but snarls and while she knows she shouldn't egg him on because they've both been on edge lately, she can't seem to help herself.

"I said would you cut it the fuck out. Some people are trying to concentrate here."

She gives no reply at this just continues to stare incredulously as he munches on a week old candy bar. Despite her look he continues to eat away as if it were the most important thing ever. She keeps her glare on him as if just by looking he'll suddenly catch fire.

"You look like a bitch when you do that."

As soon as those mumbled words are out she's across the room and throwing herself at him; before he even has a chance to react she's smacking the chocolate away and slamming their mouths together. Instead of protesting and pushing her away he returns the kiss with equal force and digs his fingers deep into her waist and back, causing the smallest of pained moans to escape her lips. Not to be out done she clenches her thighs around his waist and curls her nails into his hair, dragging her surprisingly sharp nails across his scalp.

Instead of the answer she's hoping for though she is suddenly picked up and shoved against the dirty motel wall. She growls in the back of her throat as shockwaves of pain shot through her. She retaliates by biting down hard on his tongue and when he returns the favor she can almost swear she starts to see stars beneath her closed eyelids.

Before she even knows what's happening they're falling to the even dirtier motel floor, kissing and bruising and tearing and clawing away with the occasional venom filled insult thrown in between.

xxxxxx

(Back to that old game now are you?)

xxxxxx

When it's over and most of the room's destroyed she feels tears fill her eyes at the knowledge of what they'd just done. She tightens the thin sheet around herself and from her position on the floor takes in the damage. The bed – both actually – are done for, the sheets torn and ratty, the nightstand is stained and standing unevenly, and the floor is scattered with clothes and shoes and small specks of blood and sweat…

…her eyes then fall to her arms, stomach and thighs, absorbing the bruises and teeth marks and scratches lining her body.

The tears fall forward as it hits her that they'd reverted back to their old ways; back to when the sex had been just that and the goal had been to see who could hurt the other more.

The bathroom door opens slowly and he steps out, sweatpants hanging loosely over his hips. His eyes also trail the room and when they finally meet her she can't help but notice the pain in them. He makes a move towards her but stops when she flinches away.

Silence.

Before he can protest she's gone and he's alone.

xxxxxx

(When Sam finally returns it's to find his brother leaning against the motel wall in nothing but sweatpants and staring aimlessly at the mess that's now their room).

xxxxxx

(Three phone calls two tear-full rants and two days later Castiel appears in her bedroom, looking incredibly awkward as he watches her cry. Instead of denying the tears and trying to put on a brave face she allows them to continue flowing as she jumps on the angel, wrapping her arms tight around him.

A few moments pass before he folds his arms around her back and tentatively returns the hug. "There, there…don't cry? Would you like some chocolate?"

All she can do is laugh a broken, sob filled laugh and tighten her arms around her angel).

xxxxxx

Sam doesn't ask where his sister has gone, simply does his best to ignore his brother's sullen mood for the next few days. Of course then said brother has to go and sell about half of his life time away in a game of _poker_ of all things.

xxxxxx

(Getting told by a twenty-something year old that you remind her of her grandfather…not good for the self-esteem).

xxxxxx

Castiel and her continue their hunt in Italy, the only explanation being that he'd heard up in the clouds that the Big Man likes what's been done there. She shrugs and goes along with it, any excuse to put more distance between her and _him_.

xxxxxx

(When they spend that night staring out into foreign yet familiar starry skies instead of celebrating for succeeding she sighs into the cold air.

"This is a lot harder than I expected it would be…maybe the amulet doesn't work?"

Castiel simply frowns deeper and she sucker punches his shoulder softly before wrapping her arms around his stiff forearm tightly, trying to provide what comfort she can).

xxxxxx

When he's lying on the floor, suffering from a premature heart attack and clutching at his chest desperately all he can do is remember a similar instance where she'd kept him calm and alive and wonder why she hasn't returned to him yet.

xxxxxx

Reassuring Bobby of his importance only really does one thing to him: make him depressed as hell.

While he's glad he's been able to help his surrogate father, a part of him resents the fact that it reminds him of the ever present fact that once a hunter always a hunter and that there is no way out of the lifestyle. At all.

xxxxxx

When his nightmares hit and she isn't there to sooth the remains away is when it gets to him that he has to do the chasing.

xxxxxx

(Looking everywhere for your possible ex-girlfriend and getting no results combined with the news that the Trickster's started showing his head around again is **not** the best way to start your morning).

xxxxxx

Getting trapped in TV Land is doing **nothing** for his terrible mood.

xxxxxx

(Having your angel bail on you midway through a pop culture '80s lesson with just a simple "the Winchesters need my help" combined with not being able to find your boys anywhere is **not** the best way to start your morning).

xxxxxx

Having Bobby tell her (after a few days have gone by) that he's heard nothing from either her angel or her boys for the past four days does **nothing** to improve her withering mood.

xxxxxx

He winces at the sight of Castiel being zapped away, knowing his whatever-she-was would kill them if they managed to lose her angel buddy.

xxxxxx

She finally manages to find the boys' motel room but the only thing there is for her to do is sit down on one of the beds, cross her arms and wait.

xxxxxx

"What the hell do you mean you don't know where Castiel is?" she snarls as soon as the news leaves their lips.

He doesn't answer so she turns her attentions to a cowering Sam, a hint of satisfaction at his fear. "Well, the Trickster, he kind of – well we don't really know what it is he did but he did say Castiel's alive…maybe."

Her glare turns into full on war-rage but when she looks over at him and then back at Sam, it's to find the younger Winchester gone.

xxxxxx

Seeing Sam as a car…sort of made her feel better.

xxxxxx

(An angel…of course he is).

xxxxxx

(An archangel…even better).

xxxxxx

She ignores Gabriel's glances at her. She knows he knows she's a demon so, what the hell?

It becomes clear though when the archangel makes an offhand comment about Castiel befriending her of all things. She matches his glare with one of her own and it's only the knowledge that he can retrieve Castiel that keeps her from lunging.

That and he looks at her with a sort of…sadness? As if asking what business does she have in spending time with his brother – his family – when he obviously can't. She makes sure her eyes convey her response: _What business do you have missing a brother that never knew you except for when you torment him and his friends?_

Gabriel nods once at her. She returns it.

xxxxxx

(Having an archangel/pagan god with the mentality of an eight year old tell you off is _not_ the most humbling thing in the world).

xxxxxx

As soon as they are back at the motel and able to relax she turns her glare over to her angel. She can feel a rant coming on about telling her where he's going the next time he zaps away but it sounds too much like something a wife would say, she continues to glower silently.

Castiel meets her gaze and a moment later extends his arm out towards her direction.

Three pairs of curious gazes turn to him.

The angel sighs, "You have that look on your face. That one you get when you are about to…sucker punch me? I've come to realize this is your way of showing affection and find I quite like it."

Ignoring Sam's snickers and his jealous gaze she smirks lightly and walks over to her friend. She pauses in front of him for a moment before punching his shoulder lightly and then wrapping her arms around his upper arm. "That's what friends do." She beams, ignoring the tightening of her stomach that speaks of how false her statement was.

The angel nods slowly at this before giving her a similar smirk. "Friends…I like it."

Her smirk grows as she drags him over to one of the beds and turns on the small television. "Come on, I think Against All Odds is going to start soon. The boys can go get us food, right boys?" she directs her question at Sam, ignoring her whatever-he-was' gaze.

Sam, still snickering lightly at the display her and the angel had shown, grabs his room key and drags his brother out, leaving the two friends to their '80s movie.

xxxxxx

When her boys go off to answer's Chuck's text she stays behind with her angel.

After a soft nod at Sam and an avoided glance at him (when she looks at him, all she can see is blood and tears and sweat) she turns her gaze over to Castiel with a grin. "Where are we searching today?"

xxxxxx

(Okay, when she'd asked, she sure as hell hadn't expected Ohio as the answer…

…but her mood is raised considerably when they run into two of her favorite hunters).

xxxxxx

Taking a much needed break from their God hunt she sits down across from Jo in the small diner as Castiel and Ellen continue to try and out drink each other a few feet away.

"So tell me, what's going on with you and Winchester these days?" Her blonde friend asks lightly while sucking down on a lemon wedge.

She barely contains a scoff at the subtly and instead rolls her eyes, composing her face into a tight smile. "Halted. Indefinitely."

The lemon wedge drops.

"Do I even want to ask why?" Jo asks softly and for this the demon's grateful.

"Just…little things at first you know? Stupid ass fights that ended a few hours later but then after a while…we…" she stops and blinks away the stupid tears filling her eyes.

Jo presses her lips together and waits for her to continue.

"We…reverted back to our old habits. Something I'd promised myself I wouldn't allow because it'd been a very fucked up time for us and violent and" she drops her face into her hands. "awful and I was just so damn mad at him…"

Jo offers no words at this, her friend having already confided in her all those months ago just what exactly the start of her relationship with the eldest Winchester had consisted of. Jo wordlessly passes over another beer and she takes it quickly, desperate to drown out the pain blooming from the center of her chest.

xxxxxx

While it's oddly flattering (and painfully annoying) to see so many people dressed up as him, watching dozens of Ruby-wanna-bes walking around everywhere is doing nothing for the tight knot at the bottom of his stomach.

xxxxxx

(Hearing dozens of strangers dressed up as his friends and enemies comment on his love life does nothing for his sour mood.

"It's obvious they loved each other."

"Yeah but she's a demon, it would never have worked."

"I think he would have been better with Jo or that Cassey chick from year one."

"What? Ruby was perfect for him! It was a great forbidden love thing."

"No, Lisa. I mean, Ben's _obviously_ his kid."

"I still say Ruby and Sam should have gotten it on."

"Oh come on, it was too destructive for them even to consider. I mean, hello, Spike and Buffy season 6 anyone?"

"Okay, one Ruby's not a sexy British vampire and two, it wasn't destructive, just passionate."

"I bet she was working for Lilith. Remembers being human_, oh please_."

"They were soul mates!"

"They beat on each other!"

"Out of love!"

"Yeah and I bet that's what Spike told – "

"Not a vampire!"

Sam shoots him an amused gaze).

xxxxxx

(God damn it Bela; even when in Hell you still find a way to shake things up).

xxxxxx

When she hears about the Colt's location and whom it's been spending time with…she can't say she's all that surprised.

If she remembers correctly (and she does, she remembers her time down under perfectly) Crowley always did have a thing for power.

xxxxxx

Watching Ellen lose yet again to Castiel definitely helps make her night.

Despite all of their possible deaths looming over them she finds herself feeling pretty carefree that night; joking with Sam, gossiping with Jo, swapping soft insults with Bobby, holding staring contests with Castiel (she doesn't even know why she fucking bothers anymore; the angel _always_ wins), trading stories with Ellen, and avoiding her whatever-he-was' gaze.

It isn't until later, when they're taking the picture in Bobby's library, all happy and huddled together that a sinking feeling hits her hard and refuses to leave for the entire night.

xxxxxx

(Having Castiel abandon them as soon as they got to Carthage doesn't really do much to calm her nerves).

xxxxxx

Another second.

Just another; that's how long she looks away and that's all it takes for Jo to get attacked. By the time she's at her friend's side and shooting away at the hellhounds the damage has been done.

xxxxxx

_Deep breaths, deep, deep breaths._

He closes his eyes tightly as he passes on what's happened to Bobby, his hands betraying him and shaking violently.

_Jo…she, she'll be fine and okay and we'll find Cas and he'll heal her and…damn it!_

xxxxxx

Blood. Blood, so much blood and it's everywhere and Jo's eyes are dilated and Ellen's trying to be strong but she can see right through it and Castiel's still missing and the blood's seeping through her hands and spilling and Jo…oh God she thinks she can see some organs and…

…damn it, she'd though she'd gotten over hyperventilating.

xxxxxx

Sam pulls her away from Jo's…body once the shakes start. She starts to babble and cry and shake and it's all so unlike her (but it is because he'd seen her have them before for months on end) that it scares him almost as much as Jo bleeding out.

xxxxxx

She's clutching Jo to her side when it's said.

Ellen's in front of them both and although she knows they're trying their best she also knows it's making no difference. Her hand shoots out and grips Ellen's tightly; while she knows it's hard for her she can't even start to imagine what it's like for Ellen.

"Let's be realistic here." Jo whispers and it's that, that draws her attention to the conversation. She tightens her grip on her friend and presses down harder on the messy patch up, desperate to block out their words.

She knows she's being ridiculous and childish but she'll be damned if she lets someone else she cares about die because of her. Jo just needs a bit more time and better supplies and actual doctors and…

…she's barely aware he's pulling her away from Jo until she catches sight of Ellen where she used to be and Sam loading supplies up.

xxxxxx

When it's all ready and done she finds she has no more tears left. She crouches down before her friend and smirks lightly. "It's been fun Barbie." She whispers softly. Jo smiles weakly in return and nods her head over to where her boys are standing with Ellen. "You – you take c-care of them alright? Those boys needs s-someone half-way sensible w-watching their asses." Jo finishes this with a small cough, a bloody smile on her lips. Before she can think up a half ay decent retort, Jo's pressing the knife she'd been clutching to her side into her friend's hands. "H-here. I need you to take care of this too, 'kay?"

She looks down in astonishment, vaguely recalling an instant where Jo had spoken of her father and of the knife's origin. (It'd been during one of the many Thursday nights after his death that they'd stayed up together eating vanilla ice cream and getting drunk). She knows how much the knife means, what it represents and for it to be left to her...

She only nods in response and grips the knife tightly before dropping a single kiss on the blonde's forehead. She gives her one more smirk before standing and walking over to where the others are whispering. They've already said their goodbyes and it's time to kill the devil.

xxxxxx

When the building explodes into a fiery mess behind them she can't help but pause. She ignores Sam's tugs on her arm as she watches the flames increase, consuming all…consuming Ellen and Jo.

(She ignores the sharp pain that enters her chest at this thought. She has to be strong and finish this…for them).

xxxxxx

Numb.

Numbness and disbelief is all Sam can feel as he glances over at his siblings' unconscious bodies and then back at Lucifer. Why in the hell they'd thought the Colt would work is now beyond him. (He remembers Castiel telling them that the only thing that can kill an angel is an **angel**.

Why would Lucifer be any exception?)

Now Ellen and Jo are dead for nothing and Death's going to be freed and the world's going to go up in flames.

xxxxxx

That night, as they all drink their hearts out and watch the picture (the only reminder of this night and what's been lost) burn, all she can do to keep the aches down and the traitor tears at bay is lean her forehead against her angel's trench coat and sigh.

xxxxxx

The weeks after pass in slow motion; no hunts showing up so they really have no reason to leave Bobby's. It's quiet and oddly peaceful…

…but if he sees Castiel and her whispering to each other one more time…angel and a demon, seriously, isn't that against the laws of physics or something?

Whenever he mentions this to Sam or Bobby all he gets is an eye roll (from the latter) or a lecture about being a man and apologizing (from the former). He ignores both, continuing to tune the Impala (despite its perfection) and drink (despite the hollow feeling it brings him).

xxxxxx

(Never were that good at sharing, were you Dean?)

xxxxxx

It's mid-December when Bobby snaps.

xxxxxx

The older hunter can take a lot and while he loves the boys, has learned to think of the snarky blonde demon (it's a rare day when he remembers that tidbit and even then he can't say it bothers him that much anymore) as one of his own and appreciates the angel, he will not, in any terms, stand for his scotch being touched.

It's early on a Wednesday when Bobby rolls into the library slowly, hearing the sounds of conversation flowing out. Already the hunter knows it's her and Castiel because they're the only ones who do any sort of talking these days. When he gets there it's to see said angel and demon by the fireplace playing what appears to be a very slow and painful game of cards (he doesn't even want to think about how long it probably took the poor demon to teach the angel the rules) and the boys by the windowsill each holding a glass of…**scotch**?

Bobby stops his wheelchair in its tracks and feels the rage start to boil. Weeks and weeks of repressed anger and grief and pain all start to rush upwards, fueling him further. Sam's the first to look up and when he does it's to sigh in Bobby's direction. "Hey Bobby, how old is this stuff again?" The younger Winchester asks only to pause and allow his eyebrows to furrow together. "Are you okay? Is your chair stuck?"

The older hunter holds up a hand to stop Sam when he tries to make his way over. By now the other three occupants of the room are gazing at Bobby and Sam in curiosity.

"Put. The. Scotch. Down."

Both boys let their glasses drop down onto the windowsill. (She shoves the bottle she'd been trying to hide into the unlit fireplace quickly).

"Step. Away. From. The. Scotch."

They take three steps forward.

"Now out."

Confusion.

"Bobby are you – "

"_Out_! Get the hell out of my house now you good for nothing moping **idjits**! Get out and come back when you've stopped feeling _sorry_ for yourself and I've had time to breathe properly! Out now!"

She snickers lightly into her sleeve.

Beady eyes turn to her. "You too Barbie. Out, come on, take your pet angel with you too – _"I am no one's pet"_ – and don't let me see you back here either until you've worked out whatever crap you and this one – _"Hey!"_ – have got going on."

Silence.

"_**Now**_!"

They all scramble out (even Castiel, who has decided he likes the older hunter immensely better when he's grumbling and drinking) of the library and are out of the house within two minutes.

xxxxxx

The four of them end up awkwardly stuffed into a random motel room Castiel had zapped them all into.

After a few awkward and tense moments have gone by and no one's bothered to say anything is when Castiel moves.

"Ruby, Dean." The angel says simply and after reaching for Sam, the eldest Winchester and blonde demon find themselves alone.

xxxxxx

Sam sighs from his position on the floor. "How long are we supposed to leave them in there?"

Castiel pauses, thinks this question over and then responds: "As long as it takes for them to deal with their issues. I was enjoying my stay at Robert's house and did not appreciate being told to…get out."

Sam offers a snort at this but nods.

xxxxxx

Silence and the slightest of twitches.

It's been ten minutes since they were left alone and neither has spoken a word.

She uncrosses her arms slightly and glances up at the ceiling. _When I get out of here so help me Castiel…_

She ignores the stare coming from the only other occupant of the room as she throws herself down on top of the motel bed, fully prepared to sleep the time away.

Another few seconds pass on by before he opens his mouth. "Car – "

"Ruby." She snaps, already sensing how this was going to go.

Confusion. "What?"

"My name. It's Ruby. Not Caroline. Not anymore."

He rolls his eyes at this but says nothing, sitting down across from her on the bed. "Look it's obvious Clarence won't let – "

"Okay, there, right there is our problem!"

"What?"

"_Clarence_? Really? He pulled you out of freaking Hell, the least you can do is show him some respect, maybe even some friendliness. He is **just** my friend, nothing more. If anything I'd think you'd be glad we aren't trying to kill each other seeing what we are."

"Oh yeah, I'm loads grateful that my girlfriend's making happy with an angel!"

"Dear God what is it with you? **I love you**. You, not Castiel. What will it take for you to get that?" she pleads and the pain is evident in her eyes as she stares into his face. He looks away from her intense gaze and concentrates on the mismatched coloring on the floor. His next words are spoken down to the ground. "You love me?" he mumbles and at this she can only chuckle darkly.

"Of _course_ I do." She can't seem to keep the exasperation out of her voice; Winchesters are exhausting to be around. "I've told you before."

"Once. You've told me once and even then it was right before –"

They both flinch.

She slides over the bed sheets and crawls over to where he's sitting. Before he can protest she's in his lap and wrapping her legs around his waist. "I. Love. You. You and no one else. Why can't that be enough for you?"

"It is. More than enough actually but I just…I don't know, feel lost around you these days. All those months – "

"Years…they felt like years for me too." Pause. "Look, I get it, I do, I'm not that good with words either but…I can't okay. I can't go back to what we were and – "

"I'm not asking you to."

"Yes, you are. If we keep at this, if we keep going the way we are, we'll be right back to where we were two years ago."

More silence.

She leans her head into his shoulder and takes in a deep breath, having missed the scent of leather and grime that was so uniquely Winchester.

…

"Then we'll start over. Okay, right from the beginning; get it right this time around."

She snorts. "What, you mean like dating? No sex and all that?"

The grin he gives her is so Dean Winchester it almost hurts. "That's exactly what I'm saying." He unwraps her legs from his body and shifts her off his lap before standing quickly, his grin suddenly so infectious she can't seem to hide her own. "Dean Winchester. Hunter and the best damn thing you'll ever have." He offers slyly, smirking deeply.

She returns the smirk as she gets up to stand before him. "Ruby. Demon and sex Goddess extraordinaire." Her eyes flash onyx and she's pleasantly surprised when he doesn't flinch back but actually smirks wider.

xxxxxx

(Familiar hope starts to bloom in her chest before she can stop it).

xxxxxx

(When Sam and Castiel return it's to find them both asleep on top of the motel bed, hands clasped together and knees pressed against each other).

xxxxxx

Bobby lets them return three days later, grudgingly admitting he's actually missed them and if they don't touch his scotch they can come back.

xxxxxx

It's December 20th when she brings it up. The boys had just gotten back from a vampire's nest down in New Orleans and she and Castiel had returned from Africa a few hours after them.

"I want Christmas."

All movement stops in the kitchen and Bobby actually wheels himself in from where he'd been reading in the library.

"Um…why?" Sam asks as gently as possible.

She grins brightly. "J-Jo and I had actually made plans to celebrate it together and I thought it'd be nice to do it anyways. You know since we might all die fighting the devil."

"What is the point to this…Christmas?" Castiel finally asks and when they all turn to the angel it's to see him gazing at his demon friend curiously, head titled just so.

"It's a day where you receive lots of present and get really, really drunk."

He snorts into his coffee.

Bobby rolls his eyes at the conversation and makes his way over to where Sam's attempting to make bacon. (And failing. Horribly).

"Actually," Sam makes sure his glare has extra _Sam_ in it. "It's about spending time with your family and being grateful for what you have."

"Isn't that Thanksgiving?" she demands.

"No. _That's_ the holiday for drinking."

"Whatever dumbass. What do you boys think?"

Bobby grunts, sipping at his cup of coffee, Sam shrugs and her date-buddy/kind of boyfriend grins and nods.

"Perfect. This means that we have to get shopping right now if we want to have the house presentable."

"Presentable for who? It's just you idjits ain't it?"

She glares at Bobby quickly before turning her attention back at her boys. "This might be our last Christmas together and damn it, it will be wonderful. Got it?" She makes sure to flash them her onyx eyes. (She's learned the hard way that they're more likely to listen when reminded of what she is).

Both Winchester nod at this simply and Bobby makes his way back to his books. When she looks back to where Castiel had been sitting though it's to find the space empty and the angel nowhere in sight.

xxxxxx

(Later that night when the boys are asleep and Bobby's researching is when it hits her that Castiel has never seen her with her true eyes before that day).

xxxxxx

She finds her angel outside by the Impala. It's around three in the morning and she'd gone outside to lie in said car for a while, the Singer residence being far too quiet for her.

She makes her away over to the angel and sits down across from him, crossing her arms over her chest tightly. She presses her lips together into a thin line before speaking. "It was my eyes…wasn't it?"

Silence and the smallest of exhales.

"I forget sometimes…what you are. You make it very easy to. You seem very human around the Winchester and that's…not okay."

"Why isn't that a good thing?" she asks softly, her arms tightening.

Castiel looks up from the floor and when his eyes meet hers she can't help but feel her chest tighten. His blue (so, so blue) eyes gaze at her holding what could only be described as pain inside of them. "It…it means I am forgetting what I am."

"You're Castiel, angel of the Lord and…and my best friend."

The angel simply looks away at this. "It'd be easier to hate you."

She smirks lightly at this, allowing some warmth to fill them. "Maybe. I used to hate you. When you were making threats at Sam."

"What changed your mind?"

She frowns at this and leans back against the windshield of the car she's sitting on. "I'm not sure really." (But she is. She remembers that night, after the angel had read her mind and disappeared; she'd stayed up staring at the motel's yellow ceiling and thinking about how…calming the angel had been, how reassuring).

Castiel frowns and averts his gaze from her.

"My name was Caroline. My human name anyways. If it helps you can call me that or whatever."

The blue-eyed angel looks back up and when their eyes connect this time, the pain in her chest all but disappears.

"Caroline…it's a very pretty name. Means 'free man'."

She rolls her eyes, glad it's been forgotten and hops off of the car. "Come on, I found some old decorations in Bobby's attic. We can start while the boys are asleep. Oh! You can go get the tree." She tugs on his arm and starts to pull him back into the house.

"Tree?"

"Yes, humans seem to have this thing for shoving animal disease infested trees into their homes for some odd reason but whatever, what are we to complain?"

xxxxxx

(The next morning when Castiel calls her Ruby instead of Caroline and the angel explains that it feels wrong because she's not that person anymore, all she can wonder is if the angel understands then why can't her date buddy/kind of boyfriend).

xxxxxx

It happens on the 23rd while they're out present shopping. Her and Sam were given exactly three hours to shop before the eldest Winchester started drinking the eggnog and left none for them. They'd left the house with him waving a bottle of whiskey at them and her flipping him the bird.

They're in the mall's food court surrounded in multiple bags around noon, delaying their departure and trying to see how badly they can piss off the eldest Winchester.

"Okay, so I've got Dean, Bobby and Castiel all worked out. I even got something for yours truly. What do you want?" she demands, making sure to kick his leg with her heels while she's at it. (When Sam had questioned her about her choice of footwear, her reply had been simple: "There's never a wrong time to look good.")

Sam smirks and grasps her ankle underneath the table before it can make contact with his shin once more. "Nice try."

"Whatever. But if I end up getting you sequins, it is all on you."

Sam only rolls his eyes at this and stabs his fork into the salad before him. She's about to make another offhand comment about his eating habits when she hears a perky voice behind them exclaim rather loudly: "Sam?"

The Winchester before her looks up suddenly, looking mildly alarmed before plastering on the oh so smooth Winchester smile that's oh so very full of charm. She scowls at this and when she spins around it's to see a pretty brunette with a ten year old walking towards them. When said brunette gets to their table Sam stands and gives her a hesitant – and quick – hug and smirks down at the boy.

"Lisa. Ben, it's good to see you guys again but, um, what are you doing all the way up here in Dakota?" he asks as politely as possible and she can tell from his nervous smile that these are people him and his brother hadn't planned for her to meet.

"Just vising the Grandparents and – " Before the pretty brunette can finish her sentence though Ben's speaking. "Is Dean here?" he asks excitedly.

She turns a tight smile over to Sam before facing the two intruders. "Hey, I'm Ruby." She beams, making sure to flash them extra teeth.

The pretty brunette (she's getting the feeling that by the end of this meeting she won't be feeling particularly inclined to use her actual name) smiles down at her and holds out her hand. "Lisa."

She shakes the hand timidly before addressing Ben (she's getting the feeling she might actually like the kid, if he keeps bouncing the way he is). "Dean's back home getting some last minute decorations ready."

The pretty brunette's face falters at this but her bright (oh so very bright) smile stays perfectly in place. "Home? You, you guys have stopped…you know?"

She makes sure to brighten her smile as well. "A hunter's job is never done." (She ignores how petty she knows she's being).

Ben's grin widens. "Cool."

(Yeah, she definitely likes the kid).

"How do you know **my **Winchesters?" She ignores Sam's pleading gaze.

"Oh, old friends with Dean you know. We met about some years ago and – "

"How old are you Ben?" (Where has her subtly gone?)

"_Okay_," Sam – wisely – interjects. He smiles brightly at the two women. "Lisa, it's been great seeing you again and Ben, I'll tell Dean you asked about him. Ruby, come on, now."

She does as she's told and grabs all her bags. She flashes one more smile at the pretty brunette and actually allows some genuine happiness to enter her grin when she glances at Ben and follows Sam out.

xxxxxx

("He looks like Dean…Ben."

Silence and the soft hum of the Impala's engine.

Sam's gaze stays focused on the road ahead.

"Just tell me he's not Dean's. Just…lie to me."

Sam nods once at this and responds tightly. "Ben's not Dean's son."

She leans her head against the window's glass and concentrates on ignoring the way her heart's tightening).

xxxxxx

When they return home she smiles tightly at him and says she's fine.

When Sam mentions Lisa and Ben and his face lights up, it is **not** her heart that can be heard cracking all through out the room.

xxxxxx

She asks Castiel and the grim expression her angel gives her is enough; Castiel, after all, knows all.

xxxxxx

That night, when they're lying in her bed and Castiel's off with Bobby pouring over books and Sam's finishing wrapping up his purchases is when she asks him. (She needs, _needs_ to hear the words from him).

She's wrapped in his arms (arms that suddenly don't feel so warm) when the question leaves her lips. "Is Ben your son?"

Pause.

His arms tighten around her and he presses a kiss to her temple (the last time he'd done that he'd had only five hours to live). "Honestly?"

"Yes please." She means to sound strong and _Ruby_ but it comes out weak and _Caroline_.

"I don't know." He murmurs.

"Okay."

(The already suffocating grip on her heart tightens by just that much).

xxxxxx

(When Christmas morning comes, it's filled with smiles and grumbled 'idjits' and awkward angels and pissed brothers and it's all so perfectly perfect she almost doesn't hold back the tears in time).

xxxxxx

After everyone's been fed and has had their coffee (Castiel had declined her offers, muttering something very close to abomination when she'd tried to give him a piece of toast, instead demanding chocolate) is when they decide to open presents.

The library's the only room they'd bothered to decorate and she could proudly state that she loved it. She'd decked the whole room out in forest greens and bright red lights, hung around mistletoes and stickers of tress nearly everywhere; she'd even gotten Castiel to get a reasonably sized tree and had wrapped it up in multi-colored tinsels and popcorn necklaces and ornaments that'd taken hours to make and at the very top stood a white, semi titled star.

(Bobby had scowled when he'd first seen the room while she'd simply grinned and sucker punched his arm).

She's munching on the remains of her toast while trying to keep her hair out of her mouth when Sam hands over a small package. "Here, from me and Bobby."

She glances at the older hunter who's situated himself and his chair by the tree with a glare.

"I didn't do anything to it." Bobby reassures but she still shakes the box extra hard before slowly peeling off the wrappings.

The box opens to reveal a photo frame and when she holds it up to the light it's to see a yellowed and damaged picture of a small boy and blonde girl…

…she slowly puts the picture back into the box before looking up. "How did you…?"

Bobby actually smiles warmly. "It's called witchcraft, Caroline Leggeiri." She shakily returns the smile and grips Sam's hand tightly in hers. "This – this is just…" she allows herself to trail off as she gazes down to the long forgotten face of her little brother. Same smile, same bright grey eyes…same everything.

The girl in the picture has shorter hair and her clothes are questionable but…it's her, there's no mistaking it.

She doesn't bother to question it, already aware of all that witchcraft can create. (She makes a mental note to ask Bobby later what spell he'd used).

She sighs (holds down the tears) and sets the box aside before handing over one of the many boxes at her side. She passes the first one over to Sam, throws the other at Bobby and flicks Castiel and her 'boyfriend' theirs.

Sam rolls his eyes as he pulls out bright red sequins wraps from his. "Nice."

"Thank you." She grins. Bobby actually appears mildly speechless as he holds in his hands a brand new copy of the Kama Sutra. She grins in response. "What?" she asks innocently. "I happened to notice it's the only book missing from your library."

The eldest Winchester quietly chucks the lace panties back at her head. "Really? When I asked if I could have a pair I meant, oh I don't know, in private?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Her eyes switch over to her angel and the blank expression on his face causes her grin to widen considerably. "Do you like it?"

All eyes turn to where the angel's holding a pair of fluffy white miniature wings.

"Okay, now that's just cruel."

She ignores this and keeps her eyes on her angel.

When Castiel finally looks up there's a small smile gracing his lips. "Thank you."

She nods in return.

(During their time in Italy, Castiel had mentioned briefly that the thing he'd missed most from being cut off was being able to manifest his wings. While the angel could still perform the act it wasn't without draining what little Grace remained within him).

Castiel sets the box down and makes his way over to her, crouching down before her. He takes her hand in his slowly and presses it to his temple under his. "Read me."

She frowns at this and is about to ask what the hell he means when the memories hit.

(Light…love…home…family…brothers…

…he comes into the garrison after Lucifer's fall and while it's been centuries the pain's still evident and the angels are still weary and it's all still bright and new and he finds himself enjoying Anael because while she's strict she's also kind and unlike Uriel puts up with his questions and actually takes the time to explain when he doesn't understand…

…Heaven's light and warmth and happiness and when he's finally able to observe Earth and little grey fish and humans he marvels at how complex and demanding it all is and doesn't understand Uriel's distaste for humans but also can't see why Michael refuses to acknowledge them and while he's only heard small tidbits of what actually occurred a part of him feels that it has to do with Lucifer and his fall…

…the centuries pass and the time goes by considerably slow and while he knows that he's loved and cherished a part of him still craves the complexity that are humans and how they feel and how much they feel simply fascinates them and when he asks Anael about emotions all he gets is a sigh and that's never enough for him…

…when he's allowed to touch ground for the first time it's in the vessel of a blonde haired, blue eyed Novak that prayed for salvation and it's all bright and loud and new and…and…dark and brutal and hard and cold and when he returns it's with a new perspective and yet he still finds himself drawn to them because while humans are capable of great evil they're also capable of great love…

….he asks about his Father because although the others don't he's unique and feels this urge to know where he came from. Unfortunately it's not possible and he accepts this because he is loved and cherished and that's enough for him…

…then Anael falls and everything goes with her…

…he's suddenly head of their Garrison and while he's good he'll never be her and he finds himself craving her despite her betrayal and disgrace and he can't understand why her name's no longer spoken and why Uriel's gotten harder and tighter and he feels his curiosity die a bit…

…time goes by differently up at Home so when news of the Righteous Man they'd been waiting for hits he can't help but feel that's it's all rushed and there's no way he should be leading the attack because while he's good at what he does he's merely a foot soldier and nothing significant…

…he grips the Righteous Man tight and pulls him away from the poison and torture and infuses his Grace in the man and remakes his body and perfects it and wipes it clean of its marks because the soul he's gripping is beautiful and deserves a beautiful body…

…now that he's met the Righteous Man he's not so sure what he thinks because while he believes he can save them all he also knows the sins that mark his soul and they worry him at times and the younger brother's infested with demon blood and has his head filled with lies and the demon they keep around makes him weary because demons aren't supposed to care like it does and when he tries to look inside of it, all he can see is the tiny spark of what was once her humanity and it scares him – he shouldn't be allowed to feel scared – how pure that tiny spark is…

…he tries to not feel, he really, really tries but Dean's so frustrating and fascinating and Sam's endearing despite the blood that flows through his veins and Ruby's not like other demons and darn it, things had been so much simpler when it'd all been black and white and now Uriel and his superiors are questioning him and he cannot be feeling because that only leads to bad things and he cannot be feeling actual compassion towards Ruby because she's a demon and darn it, she makes him feel warm and actual human happiness and that cannot be happening…Anael…it makes sense now, he understands why she fell and why she ran and those are **dangerous** thoughts…

…and now he's being punished for feeling and it hurts and burns and he doesn't understand why he's being punished for helping and he can't understand why his brothers would do this to him when he's only trying to win this war in their favor – lie – and he doesn't even feel for the Winchesters and Ruby – lie – but he gives in eventually because it hurts and burns and if he falls he can't help them…

…but he goes back to the Winchesters and Ruby anyways because they make him feel safe and wanted…

…Ruby actually takes the time to talk to him unlike Dean and doesn't brush him off like Sam and that's dangerous too because she's a demon and she shouldn't be able to make him feel this because it's wrong and it should all be black and white and…and…why the heck not? He's already cut off, he might as well have company as he falls and he enjoys spending time with her despite seeing that it's causing a rift between her and Dean and…

…she helps him search for his Father and tries to comfort him and now they're his family and that hurts because he knows he's going to have to leave eventually and now he's become accustomed to them and likes spending time at Robert's and all his new human emotions are suffocating him and she helps and that's _not_ okay because he can't stay and he knows this but it's all too easy to fall into her warmth because he knows she needs him too and that just hurts more because she's Dean's and a demon and untouchable and darn it…)

She pulls away with a short gasp and a faint buzzing sound ringing through her ears. Castiel holds her gaze steadily and while she knows the angel means to come of as stoic and hard she can see the vulnerability and openness in them and all she can do is throw her arms around him and hold him tight because his pain is her pain and it's all clear now.

xxxxxx

Later once all the presents have been opened and the eggnog's been chugged is when he asks.

"Hey, what was that thing Cas did to you?"

She pauses and places the plates she'd been holding back into the dishwasher. "Nothing really, just returning a favor."

He hums underneath his breath and when he kisses her neck before exiting she has to fight the urge to squirm away from his touch.

xxxxxx

Bobby kicks them all out a few days after New Years with a "never come back". They roll their eyes and promise to bother again soon.

xxxxxx

(They have their first official date in a random diner in Portland.

It's raining and sticky and loud and carefree and they stuff their faces with fries and processed meat and at the end of it when he drops her off at her motel door with nothing more than a quick kiss is when she realizes it'd been the best date ever and that it should have always been that way).

xxxxxx

When the boys get a call for help at a mental hospital she stays behind. "Hospitals are not my thing." Is all she tells them.

"What do you have for me?" she asks Castiel.

The angel frowns at the question and does his traditional head tilt. She rolls her eyes and waves her hand around rapidly. "Where we searching?"

"Alaska."

She thins her lips and nods slowly. "Okay then, Alaska here we come. Zap away." She clutches his arm tightly and shuts her eyes as she feels the room shift away and her stomach drop.

xxxxxx

He ignores the Dr. Cartwright's questions about his relationship; if he wants to be nagged on his girlfriend he would have followed Sam to that group session.

When the doctor mentions abusive relationships he almost doesn't hold back the flinch in time.

xxxxxx

When they get trapped in the middle of a lake with nothing but a barely there canoe because his Grace is running low Castiel snaps.

She panics and tries to awkwardly comfort him as the angel babbles on about emotions and suffocation and Grace and his Father and her.

They're stuck there for the entire night and she falls asleep wrapped in his arms.

xxxxxx

(The next morning neither mentions what happened.)

xxxxxx

How _does_ he get up in the mornings?

These days, all he has left to live for is a distant brother, a bitter father figure, a demon girlfriend and an angel companion…

…only in the fucked up life of a Winchester would that all seem worth anything.

xxxxxx

Instead of continuing their search they take a small break and end up in a café, picking at napkins and avoiding glances.

"You can tell me things…you know that right? That's what friends do."

Castiel nods simply.

"Then tell me how to help you."

The angel frowns and tugs on the sleeves to his trench coat. "You are."

She rolls her eyes at this, "No, not with your God hunt with everything else."

Silence.

"I get it okay. I do. You let me into your mind and I know this is hard…I know you can't stay but can you try and meet me half way here. I'm trying to do some good."

Castiel's eyes lock on her at this. "You are good."

A bitter laugh escapes. "No. Thanks for saying it but no. I'm not good, I try but…no, I know what I am and I accepted that a long time ago."

xxxxxx

(She ignores the way her chest had tightened when Castiel had called her good).

xxxxxx

(Not crazy, no, no, he's not he's just tired and confused and has had too much to deal with lately but, _but,_ **but** it would explain a lot…demon hunting? Ghosts? Vampires? Wendigos? Who the hell actually believes in this stuff and it'd only been a matter of time before he snapped…his brother's a freak, his demon girlfriend no longer loves him, an archangel wants to use him as a condom, his parents are dead and gone…yeah, it's enough to make anyone crazy except he's not just anyone he's a Winchester and somehow that just makes it worse because Winchesters are cursed and - )

xxxxxx

Their second date's at a bar near Illinois and they spend it playing pool and drinking and whispering in each other's ears.

When he drops her off at her room the kiss is slow and loving and deep and everything it hadn't been for a while.

xxxxxx

(The dreams keep coming.

Every one has something different; a new death, a new ending…but they always serve the same purpose. To show Sam what will happen if he doesn't say yes.

Dean, Ruby, Bobby, Castiel…all the deaths over and over on replay with a backdrop of a burning world and tortured screams.

Lucifer taunts and maims and whispers broken promises into the air.

"_Say yes Samuel. It's the only way_."

Sam always almost does.)

xxxxxx

She makes Castiel drop her off at home before he goes off to India. She sends him off with a "good luck" and a "don't die please".

She spends the next few days helping Bobby read through volumes and volumes of mythology and lore and when she has time for a break she spends it tracing her fingertips over the artificial Christmas picture in her pocket.

xxxxxx

He doesn't comment on how jumpy Sam is.

He doesn't say anything when Sam can't figure out how to drive the Impala.

He doesn't questions the compliments that a week ago Sam would never have spoken.

He doesn't realize until it's too late that the guy he'd been hanging around and having a good time with wasn't his brother but a gangly teen.

xxxxxx

(He does not feel disappointment. He doesn't.)

xxxxxx

That chick's back…just great.

xxxxxx

(She bites down the urge to scream "I told you so" because it's the last thing her boys need and it wouldn't make her feel better…much).

xxxxxx

She decides to stay behind because she knows how weak Castiel gets from a simple trip around the world and time traveling with three is bigger than the angel can handle.

She leaves them be with a "don't die" and a "bring me back some food".

While him and Sam pack up their supplies she pulls her angel aside and hugs him tight, no longer feeling awkward for doing it.

"Keep each other safe." She whispers.

While Castiel goes off for more oil she pulls him aside and kisses him deeply and roughly, no longer afraid of where those type of kisses might lead.

"Come home to me." She breathes.

They leave and she's left alone, lying on his motel bed and staring up at brown ceilings.

xxxxxx

(He makes sure to lock and salt all the windows and doors before leaving Cas in the motel room; while he no longer worried as much about the angel and her as he used to he does know she'd freak if anything were to happen to _her_ angel).

xxxxxx

Sam gazes at their mother in awe because the younger Winchester never got to know her scent.

He gazes at their mother in fear because he knows when it's time to go, it'll break him.

xxxxxx

(She goes through their stuff while munching on stolen fries.

She reads through their father's journal twice and skims all of Sam's nerd books.

She does a few simple spells, just to get that rush of magic flowing through her veins.

_Ugh!_

Waiting's hard).

xxxxxx

He ignores Michael's words…words, just words. They mean nothing to him and it does _not_ hurt when he hears that it'll end the same because he'll be damned if he allows Sam to say yes and Cas to fall and her to die and the world to burn…

xxxxxx

She feels herself start to worry when her boys come back disorientated and angel-less.

Then her angel drops down in front of her and that worry turns to frantic panic.

xxxxxx

"_Team Free Will. One ex-blood junkie, one drop out with six bucks to his name, one demon who remembers too much and Mr. Comatose over there. It's awesome."_

She ignores his ramblings in favor of keeping her unconscious angel company. She knows she should be grabbing the bottle away from his hands but all she can think of at the moment is making sure she's there when Castiel wakes.

xxxxxx

(He ignores the way she stays loyally by Cas' side the entire night.

When he wakes the next day to find her curled around the angel he avoids Sam's gaze – Sam's pitying gaze – and instead locks himself in the bathroom until both are awake).

xxxxxx

(A murdering Cupid,that's a new one).

xxxxxx

She returns to the motel after buying lunch and covers her shock at seeing them all together. (While she loves all her boys equally, it's a rare day when Castiel hangs around the Winchesters without her as a reason).

She's informed that they assaulted a Cupid of all things and that they've gotten themselves a human soul and Castiel's got a thing for red meat now.

Oh and apparently Famine's in town.

xxxxxx

She starts to feel Famine's affects when he reaches for her and she unconsciously, almost as if out of reflex, pulls away. She brushes it off as 'not in the mood' and focuses her attentions on trying to get Castiel to stop eating and Sam to calm down…

…Castiel's hungry for meat...

…Sam's hungry for _Kristy's_ blood…

…he's hungry for nothing apparently and she…she is…she doesn't want to go there.

xxxxxx

(He tries to ignore the way she flinches from his touch…

…it wouldn't be the first time).

xxxxxx

It grows and after Sam's locked to the bathroom sink after an almost attack on her, she finds herself pressed against one of the walls and screaming at him and Castiel to stay away. To just stay away and give her room to breathe because with them around she can't breathe and all that she needs is space and she's hungry for breathing room and she needs them to go.

xxxxxx

The only comfort as they exit the motel room is the fact that Cas looks just as rejected as he feels.

xxxxxx

(Well fed, yeah that's it.)

xxxxxx

She wraps herself up in sheets and sheets with his scent and breaks apart her necklace because while she needs her space she also needs him and Castiel and it's all very confusing because she can't exist without them and she knows this so she doesn't understand why it hurts so much to be near them.

She ignores Sam's whimpers as best she can.

xxxxxx

The demons ignore her when they come for Sam.

She stays huddled up in her little corner filled with sheets and clothes and blades and feathers and she breaths in and out as she watches her brother run out the room with a blood tainted mouth.

xxxxxx

_("Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to your demon lover, lie to yourself, but not to me. I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just, keep going through the motions. You're not hungry, Dean, because inside, you're already dead."_

He ignores the words…just words…Alastair's words…Michael's words…Famine's words…all just words and words and lies and…

…who the hell is he kidding? He's been dead for a long while now).

xxxxxx

They return to the motel room to find her passed out and huddled in practically all his clothes and black feathers.

He stays put by the door with Sam while Castiel walks over, picks her up and lays her down on one of the beds.

xxxxxx

She stands by the panic room's door with Castiel and watches as he walks away from their words.

She resists the urge to go after him because while she loves him she also loves Sam and the younger Winchester needs her more.

xxxxxx

As he calls out to an unresponsive God all he can feel is dread and anger start to coarse through his veins.

xxxxxx

(He adds the second ring to his yarn necklace).

xxxxxx

When she gets out of bed and walks into the kitchen she can't say she's all that shocked to see Bobby's dead wife baking pies.

xxxxxx

She bails her boys out with a roll of the eyes and a flick of her hair.

xxxxxx

She stands by Bobby, even going as far as to put herself between the resurrected wife and her boyfriend.

(She ignores his betrayed gaze).

xxxxxx

She stays by the doorway when it's time for Bobby to kill his wife and after hands him a glass of scotch wordlessly.

xxxxxx

When all the zombies are dead and gone she asks Bobby what his wife had whispered to him.

She takes two extra shots when the older hunter tells her.

xxxxxx

She comes back one day from getting breakfast to find both of her boys dead.

xxxxxx

(No, _no_, **no**…this can't, this can_not_ be happening again…she can't lose him…can't lose both of them…no, everything was working out great and Sammy was coming back and they were a family, her, her boys and her angel and it was going to be them against the world and now - )

xxxxxx

Castiel finds her cradling both of their bodies with a pale face streaked with tired and cold tears.

xxxxxx

She only agrees to Castiel's plans if the angel promises to stay with her and keep the bodies company.

A hoarse "they'll get lonely" is all she gives him as means of explanation.

xxxxxx

(Heaven…dead…of course he is).

xxxxxx

While Castiel does the spell she bandages their wounds. Her angel had already explained that they'd be returned to their bodies and be good as new when they find Joshua but she can_not_ continue to hold their bloody bodies. Afterwards she sits down between both of them and clutches their heads in her lap, the occasional tear escaping her grasp.

xxxxxx

He ignores the stinging betrayal that shots though him at the thought of Sam's heaven being someone else's Thanksgiving.

xxxxxx

"_It's okay, Mom. Dad still loves you. I love you, too. I'll never leave you."_

He allows himself to be pulled away because he knows if he's allowed to stay he'll never leave.

xxxxxx

He recognizes the next Heaven immediately…the motel walls, the pale floors, the small bed and the body in it…

…it was the memory of the day they'd decided to start over.

It was after Cas and Sam had ditched them and locked them in.

They hadn't done anything; they'd just lied there and allowed the room to darken and held each others' hands and whispered in each other's ears.

Sam says nothing besides him, simply watches the scene unfold as well.

xxxxxx

(He ignores the tears clogging his throat when Ash reveals himself and he finds himself back in the Roadhouse).

xxxxxx

She ignores Castiel's gaze and concentrates on washing their bloody clothes.

The…the bodies had gotten too cold to hold and so she'd stripped them of their shirts to keep herself busy.

She brushes away absently at the stray tears still making their way down her face.

xxxxxx

He ignores Pamela's words…just more words…nothing else…

He doesn't consider it. He doesn't.

xxxxxx

When he returns it's with a greedy gasp of air that leaves him choking and reaching. He sees Cas first, on a chair across from him and that's when he notices the fact that Sam's besides him and that she's clutching them both. Hard. She's pressing kisses to their foreheads and cheeks and holding them tight to her chest and whispering "I love you" over and over into their skins.

xxxxxx

(She doesn't try to stop Castiel when he disappears.

She knows it hurts and she knows the angel's angry and disappointed and needs her but she can't seem to make herself leave Sam and his side).

xxxxxx

She presses her cheek against the back of his seat as he drives. She keeps both of her hands locked on their shoulders and she's glad neither try to push her off.

xxxxxx

When she goes home and turns on the lamp besides her bed Castiel's there and it suddenly doesn't matter that her boys are waiting for her downstairs with beer and ice cream because her angel needs her and she needs him too.

She crawls in besides Castiel, wraps her arms around him tightly and falls asleep playing with the sleeves of Jimmy's trench coat.

xxxxxx

He comes in an hour later to find his girlfriend and Cas pressed together in bed. He almost doesn't stop himself from slamming the door shut on his way out.

xxxxxx

(When she finds Roy and Walt three states over she locks all the doors and windows and switches off the lights.

"Hello boys, remember me?"

She makes sure to take her time).

xxxxxx

Though their God hunt is over (obviously) she makes her angel take her to Canada and as soon as they touch land she drags him over to a diner and demands he get her some bacon.

Castiel watches with curious eyes as she eats what looks very much like sliced ham but is apparently called…'bacon'…humans are weird.

xxxxxx

(In return for the bacon she gets him a pack of Kit-Kats and shows him the wonders of a freezer).

xxxxxx

He ignores the twinge of guilt that invades him as he watches the townspeople kill the demons.

While he knows they're the enemy, he can't help that lone thought that wonders if any of them remembered like she did.

xxxxxx

They spend the day hanging around in the most random of places and by midnight are hiding away in a ditch from a mob of angry barmen.

She glares at him through the dirt and spits out, "_Do not worry Ruby, we can handle it_." She sucker punches his arm as hard as she can without breaking it.

xxxxxx

_You have reached the voicemail box of:_

"_I don't understand why, why do you – Ruby I don't understand, why do I need this –"_

"_Dear God Castiel, it won't eat you just say your name."_

"_But I don't understand."_

_A sigh._

"_Just repeat after me."_

_Whispers._

"_You have reached Castiel, badass angel of the Lord and l will get back to you when I feel like it…like that?"_

"_Ugh, God, yes just close the damn phone already."_

_Beep._

Sam rolls his eyes and leaves his message.

xxxxxx

She allows Castiel one beer…then another…then a bottle or two…and then – oh hell, she lost control of the situation the moment they walked into the liquor store.

When the angel disappears after checking his phone with a simple "Sam" she sighs and stays put in a sea of empty bottles.

xxxxxx

He ignores the dig about Sam being an abomination because the angel's drunk and doesn't know what he's saying.

xxxxxx

(Really Dean? Really? Someone's been vacationing again).

xxxxxx

He ignores the guilt that eats away at him when he throws Castiel the aspirin. While he knows the angel can handle it a part of him can't help but remember a future where the angel hadn't been able to.

xxxxxx

(A true servant of God…well would you look at that).

xxxxxx

The three of them return to her two days later.

They find her in a motel in Kentucky nibbling absently on a half empty bag of fries. She looks up vaguely at them and sighs when she sees how drunk Castiel still is.

"Hand him over." She demands and grabs her angel from Sam. She lays him down on the bed gently and sighs as she touches his forehead and cheeks. "Castiel..."

She ignores their stares on her back as she takes off Jimmy's trench coat and gets him ready for bed.

xxxxxx

(Later that night when he's sure she's asleep he rolls over and tightens his arms around her, kissing her neck softly and slowly.

"I'm going to keep you safe. I promise. Whatever it takes…a yes…nothing matters. I'll keep you safe.")

xxxxxx

When they wake the next morning and he isn't there she doesn't even blink.

xxxxxx

They find him a few states over packing up his things and labeling boxes.

She leans back and watches as Sam and her angel handle it because all that weariness she'd been feeling a few months ago had just crashed back down.

xxxxxx

She stands guard by the library's exit as they try to talk him down.

xxxxxx

When Castiel returns to them with Adam's body…yeah, no words for that one.

xxxxxx

She ignores Adam's snap comments as she tries to keep an eye on her boyfriend because _someone's_ back to feeling trigger-happy.

xxxxxx

She struggles to push down her rage at the thought of him attacking Castiel…

…he's just desperate and angry and…a part of her can't help but wonder when he's going to turn on her.

xxxxxx

"_I rebelled for this? So that you could surrender to them? I gave everything for you. For your family. And this is what you give to me?"_

xxxxxx

She doesn't question it when Castiel returns with him bloody and bruised, simply takes him and lays him down to rest. While she can't do anything about Adam's disappearance she can take care of him.

xxxxxx

She agrees to stay behind. She knows she won't be any use, will probably just get killed along the way but she can't help but clutch Castiel and Sam tight into a hug before they go and hold him close to her chest and whisper into his ear: "Come home to me" yet again.

When he doesn't reply she doesn't ask again.

xxxxxx

He marks Cas' chest absently, the disappointment in the piercing blue eyes unsettling in so many ways.

xxxxxx

Sam watches through the blood in his throat and mouth as his brother kills Zachariah and remembers vividly yet again that only an **angel** can kill an angel and then questions what that means for his brother.

xxxxxx

She's in her room when he returns and she jumps on him right away. She hugs him and holds him and doesn't bother to question because she can tell it's just him in there.

When he mentions what happened to Castiel though she kicks him out and spends hours worrying over her angel.

xxxxxx

They leave for their next hunt without her because when she looks at him all she can see is Castiel being killed or left somewhere to die alone or being tortured by angels.

When he leans in to kiss her forehead (just slightly to the left of the middle) she flinches because Castiel always touches that spot when he's going to teleport them.

xxxxxx

He ignores Sam's pitying gaze as they drive off.

xxxxxx

She spends the night going over summoning spells and locator texts because she'll be damned if someone else dies on her.

Nothing works and she falls asleep with her cheek pressed against a book and a single fake black sleek feather pressed against her artificial Christmas picture.

xxxxxx

_("Ruby, should we really be doing this?"_

_She rolled her eyes from her position by the cheap necklaces, running her fingertips over them slowly. "It'll just take a minute, swear. Besides, God is not going anywhere."_

_The angel looked more dejected than before at that, going as far as glancing downwards. She turned around to face her angelic friend and sighs when she noticed his expression. "Come on, you need more clothes. Jimmy's clothes are bound to get dirty eventually."_

_Castiel frowned at her accusation. "Actually my remaining Grace allows me to – "_

"_Yeah, yeah, tell me over here." She pulled him over to where the feather necklaces were hung, eyeing them wearily._

"_Hey, what color are your wings?" She asked suddenly as she took in the multiple colors before them._

"_All. They don't reflect one shade alone but a multiple of ones at once."_

_She nodded slowly at this before pressing her lips into a thin line. "Well, what's the most prominent color?"_

_Castiel actually looked thoughtful at this before providing, "Um, black? I, I'm not completely sure."_

_She grinned in response and grabbed the darkest feathered necklace she could find. "Here. I want this one."_

_The smirk the angel gave her in response let her know she'd been forgiven for distracting him)._

xxxxxx

She shoots up gasping and clutching what remained of her feathered necklace in her hands.

xxxxxx

He focuses on stuffing his face with pie because it's the only thing that'll distract him from the betrayed gaze she's kept trained on him since her angel's disappearance.

Sam eats slowly across from him because although he won't say it, the younger Winchester's sick of the twisted love triangle that's become their lives.

But he also knows his little brother, if (when) it comes down to it, will pick her because despite it all, she's not even doing anything wrong.

xxxxxx

She thinks she's found her angel in Wyoming but when she gets there all she finds is disappointment and more pain.

xxxxxx

(Of course Gabriel decides to show up again _now_.)

xxxxxx

She returns home and when Bobby asks "did you find your angel" she bursts into reluctant tears.

xxxxxx

(_Being threatened with mutilation…wow it's good to have you back Gabriel_).

xxxxxx

She stops moping after her crying fest and goes out hunting. She ends up saving a dumbass couple from a poltergeist a few towns over and when she returns she plots herself down in Bobby's lap (ignoring his huffs and threats to throw her off) and nibbles on frozen Kit-Kats.

"Castiel likes them." Is all she says after the older hunter's stopped trying to push her off.

xxxxxx

She won't tell Bobby but the reason she sat on his lap was because despite how the hunter came off he was warm and accepting and reminded her of when everything used to be okay.

xxxxxx

He flinches as he watches Kali stab Gabriel because whether he's ready to admit it or not it reminds him of a certain other angel that he **might** be worried about.

xxxxxx

After she's done eating and hops off of Bobby's lap she spends twenty minutes cursing and shouting at both her boyfriend and Castiel.

xxxxxx

Sam keeps the DVD after they've finished watching it because a part of him knows she'll want to save it for Cas to see.

xxxxxx

When they return it's to find Bobby wheeling around their unconscious demon.

When the older hunter sees them he glowers and points to them and then back at the sleeping blonde, "Find the damn angel or next time, take her with you."

xxxxxx

She wakes up in his arms in the middle of the night and fights down tears because while she loves him beyond comprehension she also loves her angel and for a second after she'd awoken, she'd been sure it'd been trench coat covered arms holding her.

xxxxxx

She sends them off in the morning with a simple "get the fuck out and find the rest of the rings".

He grins all the way out. _She's back._

xxxxxx

Her scowl falls as soon as the Impala's out of sight and she turns back to Bobby, steals the bottle away from his hands, and downs half of it in a single sip.

xxxxxx

(Crowley…of course it's him).

xxxxxx

She's says nothing as Bobby yells at Sam over the phone.

She can hear her brother just fine from where she is and although she'd never say it aloud she agrees with Sam and that scares her.

xxxxxx

He ignores the anger at Crowley's betrayal because it wasn't an _actual_ betrayal…especially seeing as he'd expected it.

xxxxxx

When Sam enters the room he finds he can't breathe.

_(Brady…why wouldn't it be him? Life likes to torture me and it always finds a way to bite me in the ass or knock me down or kick my balls so why wouldn't it do this?)_

xxxxxx

When Sam slides his sister's knife into Brady's stomach he has to resist the urge to stab the demon again and again because he can feel his old rage starting up again and he knows if he gives in he might not want to stop.

xxxxxx

"_You make a wish. I can give you anything you want, mate – up to and including Death's coordinates. All I need is…"_

"_My soul."_

In the end Bobby says yes because although he won't say it he's tired too and can't wait for the war to be over.

xxxxxx

(She rolls over in her bed, ignoring the demonic pull coming from downstairs).

xxxxxx

When he comes back to her it's after she's woken up for the third time and is busy glaring up at her ceiling, as if it's providing her mind the lucidity it needed to keep her up.

She rolls onto her side and glances over at him reluctantly. "I don't want to fight you anymore." She whispers into the air and before she knows it he's across the room and in her bed, trailing kisses across her skin and neck.

She allows him this because while she can't return them she needs his touch for just a bit.

When he reaches for her shirt though she freezes because his hands on her bare skin bring forth images of sleek wings, dying angels, ten year old boys and pretty women and she can't…she just can't.

He pulls away and when her eyes met his is when it hits her that she'd spoken all of that out loud.

His eyes hold no anger though and he simply kisses her neck once more before rolling off of her and falling asleep.

xxxxxx

When Castiel calls she snaps to attention.

She's leaning against Bobby's desk, fingering her feather and picture distractedly, listening to her boys go back and forth. She's about to intervene (something that involves smacks upside the head and cruel comments) when his phone goes off.

"Hello?"

"_Dean?"_

She shoots up, "Is that…?" The question dies on her lips as she feels relief wash over her again and again. (_Castiel's alive…he's alive and okay and safe and oh God, is it supposed to feel this way?_)

"Cas?" he demands, ignoring her completely. "Is he okay?" Sam asks from where he's sitting, glad for anything that'll distract the attention from him.

"We all thought you were – _ow_!" He pulls his throbbing foot away to see her glaring at him heavily, arms crossed tightly over chest.

"Where is he?" she snarls, onyx eyes hard.

He rolls his eyes at this but turns back to the phone and asks anyways, "Ruby wants to know where the hell you've been."

Pause.

"_Ruby's there?"_

"Yes." She snaps, knowing the angel can hear her just fine.

"…_I can't tell her."_

Before anyone can say anything she has the phone in her hands and is moving towards the kitchen.

"What the hell do you mean you can't tell me?"

Silence.

"_I…I don't want you to worry."_

"Tell me where you are and I won't worry." (Lie)

"…_A hospital."_

She pulls the phone away from her ear and reminds herself to take in deep breaths. "Are you hurt in any way?" she asks as patiently as she can. (_Patience…breathe…he's safe and fine, safe and fine_).

"_No. I'm fine…though the doctor's thought I was brain-dead when I first arrived."_

"Doesn't make me feel better."

"…_Sorry…"_

"Look, can you head back here? Do you have enough juice? We have a plan…sort of…"

"_I can't…you could say…my, my batteries are drained."_

Her stomach drops. "Anything else wrong?"

A snort. _"I am thirsty and my head aches; I have a bug bite that itches no matter how much I scratch it and – "_

"Human. You're trying to tell me you might be human." She asks quietly, the guilt hitting her washing away any remains of relief she'd had.

Silence.

She takes in a deep breath and sighs, glancing back to where her boys and Bobby are pretending to talk and not listen in on her. "I'll be there soon. Just tell me where you are, any details at all."

"…_Delacroix…"_

"Louisiana?" she gasps out. When her angel doesn't reply she takes this as a confirmation. "I'll be there." She gets ready to hang up when Castiel's voice stops her.

"_Ruby…can you, can you tell Dean that I apologize…that he isn't the burnt and broken shell of a man I believed him to be."_

She freezes and in a matter of seconds is biting down a smile. "Yeah, I'll be sure to let him know."

xxxxxx

(She knows she's grinning stupidly when she hands him back his phone but she can't care less; her angel is found and will be home soon next to her and all will be okay).

xxxxxx

She hugs Sam and kisses her boyfriend for the first time in weeks when they go off to find Pestilence.

She tells him the traditional: "Come home to me" and this time he responds with a kiss she returns greedily.

xxxxxx

She finds a teleporting spell that'll drop her off at the state line of Louisiana and after bothering Bobby for money is on her way.

xxxxxx

She finds him two hours later arguing with a nurse about the lack of frozen Kit-Kats (the _only_ thing he'll eat). She stands by the doorway and plasters on a small smirk as she watches her angel ramble on about how 'inadequate' hospital food is and that chocolate is a much better option.

When Castiel's eyes fall on her, they widen considerably and his lips wire shut. The nurse follows his gaze and when her eyes land on the blonde they gleam with mistrust.

"Ruby."

She enters the room slowly and makes her way over to her angel's bedside. Her smile falls as soon as she reaches his side. The first thing she does? Sucker punch his shoulder.

The nurse huffs and gets ready to tell her off when she notices the smile her patient's wearing. She rolls her eyes at the display. "I'll leave you two alone." She mutters, alreasy halfway out the room.

They both ignore her as the blonde demon collapses into the bed besides her blue-eyed angel.

Her eyes lock on his as she presses her fisted hand against his. She can feel it in the air; her angel's going to leave her soon and there ain't a damn thing she can do about it.

_I missed you._ Her eyes scream.

_I know._ His shouts back.

The silence pans out, the only noise being the occasional beep from the machines surrounding them. She's about to ask if the angel's ready to leave when he suddenly gets a thoughtful look on his face, cutting off her words.

Castiel's gaze intensifies and she's reminded of the way he used to look at her back when they'd been wary of each other, when the angel had first tried reading what remained of her soul. The seconds tick by and before she knows it Castiel's pressing a hand to her collarbone and he's pressing down hard.

"Trust me." The angel breathes and then the pain hits.

Hot, burning flames lick away at her chest and then sooth away to a light and blissful twinge only to shift to an itching, bitter sensation. The flames die down as the blissfulness spreads and grabs hold of the bitter, overwhelming her in it all. She lets out a gasp as the feeling increase and the pressure in her chest tightens away to absolutely nothing, the air thinning as well. She curls her fingers into his hospital gown as her vision fades and her lucidity slips away.

She allows her eyes to close and herself to relax. They can save the world later.

xxxxxx

(She awakes to find Castiel gazing at her wordlessly, dressed – trench coat as rumpled as ever – and clutching a melting Kit-Kat.

"Let's go save your boys.")

xxxxxx

They get there just in time to stop her boys from dying sticky, bloody deaths.

Castiel cuts off the ring while she, lucky her, takes the full extent of Pestilence's power. She collapses to the floor, clutching at her stomach and coughing up blood. She can feel her stomach twisting and turning but before it can spread a sudden warmth began to flood through her and pushed back the illness.

When she looks up it's to hear the Horseman's last words: _"It doesn't matter. It's too late."_

xxxxxx

(She ignores the urge to question Castiel, not really wanting to know what it is he'd done.)

xxxxxx

Her lips twitch slightly at Castiel's comment.

_I don't understand his definition either Castiel._

She's about to question how Bobby gathered all this when her boys beat her to it and it's revealed that their dear old pal is short a soul.

xxxxxx

She keeps her gaze away from Crowley, hoping the demon will ignore her.

While the Scottish man talks to her boys though his eyes catch hers and she knows he remembers.

xxxxxx

("I remember you just fine sweetheart." Crowley whispers, reassures, while she loads the truck).

xxxxxx

She almost forgets when Bobby stands from his chair and _walks_. Just gets up and his legs move, _work_.

But then she meets Crowley's eyes and it all rushes back.

xxxxxx

She sends him off with a whispered "Come home to me" and a soft kiss that he just barely returns. When his arm presses against hers, the warmth in her chest switches to bitter and tightens its hold on her.

xxxxxx

She rolls her eyes at Castiel's comment.

_Someone obviously has a new thing for guns._

xxxxxx

He bites downs the urge to growl, the image of killing Crowley once it's all over and Bobby's got his soul back the only thing keeping him from pulling out _anything_ and impaling the demon.

xxxxxx

He says yes to Death and while his lips mouth with agreement and his mind pulses with denial, his heart tightens and he's not exactly sure what that means.

xxxxxx

(_"What exactly are you afraid of? Losing? Or losing your brother?"_

Oh Bobby…we all know the answer to that one).

xxxxxx

She doesn't ask how he knows it's Detroit but the haunted look in his eyes lets her know it's not something he'll be sharing any time soon.

xxxxxx

"_So then what am I supposed to do?"_

"_You take Ruby and you get out. You hear me? You get out. Buy a house, have pretty little demon babies and find some way to get her to actually agree to marry your ass. Take care of her, love her, keep her happy and safe and hope she puts up with you for the rest of your lives. Go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me."_

The eldest Winchester glances in the rearview mirror to find both angel and demon asleep, pressed against each other happily.

His grip tightens on the steering wheel.

xxxxxx

She hugs her brother tight to her chest and takes in deep, deep breaths of his musky, clean scent. (If she inhales deep enough she's hoping it'll become engraved into her memory). She pulls away only to start tracing her hands over his face, tracing every detail and every small almost unnoticeable scar. She presses a single kiss to Sam's forehead before releasing him with a watery smile.

"Come back to us."

The youngest Winchester offers no words, just a simple small smile (a smile that'd broken her on a number of occasions before) as he makes his way over to the trunk of the Impala.

xxxxxx

She leans against her angel and her tired hunter as she watches her boys walk off to face the devil.

xxxxxx

He feels his heart being ripped from his chest as Lucifer stands before him yet again wearing his brother.

xxxxxx

She lets him go alone because she knows he needs to go alone.

After he's gone she turns to Castiel and the angel's already pocketing random car keys because he understands she needs to be there too.

xxxxxx

So, this is how it ends?

Him standing between Michael and Sa – Lucifer, Castiel besides her powerless and Bobby watching with her as it all goes down.

Before she knows it Castiel's trying to be heroic and all it gets them is Bobby's neck snapped and Castiel blown to bits.

Before Lucifer can turn his attention over to her though she's on the ground clutching at her collarbone as waves of burning pain hit her again and again. She's gasping for air and she can vaguely hear the only one she has left yelling and asking what's wrong but she's sure if she tries to speak all that'll come out is blood.

Lucifer makes his way over to her slowly and when he's before her he's smirking and sighing (Sammy's smirk…Sammy's sigh) deeply. "Well, this is an interesting turn of events."

She ignores this as tears start to stream down her face and the pain increases (is that even possible?).

The last thing she sees is Lucifer raising his hand (Sammy's hand) and then nothing.

xxxxxx

He lets Lucifer beat at him and bruise him because they're all dead and there's nothing left to live for anymore…

…but then Sammy's back and smiling and jumping and he's just lost everything all over again.

xxxxxx

But he _hasn't_ lost it all…

…Cas is back and healing Bobby and resurrecting her and unmarking his bloody, tear streaked face…

…Cas is back and making it all better except, _except, _**except** the angel can't because Sammy's gone and _not coming back._

xxxxxx

He lets the angel disappear without a word because despite the fact that she's asleep in the back seat with a blotchy and tear streaked face he's selfish and the pain's still too fresh and if he slows down he **will break**.

xxxxxx

After they get to a motel and he collapses on top of the bed she leaves and shuts the door behind her before bursting into tears.

xxxxxx

Castiel finds her lying on the floor of the motel's lobby with a serene expression on her face.

She can't bring herself to smile when she sees him despite how desperately she wants to. "I didn't think you would hear me." She speaks and when she does her voice is rough and scratchy. The angel sits down besides her and sighs into the night.

Silence.

"Sammy jumped."

Nod.

"He died for us."

Nod.

"Sammy's gone." Her face crumbles at this and she resists the urge to turn and hug the angel close because she knows he's here for goodbye.

"You're leaving." It's not an accusation, merely a statement.

Castiel nods. "Heaven needs order."

She smirks at the simple statement. "You'll be a great boss. Just…just don't be a stranger, okay? Even if it's small things…let me know you're alive somehow. A sign, I don't know."

The angel, instead of answering, presses a single kiss to her forehead (just slightly to the left of the middle) and sighs into her hair.

"You'll know. My…my Grace is inside of you. What remained of it anyways. I wasn't sure it would work, at first…it'd never been done before with a demon but I knew your soul could handle it."

She takes his hand and presses it down onto her collarbone, relishing in the heightened flames and bliss and bitterness filling her. "Go kick some angel ass." She says because if she allows herself to say anything else she'll end up begging him to stay and she knows he will. He'll stay if she asks.

The angel peels off his trench coat instead of answering again and hands it over simply. She clutches it in her hands and curls it into her lap. He smiles sadly at her as he stands and walks a few feet away before turning back to her and frowning. "My name… you always called me Castiel…never Cas…why is that?"

She manages a small smile this time, "Because. You were never my angel. Not really. You never belonged to me."

Castiel nods, as if this is enough for him.

It's enough for her.

He turns and before she can take another breath he's gone and she's left alone clutching a dead man's coat.

xxxxxx

Somewhere off in the distance Chuck is smiling lightly to himself, saving his document and vanishing into thin air.


	4. Interlude

**A/N: Okay, instead of this being season 6, this chapter is the year between seasons 5 & 6 that we missed on the show. So basically it's just following around our favorite demon and hunter as they try and find a way to work without their Sammy.**

**Again this is focused on Ruby more than anyone else because she's just so awesome ^_^ And yep, while this is 100% Duby, there are **_**billboard**_** sized hints at Rubiel.**

**Oh and there's domestic abuse here, physical and verbal so, yeah…**

**This entire chapter was written to Howie Day's "40 Hours", "Dream a Little Dream of Me" by Mama Cass, and "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars so ALL blame for this depressing little thing goes to those songs ^_^**

**Disclaimer: I think we've been through this enough times already, don't you? I own nothing, just season 3 on DVD, Jim's memoir and a bunch of hopes and dreams for the show that'll never be made a reality : (**

**xxxxxx**

She sleeps in until noon for the first week.

She stays in bed and listens to Bobby's quiet footsteps as he approaches the door, thinks better of it and then walks away. She stays in bed and counts all the cracks and marks on the ceiling above her and compares them to other places she'd stayed in. She stays in bed and wonders where her boyfriend had gone off to and if he's still alive. She stays in bed and misses her – no, not her angel and tries to imagine how everything is going up in Heaven. She stays in bed and remembers her brother, both of her brothers and how much she loved them. She stays in bed and cries.

xxxxxx

She manages to get herself out of bed on the tenth day and when she gets down to the first floor it's to see Bobby stirring coffee and absently nibbling on a small stack of pancakes.

She takes her seat across from him before turning her attention over to the empty seat beside hers. She ignores the older hunter's gaze as she keeps her eyes locked on the seat, as if her brother would just magically appear out of nowhere and make everything okay.

When Bobby sets a plate of waffles and bacon before her (what Sammy used to eat) she finds she can't bring forth the tears so desperate to escape.

All this does is confuse her.

xxxxxx

He won't exit what'd become his bedroom.

Her and Bobby rotate who goes and brings him food but after a while they stop when they notice every morning the fridge is short a few beers and slices of bread.

Before she goes to bed every night she stops by his door and leans against it tiredly, whispering soft reassurances through the hard wood.

She ends every night with a simple "come home to me".

xxxxxx

He'd been waiting for the pain to hit…anger, numbness, grief…anything. Nothing came though. He sat around and ate when he remembered and when he looked up to see a figure in the shadows that somehow managed to remind him of Sammy he didn't even feel a twinge of sadness.

He thinks he's broken.

xxxxxx

Since he's too busy shutting her off she helps Bobby research and tries to remember how to take care of herself.

xxxxxx

He emerges from the bedroom with a happy grin on and an excited "good morning".

She chokes on her coffee and Bobby actually drops his mug.

xxxxxx

"The damn idjit's lost it."

"…"

xxxxxx

She resists the urge to throttle him.

His emotions are giving her whiplash and if she didn't know any better (she did, oh trust her, she did) she would have sworn he was his period. One minute he was happy, the next he was all somber and tired and the next he was drinking and ranting and shouting out accusations to angels and God and her…

…one night it goes too far and while he's transitioning from somber to mad he lands a blow that knocks her down and actually leaves her dizzy and with a cut lip.

(She didn't fight back; _so tired…so,__** so**__ tired_).

xxxxxx

When morning hits and he doesn't remember a thing (he never did) she tells him she'd fallen and he's far gone enough to believe her.

xxxxxx

("Let's stop hunting…for a while."

"Okay.")

xxxxxx

When Bobby notices the cut she shakes her head and goes back into her room.

(She remembers the days where she'd been badass and hard and Sammy's keeper and his lover and Bobby's reluctant house mate and an angel's best friend…when did things…?)

xxxxxx

She packs away Jo's knife besides hers at the bottom of her dresser without so much as a wink.

xxxxxx

With hunting out of the picture she packs away her weapons, stores away the leather pants and buys actual jeans, even a skirt or two (he'd ripped the last one).

When she comes home the first thing Bobby does is offer her a bottle of whiskey. She downs it all where she stands.

xxxxxx

He doesn't comment on her wardrobe and she doesn't comment when he starts to wear jeans without holes and shirts that don't look like they've seen the inside of a grave.

xxxxxx

"If I see him grin at me one more time so help that boy…"

"He's hurting…it's stupid and Dean but…he's doing something."

xxxxxx

She sits in the Impala the nights she can't sleep and when she leans back into the passenger seat, desperate to inhale whatever remained of Sammy's warmth and scent she can't find it in herself to cry. No tears, no sadness no pain…

She's broken.

xxxxxx

She starts her mornings looking at newspapers and when she finally finds a house close enough to home she shows it to Bobby and her tired hunter's sad smile is all she receives.

xxxxxx

She hands in the deposit while he's off being happy somewhere only God knows where.

When he finds out she's found them a permanent place to stay he smirks into the air and nods.

xxxxxx

It's a small two-story house with chipping white paint and cerulean blue shutters and a small porch.

Bobby helps them move in what stuff she has over at his place and gives them a bright green lamp as a house warming gift. She smiles softly and hugs him.

xxxxxx

They keep the guest room empty.

xxxxxx

("Let's get married…make it official."

"Okay.")

xxxxxx

Bobby rolls his eyes and gets a license online.

xxxxxx

It's a small ceremony that only Bobby attends – obviously, the hunter's the one marrying them – and she spends most of it with her eyes locked on the spots where Sammy, Jo, Ellen and Castiel should all be sitting, maybe even Pamela.

He grins the entire time and is whole and warm and happy but when she locks eyes with him all she can see is empty and hard and closed.

When it's over they spend the night staring up into their bedroom ceiling and sighing. (She's staring and sighing, he's sleeping in a tux and tie).

xxxxxx

When the water stops working and the lights won't go on she goes into town and finds herself a job.

xxxxxx

She finishes the furniture shopping by the end of the first month and when it's all complete and perfect she stands in the living room, taking in the view of the window and the fireplace and that's when the numbness hits her because Sammy should have been the one doing the shopping with her and when she'd spent an hour trying to decide which drapes to get Sammy would have known right away.

xxxxxx

She no longer minds his mood swings or the drunken rants or the numbness.

xxxxxx

She gets her first sign when she wakes one morning to find a pile of Kit-Kats in the freezer.

She has frozen chocolate for dinner that entire week and ignores his gaze as he munches absently on his burger and chatters on about anything and nothing.

xxxxxx

(At night she stays up and glares at her ring finger).

xxxxxx

She finds Sammy's jacket in the back of the closet one day and keeps it on for an entire three hours, relishing in the musky, clean scent.

xxxxxx

(When he notices the jacket smells different he stands in place for an hour and tries to find the tears that can never seem to make their way out of his eyes.

He slaps back on his grin and makes his way downstairs, hoping she can't see the sanity slipping through his clumsy hands).

xxxxxx

She visits Bobby on the weekends when he won't get out of bed and refuses to talk. She spends her time leaning her head against a stack of books as she watches her older hunter research and provide what help he can to fellow hunters.

She goes back to their house as late as she can and slips into bed quietly.

xxxxxx

"How's he doing?"

"Same. Always the same."

xxxxxx

When he can't seem to paste a smile on and get himself out of bed some mornings he spends them staring at his ring finger and trying to swallow past the lump in his throat.

He waits until she's gone to sit out by the porch, watch the sun go down and remember the times he and Sammy would star watch.

Not much left to watch these days.

(All faded…all blurred…)

xxxxxx

(She doesn't mention work because she knows he'll notice it eventually).

xxxxxx

He gets a job at a garage when he starts to notice she's working three jobs and coming home smelling of beer and chips.

xxxxxx

Since he won't, she does.

She drives the Impala into the garage and covers it up slowly.

She stands in place for ten minutes waiting for the tears that refuse to show themselves.

xxxxxx

He smiles through his job.

Smile, laugh, joke, tease, smirk.

He's beginning to think it might get a bit easier.

But then he allows his wall to crash down and memories hit and he see tall and green and snarky and compassionate and blood and the mood swings return.

xxxxxx

She gets her second sign when she's washing the dishes and staring down blankly into the soapy water.

She feels her pocket move so she dries her hands and reaches in to find her feathered necklace as good as new and back to full feather capacity.

He says nothing when he notices the new piece of jewelry hanging from her neck. He ignores the fact that it's feathers that resemble those she'd buried herself in while under Famine's influence.

xxxxxx

(That night she goes to sleep with one hand pressed against her collarbone and the other covering the handprint over his left forearm).

xxxxxx

He paints the house a new coat of white and when he's done she kisses his cheek and asks if he wants to visit Bobby.

She goes alone.

xxxxxx

"Same?"

"Still."

xxxxxx

Two months into their new lives the numbness disappears.

She wakes to a tear streaked face and clogged throat and as she leans over the side of the bed and sobs her heart out for all that she's worth she feels him turn his back to her and go back to sleep.

xxxxxx

She's not confused anymore…

…Sammy had been…well he'd been Sammy. Everything. He'd been the glue and the hope and the childlike wonder and the happiness and she wasn't sure how she'd survived this long without losing it.

xxxxxx

(When he goes off to work that day she spends the time crying and finally taking out Sammy's stuff from out of the Impala. She keeps them in her side of the closet and walks around that day in one of Sammy's white wife beaters).

xxxxxx

He doesn't ask why the closet's so cramped.

xxxxxx

"You?"

"…Better…I'm, I'm doing better."

xxxxxx

He's confused…well, more mad than confused but confused all the same.

He doesn't understand why she smiles now. (Only _he's_ allowed to be okay…to pretend to be okay). Why she smiles and walks normally and tells him good morning and kisses him on the cheek. (Only _he's_ allowed to smile and walk and kiss).

He doesn't understand how she's okay with it all because he feels like he can't breathe anymore and the only thing that keeps him whole is his promise.

xxxxxx

("Let's have a baby…it'll be fun."

"…Okay.")

xxxxxx

She tells Bobby and all she gets in return is a roll of the eyes and a "good luck with that".

xxxxxx

She takes a pregnancy test a while later and when it's negative it is **not** relief that goes through her…it isn't.

xxxxxx

She gets her first visit the end of the third month into their new lives.

She's glaring at a stubborn knife as she scrubs at it harshly. She'd been at it for a whole ten minutes when she hears the familiar (oh so painfully familiar) flutter of wings behind her.

She drops the knife and spins around quickly, stopping dead in her tracks when blue met blue.

The flames and bliss and bitterness increase and fill her to her very core, drowning out any other emotion she might have been feeling.

"Castiel."

"Ruby."

xxxxxx

He comes upstairs when he gets back to their place that night to find her frowning at the empty guest room.

"What?" He asks, coming to stand besides her. She was leaning against the doorway and staring into the room blankly.

She shakes her head once and walks away from his touch.

xxxxxx

"He's been visiting, hasn't he? That angel of yours?"

"Yeah."

"Does Dean know?"

"…No."

xxxxxx

(She bites down the tears when she notices there are no waffles anywhere in their house and that bacon's only eaten on Thursdays).

xxxxxx

She goes to see him at work one Wednesday afternoon. She stands by and ignores the leering eyes on her as she focuses her attentions on his backside. He's underneath the hood of a beat up BMW and from the looks of it won't be turning around to face her anytime soon.

She's fine with that, simply redirecting her attentions over to his work spot and takes in the pictures. There aren't many, just a few scattered ones. She recognizes one of her and Bobby that'd been taken during that one Christmas (she'd beaten him at King and had been gloating) and another of her, Sammy and Castiel trying to figure out how to get the star onto the tree without making it crooked (it hadn't worked). She notices one of Ellen and Jo at what she knows was the Roadhouse and one of her and him together during their second date.

She swirls around and is gone by the time he looks up from the car's engine.

xxxxxx

It hits her after Castiel's second visit that she hadn't seen him cry once.

Smile, laugh, snarl, shout, smirk…Not. One. Tear.

xxxxxx

She starts to buy waffles. Lots of waffles. She makes them for breakfast and lunch and even waves them at him as a dinner option.

He glares and huffs and orders take out.

xxxxxx

(She can't ignore the fact that while she'd been choking down tears he'd been perfectly fine).

xxxxxx

"Not once? At all?"

"No."

"Idjit."

xxxxxx

In the middle of their fourth month he goes to see her at one of the bars she works at and when he leaves her coworker, Amy smirks and bumps her shoulder.

"He's a looker. Good for you."

"Yeah…good for me."

xxxxxx

She knows Castiel is hiding something. She can feel it deep in the pit of her stomach but she won't say anything; she knows the second she does he'll disappear and never return…or worse the angel will ask for her help and she'll be drawn right back in because she never could say no to those eyes.

xxxxxx

She realizes she's making progress when she gets out of bed one morning and doesn't feel the need to choke down sobs.

xxxxxx

"It's getting better?"

"It doesn't hurt as much anymore. You?"

"…I don't feel like crying anymore. If that's what you mean."

xxxxxx

**It** happens at the start of the fifth month.

Castiel's sitting down across the kitchen table and recounting what his day had consisted of. Mainly war plans and meetings. (When she'd heard about the angel civil war all she'd done was throw her head back and laugh. "Of course they have to start that now.")

She's getting more coffee when the angel speaks behind her.

"Ruby…I've been meaning to ask…the changes in mood that Dean shows are…"

She stops and doesn't turn around. "They're nothing."

"…How can you stay with him when he…hurts you in such a way? The words he yells at you…the way he acts…"

Silence.

"The trauma of Sam's death…why can't I try to heal his pain away? Yours?"

"_Because if you do then it's real. It's real and means Sammy's not coming back and that we have to move on."_ Is what she'll never say. "I don't need healing. He doesn't need healing. And he does **not** have PTSD so shut your freaking angel trap."

"Ruby – "

"No! Just…stay there okay. Don't touch me."

The angel goes silent behind her for a moment.

"Ruby…I think I…"

She freezes.

She turns back around to face him and when she does it's to see his eyes trained on hers and filled with so much hope and emotion that she has to hold down the urge to run away.

"No. Just, just no." She breathes shakily, running her fingers through her hair a few times quickly.

The angel frowns and tries to make his way over to her. "Ruby."

"No. Stop. Just…" She lets out a harsh sigh and looks away from his gaze. She focuses on the wooden floor. She'd known this day would come; the day that Castiel said something to break the illusion that they were just friends and wanted nothing more. She'd brushed off her husband's comments because she knew she wouldn't cheat but…

…when she looked back up it was with onyx eyes.

The angel didn't flinch.

"I love Dean. Okay? I love him and I can't have you here with your – your too blue eyes and sexy dark suit and words, and…"

"He abuses you! Maybe not physically but it scars you. I can see it."

_She_ flinches and takes a few steps back. "I love him." Is all she can offer.

Silence.

"I love you too, I do, but _not_ like that and I…"

The angel doesn't comment but she notices through her tears the pain starting to form in his eyes.

"I just need you to please, just please look me in the eyes, my true eyes and tell me that it's all in my head and that you don't..._feel _for me like that and that I'm insane for even assuming this."

Castiel says nothing at this outburst except a whispered "I can't" and somehow that's all she needs. Her eyes revert back to their usual blue and before he can blink she's across the room and her fingers are curled into his sleeves and her mouth is crushed against his.

It's tense and awkward but after a few seconds she feels him kiss her back tentatively. She takes in the feelings coursing through her and the flames filling her chest and…

…she doesn't feel it.

The love.

She doesn't feel the love she feels when she kisses her husband. Every kiss they share, no matter how weak or chaste or angry or violent holds so much love it scares her sometimes.

This, now…all she can feel is desperation and shame and lust and that's ultimately what has her shoving him away.

They both stand there gasping and taking unnecessary breaths and looking everywhere but at each other.

"…You need to leave. Now." She whispers, touching her swollen lips lightly.

"Please – "

"Cas."

The angel flinches but doesn't leave. He holds her gaze and as she takes in his rumpled suit and tie all she can feel is shame fill her because while she hadn't been leading him on she sure as hell hadn't been pushing him away.

"I…love you."

She holds down a sob. "You don't know the feeling." She whispers harshly and as soon as she does she wishes she could take it back. She makes a move forward but it's too late.

The angel's disappeared.

xxxxxx

(He kisses her softly on the cheek that night and she almost doesn't hold down her flinch in time).

xxxxxx

The signs stop coming.

She stops eating chocolate, puts away her necklace and stores the trench coat into the very back of the closet.

xxxxxx

"I did something. Something bad."

"How bad?"

"…"

xxxxxx

His first tear falls on the seventh month Sammy's been gone.

He's sipping on a beer, busy not feeling when the tear slips away and falls down his cheek softly. It takes him a minute to recognize it for what it is and even then he spends the rest of the day denying it had happened.

xxxxxx

(That night instead of angry and drunk he's quiet and somber).

xxxxxx

She finds herself flinching when he's around and while she's busy crying silently over Sammy she manages to find time to cry for all that they'd managed to build and lose in the blink of an eye.

xxxxxx

"Bobby?"

"Yeah?"

"…I'm pregnant."

xxxxxx

She doesn't tell him. She makes sure to eat right and avoids letting him see her exit the bathroom at night. When his rants start at night she suddenly feels the need to fight back, to shout equally bruising words but doesn't because he's him and he'll figure it out and he's always wanted a family and he just needs some more time.

xxxxxx

She goes to the doctor and learns she's only about two months along.

She gives Bobby the ultrasound picture because she can't bear to see it around the house.

xxxxxx

(This is what she wanted. She wanted a _Ben_ to their family…she wanted this…she did).

xxxxxx

If he notices the change of diet and _her_ mood swings he doesn't comment.

xxxxxx

(He notices but with the sanity slipping he can't find it in himself to care).

xxxxxx

His mood swings slow down so instead of angry he's confused and more drunk than anything else.

She holds him down and kisses his hair and whispers empty reassurances into his ear.

xxxxxx

"Does he – "

"No…I'm waiting for the right time."

xxxxxx

Amy squeals and she feels her heart clench because while the human's great and all, Sammy would have hugged her and taken care of her and made sure his brother never so much as looked at her wrong.

xxxxxx

His second tear falls the morning he wakes up, goes over to the closet to pick out something and notices all the boxes on her side. He stands before them silently and then his eye catches a familiar duffle bag and he's out of the room before the tear is even done falling.

xxxxxx

One afternoon after work she goes over to him, wraps her arms around his back and leans her head into his shoulder.

"I'm pregnant. With a baby. Yours."

He turns slowly and holds her gaze, eyes just as empty, hard and closed as the day of their wedding.

He gives her a small smile (empty, so, so empty) and kisses her on the corner of her lips (love, so much she could drown).

xxxxxx

(She can't remember the last time she told him she loved him and she can't remember the last time he'd tried to).

xxxxxx

"What did he say?"

"Nothing…he didn't say anything."

xxxxxx

He goes with her to her next ultrasound appointment and when she's wiping away tears at the sight of her baby, he's busy staring at the screen and keeping his slippery sanity in place.

xxxxxx

It all comes to a halt the night of one of his rants.

He's lying on the living room floor, bottle laid out besides him and sanity long gone when she comes in and sees him.

"Hey…what's wrong with you?" He asks suddenly, eyes planted firmly on their ceiling. She goes to stand by their fireplace with a sigh. "Why don't you tell me, Dean?" She gets prepared for another verbal smack down about her and the angel and how she's always at Bobby's and never with him and –

"You never yell anything at me. Like, ever." His words are slurred but not so much that she can't understand.

"What," She takes in a deep breath. "What would you like me to yell?"

A giggle. An actual _giggle._ "I don't know…anything. How I always say mean things and how I'm too happy or too mad or too something. You're never mad at me…why not? I mean…I am one **shitty** husband."

"Because…I – I lost him too and I know that it…I know it hurts but I also know you're going to get better and sober and we're going to go home together and see Bobby because he misses you and needs to hear your voice. I know we're going to have a beautiful baby and we're going to love it so much and tell it stories about brave Uncle Sammy who saved the world and what it means to be a Winchester. I know we're going to go on dates and fight and have sex and get better jobs because college is expensive. I know we're going to be happy because if we don't deserve it then no one else does…"

Silence.

"We're going to be okay." She moves to leave and while she doesn't stop, his parting words stay with her all night long:

"Since when isn't this home?"

_(Since always)._

xxxxxx

(She wonders if it's possible to die from heartache).

xxxxxx

It wasn't supposed to happen, it really wasn't.

She'd gone over to Bobby's as usual after a throw up fest and the older hunter had a case no other hunters had time for so she volunteered herself.

She'd given Bobby her best onyx-eyes-withering-glare when his eyes had dared to land on her stomach. "I'm not incompetent." She'd snarled and it'd been so long since she'd snarled and damn did it feel _great_.

xxxxxx

The hunt leads her to a warehouse in the outskirts of South Dakota and it isn't until she gets there that she remembers she's rusty and doesn't have Jo's knife or hers. She rolls her shoulders though and goes in because she's **Ruby** and she does _not_ back down from a fight…the ones with her husband don't count.

xxxxxx

It's the kick to the stomach that does it.

She's winning and cutting heads off and loving it and there are only four left and –

She goes down and the vampires circle her and before she knows it white hot pain blooms from her center and then she's alone and there are footsteps and then nothing.

xxxxxx

She wakes up in a hospital bed with Bobby at her side and a nurse by the front of her bed.

"Bobby."

No response. She clears her dry throat and tries again. "Idjit." She smacks his shoulder weakly for added affect and this is what brings the old man's attentions on her.

Bobby breathes a sigh of relief when he catches her eye and if she didn't know any better she would have sworn there were tears in his eyes. "Goddamn it girl. One of these days you and that Winchester…"

He trails off but she understands.

"And how is the patient feeling?"

A young, blue-eyed (not so blue that it hurt to look) doctor walked in as the nurse left.

She scowled and pressed down on her stomach timidly, flinching from the sharp pain there. "Is my baby okay?" She asks right away, sitting up despite Bobby's protests. The doctor pauses at this before looking down and then back up again. "Mrs. Winchester, when the ambulance got to you there was a serious amount of blood loss and if they hadn't – "

"I don't care about myself." She snaps, eyes close to flashing. "Is. My. Baby. Okay?"

xxxxxx

After she's sedated and calmed and no longer shouting and cursing and spitting out descriptive (oh so very descriptive and very well thought out) threats Bobby tells her what's happened.

The older hunter (and this time she **knows** he's fight down tears) explains that the only reason she wasn't dead too was because it had been daylight and someone had heard noise and called the cops who called the ambulance and by the time they'd gotten there she was already in a pool of blood and bruised. He explains that he was called because he was her emergency contact on her wallet that she'd accidently taken with her and thank God she had because if she hadn't no one would have been called.

Bobby goes on to tell her all the medical crap too but she can't hear it because her _baby's_ **dead** and it's _**her fault**_.

xxxxxx

He comes an hour later after Bobby's managed to convince her to call him and when he gets there the first thing he does is go to her side and take Bobby's absent seat. She takes hold of his hands and uses her free one to brush away absently at the dry tears tainting her skin.

"They um," she looks away from her blanket covered legs and over to the windows. "They said I could go in a few days…just some tests and don't worry, Bobby swapped my blood so no sulfur was found and they, they said he didn't feel anything."

"He?" The question is so soft and timid she almost doesn't catch it.

"Yeah…he."

And that's when he snaps. She's about to ask him to call Bobby back in when his grip tightens to the point of actual pain and when she glances over at him she freezes. Up until that point whenever she'd looked into his eyes she'd seen nothing, no pain, no happiness, no grief…nothing…but now…all that'd been missing before was now present and fresh and she can't seem to catch her breath.

"Ruby…I…I know I've been…and our son…a little Sammy – _she doesn't deny the name_ – and now…the things I've done…what I said and accused you of…I'm – Ruby, I – I can't…I don't remember his laugh." He breathes and that's when both of their tears start to fall. "I don't…I got up today and I tried to remember so I don't forget but I can't anymore and it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt Ruby. Not – not even this. Our baby's dead and I can't feel a _thing_."

She pulls him onto the bed with her, hiccupping through her tears.

(She'd been forgetting too).

"Here." She takes his hand and shakily puts it against her collarbone, pressing down hard and hopes he feels what she does whenever she touches the spot. (All the flames and bitterness and bliss). "Can you feel it? Can you?" she asks, kissing away his tears and pressing her forehead to his.

He nods hastily at her.

"Good." She smiles and kisses his lips for the first time in months. She kisses him hard and deeply and starts to sob because he'd come home to her. Finally.

xxxxxx

(Bobby enters the room again to find him with his cheek pressed against her stomach and her cradling him against her.

The tired hunter sighs in relief and allows the tears to escape).

xxxxxx

The first thing he does when they get back to their house is throw out the alcohol. That night they fall asleep wrapped up in each other's arms and crying for the innocent life lost that could have been everything.

xxxxxx

He walks in timidly and scared but with his head held high because he needs this just as much as she does.

"Hello, my name is Dean and I'm…I'm an alcoholic."

xxxxxx

(They store away all the baby stuff she'd bought because while it still hurt too much there was always someday).

xxxxxx

They sort through Sammy's things together and when they get to the pictures their brother had kept at the bottom of his duffle bag they both take a day off of work and cry through them together.

xxxxxx

The pictures now decorate their living room walls.

xxxxxx

(When she kisses him good night he kisses back).

xxxxxx

He goes with her to visit Bobby and when the older hunter sees the eldest Winchester he takes off his trucker hat and glances up at the ceiling briefly.

xxxxxx

She quits her jobs because if he's being cut off then so is she.

xxxxxx

He starts to make stupid pop culture references again and smiles so brightly his eyes shine.

She starts to snap and snarl again and smirks so slyly all he can think of his throwing her down and having his way with her.

xxxxxx

She gets a new job as a self-defense teacher and he laughs at the poor kids who'll have to deal with her.

xxxxxx

Instead of him ranting, they rant together like they used to and when they're done they smile and kiss and joke and go eat dinner.

xxxxxx

"How'd you do it?"

"I didn't…our Sammys' did."

xxxxxx

She lets the comment slip from her lips the day he comes to get her from work.

She's packing away some of the training mats when he goes over and kisses her neck, sighing into her hair.

"Hey there woman."

She smirked and leaned back into his touch. "Hello to you too shortbus."

"Funny, cute, really."

She laughed lightly and pulled away to pick up her gym bag. "Come on, I want to get home soon. I'm thinking fries and steak tonight. You?" She makes her way over to the exit and it isn't until she's half way there that she realizes he isn't following.

She looks back with a scowl gracing her lips. "Hey, idjit, hurry it up."

"Home…you, you called the house home." He breathes and at this she frowns and replays her words back in her mind.

"Huh…I guess I did…come on, I'll let you feed me strawberries naked."

She races out with a squeal and him hot on her trail.

xxxxxx

She uncovers the Impala and insists he show her how to fix a car, stating that a woman of her awesomeness should know these things.

When he makes an offhand comment about passing the Impala down to his actual baby, the pain that rushes through her isn't as intense as it had been a while ago.

xxxxxx

"You called it home."

"…Yeah…and I meant it too."

xxxxxx

She buys a small bowl in the kitchen where she keeps his AA chips.

xxxxxx

(When he wakes up from nightmares of Hell and Sam and Adam and his dead baby he holds her tight and closes his eyes because he knows pain takes time).

xxxxxx

It hits him on one of their visits to Bobby.

She's besides the older hunter making snappy comments that have him and Bobby rolling their eyes and huffing as they show her once again the workings of an engine. She's back to wearing leather pants that have her knife and Jo's as well stashed away from sight and her signature jacket with her blonde hair loose and perfect. (Bobby had smirked when he'd seen her and had said that the leather suited her).

"I'm just saying, what's the difference as long it gets fixed?"

Bobby rolled his neck and huffed yet again. "The difference you goddamn idjit is that if you try and use your nails you'll break it."

"The nail or the chord?"

He lets out a loud, breathy laugh at her insistence and at Bobby's red face. "Bobby, don't bother, you won't win." He smirks and grins back when she flips him the bird.

He leans back into the foldup chair and sighs as he realizes that this is it. This is it. Right there, with him and her and Bobby and happiness and laughter and love. This is his apple pie life (minus one gigantor of course).

xxxxxx

She sleeps in until noon for the last week of the tenth month into their new lives.

She stays in bed and listens to him moving around the kitchen absently trying to make waffles and crispy turkey bacon (_not_ the easiest thing in the world to do). She stays in bed and rubs her flat stomach with grief and pain and a bit of hope because she knows they can always try again. She stays in bed and smiles at their beige ceiling and thinks that she has to repaint it soon. She stays in bed and wonders if she can talk Bobby into helping because Winchesters and spray guns just do **not** go together. She stays in bed and sighs into the air because it's the first morning in ten months that hadn't begun with pain and she's grateful. She stays in bed and smiles.

xxxxxx

That day she goes over to Bobby's (not home…no, not anymore) with a bounce in her step and a smile on her glossed lips. She barges right in, walks around the devil's traps she knows are lying around and enters the living room/library quickly.

"Bobby, I require your services because there is no way in hell I'm letting Dean near paint ever again after – "

She freezes and feels the air leave her lungs and the pain return along with anger, betrayal and grief.

When she speaks, her voice is small and cracked: "Sammy?"


	5. Season Six

**A/N: And here's season 6 ^_^ I kinda, sort of, hated season 6 *ducks* But that's only because of the Cas going dark-side storyline and the fact that Mark Campbell got killed off too soon; it was kick-ass like all the seasons but there were moments where I was cursing Sera's name and plotting my revenge against her -_-**

**As always, Duby 100% and hints to Rubiel because they're addictive and I can't seem to stop ^_^**

**OH! For "The French Mistake", in the universe Balthy sends them to, the show's following the story line from this story, which I hereby name the Violet verse.**

**The songs that are to blame this time around are "I Don't Want to Be" by Gavin DeGraw, "Secrets" by One Republic, "Open Your Eyes" by Snow Patrol, "For The First Time" by The Script (I probably should have been listening to that last song while writing the last chapter but whatever; it's an awesome song either way) and the big one, the one that got me through the last few scenes was "Gone Away" by Lucy Schwartz.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned anything it would be Cas (season 5), Dean (season 3), Gabriel (season 5), Sammy (season 5), Balthazar (season 6; which other?) and Mark (season 6; duh -_-)**

**xxxxxx**

She's numb.

Right back to square one; numb.

Not painfully numb, no…just numb. She can feel the emotion slip out of her grasp and hide away again as blissful _nothing_ takes over. She can vaguely hear Bobby in the background and wisps of **impostor's** voice but none of this stops her as she spins around and marches out of the room.

xxxxxx

Her exit would have gone a whole lot better if she hadn't accidently walked into one of Bobby's devil's traps.

xxxxxx

She could have gone with a lot of routes but in the end she settles for the traditional "nah, nah, I can't hear you!" when Bobby won't let her out of the devil's trap.

"Ruby, listen. It's me, okay. It is, I don't know what I have to do to – "

"Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!" She bellowed, fingers stuck into her ears, back to the impostor.

"Real mature Blondie."

"You," she snapped at Bobby. "You don't get to talk right now. Do you even know what's besides you? Huh? Ghoul? Shape shifter? What?"

"Sam. Look, Ruby – "

"Oh yeah and did the little fact that Sam jumped into the _Cage_ escape your memory? I mean seriously – "

"I've been out for nine months."

Silence.

She uncovers her ears and looks back over to them. She allows her gaze to rest on impostor and that painfully horrible shirt only Sammy would think was okay and that sad, sad face that so painfully resembled Sammy's puppy-dog face and those eyes…oh God those eyes that spoke such truth…

"No…no, because Sam he would have, he would have told me and you're _not_ Sammy and this is just **cruel** Bobby."

"Ruby – "

"You've been out this whole time?" She demands, too tired to try and deny the truth before her. Who else would be able to look at her with such sad eyes and hope in their voice? She can feel the traitor tears start up and wipes at them hastily because Sam doesn't deserve them, not if he'd been back this _entire_ time and getting _Bobby_ to lie to her every time she came over. He doesn't deserve anything from her.

"…Yeah."

"Bobby please let me out of here now." She asks as calmly as possible and she knows this is what convinces Bobby to do it because she only gets that way when she's about to explode or hurt someone…or both.

She's gone before either can take another breath.

xxxxxx

He comes home from the garage to find his wife sitting in the guest room…the baby's would be nursery, fighting down tears and clutching a wrinkled ultrasound picture in her hands.

She doesn't glance up when he comes to stand before her. "Sammy's home."

He doesn't have to ask which one.

xxxxxx

(He takes his first sip of alcohol in almost three months that night).

xxxxxx

They go back to Bobby's together the next day and the first thing he does is hold his Sammy close because they're Winchesters and it feels like home and a bit of the suffocating pain that'd been clogging his heart for the past three months is gone and there's nothing left to do.

xxxxxx

She went to Sam next (after he's done holding his brother tight and whispering too soft promises into the tall man's jacket) and as the tears started to leak through her eyes she tightens her grip on the Winchester by just that much because she knew, she just **knew** that this was it. This was the end of their apple pie; their last slice.

Don't get her wrong. Sam, _Sammy_, was back. The glue, the hope, the childlike wonder, the happiness, the **everything**. But he was there to pull it all away, to take back all the progress they'd been making. Sam was going to break them. (**_Again_**).

And they'll let him.

xxxxxx

She doesn't bother to try and act shocked when Sam mentions a hunt not even three hours into their reunion.

xxxxxx

He goes – naturally – and where he goes she does so they go off with Sam and meet the family.

Gwen? She can handle.

Christian? Too many demonic vibes coming off for her to be comfortable.

Mark? Why not, he was quiet enough.

Samuel? No. Not with the way the old man looked at her as if she was nothing more than the crap underneath his shoes. As if she were an abomination and yeah, she'll give him that one but he had no right to judge her, grandfather or not.

xxxxxx

(She tries to pretend it doesn't sting when her own husband won't say anything about the looks she's getting).

xxxxxx

(Turns out the hunt is a pair of Djinns stalking their house.

She has no idea why she'd ever thought they'd be able to leave their past in the past).

xxxxxx

He's trying to take this all in stride, he is and he's so happy, so, so happy that Sammy's back and alive and home and…if he has to look into those green eyes one more time he won't be able to keep the accusation out of his because he _knows_ that it's all over; their apple-pie life was officially finished.

xxxxxx

She's decided she likes Mark.

Mark's quiet, nods when need be and doesn't eye her cautiously while unconsciously reaching for the nearest gun like (**_Samuel Christian Gwen_**) some other people who shall remain nameless.

xxxxxx

Okay, so _maybe_ they should have had a plan ahead of time but seriously, how was he supposed to know he'd get poisoned and start having crazy ass visions of her burning and their unborn Sammy drinking and _god,_ he can't ever be allowed to forget anything, can he?

xxxxxx

In the end they stay.

Sam's home and it's great and their little brother is **alive** and they can hold and touch him but…they deserved a little something too. After years of fighting so hard for Sam and taking care of him they deserved more than the measly ten grief filled months they'd just barely survived.

xxxxxx

It'd only been a day since they'd last seen Sam but already she was going back to the Campbell house because well…the last time she'd gone on a hunt alone she'd gotten her baby killed and next time, it might be her.

xxxxxx

(Mark's the only one there though and when she suggests sparing and the answer she gets is a quiet "why not" she thinks she just might be able to get used to him).

xxxxxx

(In the end she wins three rounds out of five because as it turns out the Campbell boy was actually able to resist demonic compulsion; something about hypnosis or whatever. She'd blocked the blonde out some because for a guy who didn't talk much, get him excited and he could rival her.

When they're done she sits across from the Campbell slightly tired and hungry and enjoys the silence that comes from being around someone other than Bobby and her husband).

xxxxxx

She grinned over at the tired blonde, brushing an ice cube over her lips. "I like you…you're kind of a sweetheart."

Mark raised a single eyebrow and the corner of his mouth. "That so?"

"Yeah. So don't die. People have a really bad habit of dying on me. So…don't. Die, I mean."

Mark nodded. "I think I can manage that."

xxxxxx

He waits up for her and when she returns, smiling lightly and asking what he wants for dinner, he can't help but send a silent prayer to God or whoever that he wasn't going to have another Cas situation on his hands.

xxxxxx

(She skips Bobby's the next day in favor of visiting Mark again because…she just _can't_).

xxxxxx

The phone call comes around ten at night and it's a testimony to how _normal_ they are now that it takes them a whole minute to answer the phone, the past months having allowed their muscles to relax some and lose their alertness.

"Sam?" he spoke into the phone, trying to hold the phone to his ear as he continued to shovel pasta into his mouth. His wife crinkled her nose across from him and frowned at the phone in his hand. "Tell him to go suck an angel."

"…Yeah, that was Ruby…she says hey."

She kicked his leg swiftly.

"…Dinner…yeah…no, Sam I…"

They both paused and glanced at the phone together in horror because there was **no way** they heard right.

"I'll get the car." She sighed, pushing back her seat.

"I'll get the pasta." He grumbled, grabbing the foil from the counter.

xxxxxx

He paused, opened his mouth and then sighed for the fifth time in that hour.

"Sam…this is a federal offense…I'm pretty sure this is a federal offense." He spoke finally, eyes glued to the happy baby pressed against the blonde demon's chest.

"I wasn't planning on taking him but I couldn't really leave him there."

And that was exactly when said happy baby decided to crap in its diapers.

She glanced up from where she was smiling at the baby boy and smirked over at her boys. "Who wants it?"

xxxxxx

It takes about an hour of shopping to show her that he would have made a great father.

Sam stood there all awkward and grabbed too much of all the wrong things while her husband was smiling at the passing babies and picking up formula and diapers and wipes and pacifiers and…he looked happy. He looked happy and okay and…happy. Just plain happy.

She clutched the baby (who she'd decided to name David in her mind but not out loud) tight to her chest and looked away, blinking back tears.

xxxxxx

When the baby explodes and takes the form of another their eyes meet, "oh freaking hell" passes through both of their minds and they feel that familiar exhaustion wash over them.

It's like they never walked away.

xxxxxx

(As he's knocked against the wall and feels black seep in, he almost doesn't hear the shape shifter as it rants on about the Father).

xxxxxx

The fact that Mark's there makes up a bit for having to see Samuel's permanently shrewd face.

xxxxxx

While chaos goes on and they continue to fight over what to do to the poor kid she slides on over besides Mark and smiles lightly.

When the Campbell returns the smile quietly she starts to think that maybe, she might actually be making a friend.

xxxxxx

Then said friend had to go get his neck twisted. Figures.

xxxxxx

In the end they lose the baby anyways and as they take in the knowledge of supposed alphas running around she looks over at him and he holds the gaze.

Yeah…looks like they're coming out of retirement.

xxxxxx

She hands in her resignation the next day and doesn't look at Sam for an entire hour.

xxxxxx

("Ruby – "

"I liked him. He…he was my friend. My friend and…"

"I know…I know."

"Dean…it's not supposed to hurt this much anymore.")

xxxxxx

He goes to Bobby's the next day instead of her and when the older man catches sight of him, a sigh escapes and a small nod.

"She still mad?"

"Bobby…"

"Just…just tell the damn girl I'm sorry, okay. Will you tell her?"

He paused, smiled lightly and nodded.

xxxxxx

He hands in his resignation and doesn't talk to anyone for an hour.

xxxxxx

They pack up their duffel bags, hand the spare house keys over to Bobby and drive off in the Impala.

As they peel out of the driveway she turns back and can't help but wonder about the trench coat still buried in their closet.

xxxxxx

She scowls at Sam's stupid car and follows behind them wordlessly, keeping her arms tight around herself.

xxxxxx

Of course it's biblical. Of course it is…that means they need Castiel and that the angel's going to be around and…before she can even protest her boys are glancing her way, as if she were the only one capable of getting the angel's attention.

xxxxxx

"He won't come."

"Ruby, last time I saw him, you and that guy were attached by the hip." Sam scowled and she just barely resisted the urge to flash the younger Winchester her true eyes.

"Not anymore."

"What happened then? He got too busy for you?"

She frowned at the venom in Sam's voice and glanced back to where her husband was siting.

"He visited me nearly every day."

"Then what went wrong? He finally realize he had no shot with you?"

"…You died. That's what went wrong jackass."

"…Ruby – "

"No. Don't. I get it okay, I do. He was my friend not yours, I know that. But he did die to save you."

Silence.

"Ruby…does Dean…"

"Nothing happened dumbass."

"Right…"

xxxxxx

_Okay, Castiel…it's me…Ruby. And you already know that obviously...look, we need your help with something. Something big and biblical and there are people being liquefied down here so…get your feathery ass down here. Amen._

xxxxxx

When the angel appears before them a few seconds later, clad in a suit and crooked tie she almost doesn't hold down a flinch in time.

xxxxxx

("Dude, what happened to your coat?")

xxxxxx

She ignores the rude and selfish comments her boys are throwing at the (her) angel in favor of avoiding its stare.

xxxxxx

She does flinch though as she watches the angel shove his hand inside of a kid's chest like it's nothing because she knows, she _knows_, part of his newfound stoic is thanks to her.

xxxxxx

Watching his wife freak out as Cas got thrown out a window…not fun.

xxxxxx

She tries to pretend she's surprised at the mention of the angelic civil war but is too tired.

xxxxxx

(Dear God, he is so freaking tired of dick-headed angel brothers. Especially ones that makes eyes at his wife with the excuse of "what? She's hot mate, demon or not").

xxxxxx

She decides to put out the holy fire for two reasons:

One, Balthazar saved Castiel.

Two, the angel had David's eyes.

xxxxxx

She calls Castiel back and asks the angel if it thinks Sam is okay.

Instead of answering the angel glances down at her stomach, back at her and then at her stomach once more.

When their eyes lock she finds herself drowning in the sadness in his.

xxxxxx

(She can't help but grin when she slides into the passenger seat and spots Sam in the backseat).

xxxxxx

After a simple poltergeist hunt that leaves her with a concussion (which is really saying something for a demon) and a broken leg she's instructed by the Winchesters to stay put and with Bobby.

xxxxxx

("Ruby – "

"No, Dean. No. How am I supposed to be around the man if I can't trust him?"

"…He did what he thought was best."

"Whose freaking side are you on?")

xxxxxx

She puts aside her hurt and helps Bobby because although she wouldn't say it she missed answering phones and reading and cleaning and just being near the old man.

xxxxxx

(She doesn't watch Bobby torture though because she loves the man but she will _not_ watch him do that).

xxxxxx

She spends time teasing the older hunter about Marcy because watching Bobby burn red is quite possibly one of the funniest things she's ever seen.

xxxxxx

She ignores their phone calls and smirks over at Bobby when they call him instead, demanding to know why she wasn't answering.

xxxxxx

When his wife texts him in the middle of the night to ask if she can leave for the third time he sighs into his pillow and curses the fact that her and Bobby are so alike.

xxxxxx

On her third day there she walks (limps) over to Bobby, places her hands on her hips and scowls.

"You lied to me."

The older man looked up from the thick book in his hands. "I did."

"You chose Sam."

Shrug. "Yeah."

"If I'd asked…would you have told me?"

"Probably not."

"…He's mine too, I deserved to know."

"I get that."

"…I love you too much to stay mad so…you're forgiven."

Smile. "I figured."

xxxxxx

Now that all's forgiven she starts to answer her phone and helps Bobby look up Crowley's bones because after all, the old hunter is the only reason Sam's still around.

(She never did thank him for _Kristy_).

xxxxxx

When Sam notices the wedding ring he pauses.

"Hey…you two got married. She…she let you marry her?"

He doesn't answer because he can only focus on the fact that it'd taken Sammy that long to realize it.

xxxxxx

She's decided not to like Rufus.

When she liked people they had a tendency to die…a lot…

xxxxxx

(That plan goes to hell the moment the hunter glances at her with wild eyes and asks if she knows any good places besides Bobby's to stash an Okami).

xxxxxx

After Rufus disappears she makes a list of all the recent monsters that have been migrating.

It was going to be one fun, long year.

xxxxxx

(She laughs as Bobby tells off the boys because they needed to get their asses handed to them by someone and who better than Bobby?)

xxxxxx

After Jody's gone (it was good to see her again, she'd always liked the sheriff) and Marcy's been saved (dumbass) and Rufus' swallowed the ring (idjit) and Crowley's stolen his bones back (she seriously needed to kill that damn demon already) and Bobby's got his soul back (about damn time) she lies down on her old bed and sighs, closing her eyes slowly.

Then the phone rings downstairs and she's groaning and rolling over in bed.

xxxxxx

He freaking hates vampires. He always has.

He especially hates those sparky, big haired, brooding vampires than can never stop whining about being immortal and bloodthirsty.

He hates them.

(It probably doesn't help that his wife takes every chance she can at teasing him once they're inside of Kristin's room. And the fact that he knew that werewolf's last name? Not exactly helping).

xxxxxx

She's been out of the game a while. A long while. A long, long while. Her instincts are slower, her muscles softer and her senses? Not as sharp.

But there is one thing she will never lose. Her sex appeal.

She knows she's hot. Has known it since she came back and had even known it as Caroline.

She had gorgeous blonde hair, bright blue eyes, curves that were begging to be touched and a seductive smile that could make any boy drop their pants in a second.

Sure those ten months had weathered down her bright eyes some and her hair had lost some of its shine but she still knew how to plaster on a barely there skin tight outfit and smirk.

This was all probably why she was bait.

xxxxxx

("I'm not sure I'm all that comfortable with the fact that you're so comfortable with this."

"Bite me Dean, I look sexy and you know it."

"…No comment.")

xxxxxx

(Okay, the whole point of her being bait? So her boys wouldn't do shortbus-y things!

Figures he would get himself turned into a vampire of all things).

xxxxxx

"What the hell Sam? I thought you were watching his stupid ass!" She growled, eyes onyx and hard.

"I got…distracted..." Her brother supplied, face blank and back straight.

"With freaking what?" She exclaimed, exasperation dripping from her every word.

xxxxxx

She ignores his protests and sits across from him on the bed, itching to reach over and grab his hand.

She sent Sam off to get Samuel (reluctantly), she dimmed the lights down to practically nothing, she closed the shades and took off her shoes and tried to keep as much eye contact as he allowed.

"Ruby…"

"Dean…" She threw right back, voice just as grating and demanding.

"…Go Ruby. Okay, just go. If you're not going to kill me just go."

"I'm not killing you. And I'm not leaving."

"Ruby, damn it – "

"You see this ring?" She asked, holding up her hand for his bloodshot eyes to see.

His pale lips thinned.

"This ring…this ring right here was a promise. A promise from you. You promised me forever."

"…"

"…"

"Things don't always pan out the way you want them to." He mumbled.

She rolled her eyes deeply at this, so hard she swore she strained something, and sighed, "Samuel might be an incompetent bald racist but he does have his uses. One of them being a very affect cure for vampirism."

"…Wait, what?"

xxxxxx

She allows him to go into the nest with a quick hug and kiss and an all too familiar sentence: "Come home to me."

xxxxxx

When it's all said and done and he's come back to her and Samuel's gone and he lets her touch him again…

…She can only really focus on the fact that Sam might have, maybe, possibly let his brother get turned into a bloodsucker.

xxxxxx

(He rolls over that night in too scratchy sheets and a too hard pillow and whispers into her ears the visions he'd been too afraid to tell Sam).

xxxxxx

Their next stop is Illinois and the whole ride there is tense and the car is far too small for her, him, Sam and that big elephant in the room that never seemed to want to leave them alone.

She snuggled deeper into her seat and considered for a quick second calling down the-angel-that-had-once-been-hers-but-not-anymore-and-probably-never-again.

For Sam of course.

Only for Sam.

xxxxxx

He calls Bobby because he needs to know that his brother's there. That his brother is there and okay and not hard and cold and soulless and mean.

He **needs** to know it was _Sammy_ that'd been brought back.

xxxxxx

(When he asks her to call Castiel she thins her lips, glances up at the skies and makes a show of praying. When nothing happens and his shoulders sag she has to bite down the guilt crawling its way up her heart).

xxxxxx

(No. **_No_**. That thing is not Sam. It's not Sammy.

Sammy would never be so cruel and make innuendoes about Castiel at her expense.

Sammy would never be so cold and indifferent to his brother being a vampire.

Sammy would never be so calculated and detached on cases.

Sammy would never…Sammy just wouldn't).

xxxxxx

She goes to the dentist because she needs breathing room and space from her boys and dear God hunting is going to _demolish _her appetite one of these days.

xxxxxx

(Harry's House of Horns? Seriously? God, that store is just begging for jokes at its expense).

xxxxxx

He's not stupid. He isn't. He can see the too-awkward-to-be-recent-tension between the two blue-eyed creatures. He can see the longing stares the angel throws when her head's turned and he can see the pained glances she sneaks when the angel is looking away.

He can see it all.

And that's probably why he feels so little guilt in yelling at the angel about being selfish and only caring about the war.

xxxxxx

"This war, Cas. This war…is that the only thing wrong?" He asked hesitantly, bottle close at hand but far away enough for him to remember and feel the weight of the AA chips in his jean pocket.

The angel sighed, "What else would there be?"

"Cas…anything you want to tell me? About Ruby? And you?"

Pause.

"No."

Liar.

xxxxxx

(He's tired and drunk and angry and dear God, he just wants the _truth_. For once. Is that too much to ask for?)

xxxxxx

"How's the war…upstairs…with Raphael?" She asks because there's nothing left to ask.

"Complicated. Hard." Castiel answers, eyes even colder and confused than the last time she'd dared to look into them.

It might have been months and their friendship-relationship-mixed-up-situation was strained beyond belief and it hurt whenever they looked at each other but she was still able to read the angel better than anyone else.

"…Castiel…the war…you can tell me. You know that right? I'm here. I've always been here."

The angel looked up, paused and blue eyes bored into blue eyes.

The flames and the bliss and the bitterness picked up for the first time in _months_ and dear God did it feel good to feel…anything that much.

"…I'm fine."

Liar.

xxxxxx

(She's tired and hungry and guilty and damn it, she just wants the angel to tell the _truth_ about the damn war already. She isn't asking for much).

xxxxxx

He hangs up on Bobby as quickly as possible because there are just some things _no one_ needs to know.

xxxxxx

She races back to their room after the homeless man admits to stealing from the lady across the street and locks herself in quickly, heart racing and mind spiraling at the possibilities this could have.

xxxxxx

He enters the room ten minutes after her and they share a knowing glance before all Hell breaks loose.

xxxxxx

("Did you eat the last pie?"

"Yes. Did you throw out my fries?"

"I was in a spiteful mood, yeah. Are you a natural blonde?"

"We didn't have this color of dye back then. Did you make Bobby keep me prisoner that week?"

"Yes."

"Jackass."

"Whatever…" Painful pause. "I'm pissed at you right now."

"What, why?"

"I know you and Cas are lying."

"We are." Pause. "_Crap_."

"What happened? It's okay; I slept with Anna."

"I kissed him. Wait, you screwed the chick?"

"We were broken up. When did you kiss Cas?"

"A few months after Sam jumped…"

"We were married then…it's my fault. I was distant. I barely touched you."

"It's not your fault. I would have done it anyways. Castiel looked really cute that day and I needed to know what he'd taste like."

"…Are you trying to be cruel?"

"You're the one who screwed the angel and yeah, I'm feeling pretty cruel right now."

"This is why I worked late shifts, I feel like strangling you some times."

"Same here. Except I'd be more creative and use a butter knife."

"…Was he a good kisser?"

"He was good, not like you. Anna a good fuck?"

"Not nearly as good as you."

"…Good to know."

"Why'd you kiss him?"

"He was there and I couldn't breathe."

"…"

"I love you but I need him too."

"Not like you need me though right?"

"No…sometimes I feel like you're going to leave me for Lisa. You deserve Ben."

"I used to think you loved Sam more."

"I tried to dye my hair brown once."

"I feel like punching Cas when he looks at you."

"You'd just break your hand…do you still love me even though I couldn't give you a baby?"

"I'll probably love you forever and a bit after that if I can."

"That's good to know because with Sam back I know it'll only be a matter of time before one of us dies. I love Sam, I do but he's going to be the death of us. It's always been that way."

"Sometimes I hate Sam."

"…Sometimes I hate you both.")

xxxxxx

When they're done asking questions and have covered their mouths with _duck tape_ they stay on opposite sides of the room and don't look at each other for an hour.

xxxxxx

She stands back as he questions Sam and bites down on her cheeks to keep from spewing and hates that she can tell Sammy's lying because the younger Winchester isn't supposed to be able to and that _scares_ her.

xxxxxx

(Veritas…lovely, another god to deal with. As if those whining pagans hadn't been enough hassle).

xxxxxx

…Not Sam…

…That's – that's not Sam and…

…Sammy…what…where is he and oh God she can't breathe…she can't breathe and the air's thinning and her husband's beating at the impostor and all she can do is collapse onto the ground and take deep, shaky breaths because she told herself, she promised herself she'd be able to control them but…Sammy…and…

…She really hates it when she's right.

xxxxxx

He calls Cas, making sure to mention her name and when the angel comes and heals away the shakes and panic he buries down the fury at the thought of their skin touching.

xxxxxx

No…no soul. His little brother has no soul and his wife's comatose and his supposed angel friend is in love with said wife and said wife is oblivious and God, he is almost middle-aged damn it; his life should _not_ be resembling a bad day time soap opera!

xxxxxx

When she wakes up and she'd told the news she craws as far away as she can because she can see it now.

The missing soul.

Every time she'd looked that thing in the eye since it'd shown up she'd felt nauseas and now she knows why.

It had the same look in its eyes _Kristy_ used to have.

xxxxxx

(She'd been in Hell for five days when they finally started the carving.

She'd been there, hanging and crying and begging that David was okay when a beautiful redhead with green eyes made her way over, picked up a blade and proceeded to carve out her heart.

"I'm Kristy…I get the feeling we're going to be really good friends." The redhead beamed, eyes filled to the brim with emptiness and malice).

xxxxxx

She stays in the car because if she goes into the Campbell house she will break.

xxxxxx

(She might not have known Mark long – about four weeks but to who did it matter but her – but it'd been long enough for her to let the quiet man take a place in her heart besides Jo and Ellen and Pamela and all those other souls that'd been torn out of her starving hands).

xxxxxx

Since her husband and impostor are busy spying on Samuel she calls Castiel.

The angel stands before her, dirty suit and crooked tie and tired eyes and she sighs once, holds her hand out and nods towards her peace offering.

The angel smiled lightly, nodded back and took the tan trench coat in his hands, shrugging it back on flawlessly.

xxxxxx

"I love you." Castiel whispered. ("I'll back off.")

"I know." She smiled. ("I love you but I love Dean more. I need him more.")

"I missed you." Castiel gasped. ("I can't breathe without you and it scares me.")

"I know." She smirked. ("I needed you and you weren't there and now I can't breathe again.")

"I'm losing the war." Castiel muttered. ("Help me.")

"…I know." She sighed. ("I wish I could help you.")

xxxxxx

(She buys two pounds worth of Kit-Kats and starts nibbling away).

xxxxxx

He watches the body of the brother he would give anything for and can't help but wonder "how the hell are we going to fix this one?".

xxxxxx

When the body choses him he feels his chest cave in because as much as he wishes it…that wasn't Sammy.

xxxxxx

She forces the poor angel out of the trench coat and jacket, loosens the tie, sucker punches his arm, holds him tight and beams at the fact that she can see some of the stoic leave those bright blue eyes.

She flicks on the television and rests her head near the angel's shoulder, shuddering as the flames threatened to consume her and the bitterness began to curl around her legs.

xxxxxx

Crowley…it's always Crowley…

xxxxxx

They get back after three in the morning and the sight of the angel and demon smiling and watching television makes him more tired than before.

xxxxxx

("It was Crowley. Crowley brought him back."

"…Figures."

"You ever going to tell me what that's about? You and Crowley."

"Need to know basis honey, need to know basis.")

xxxxxx

While impostor and him go play bitch for Crowley she goes home.

She throws the door open, runs into the living room and throws herself down on the warm, slightly dusty carpet.

"Home." She breathed into the air, a grin consuming her face.

xxxxxx

(_Buffalo? Really Crowley, of all the damn places?)_

xxxxxx

Dear God he missed the normal cases like ghosts and Wendigos and werewolves.

Because dogs? Really?

It was times like these that he really, really wished he were still drinking.

xxxxxx

(He takes a few sips of bourbon because hey, how is she going to know?)

xxxxxx

He knows the only reason he hesitates at pulling that trigger is the fact that the little boy he'd seen needs Lucky.

xxxxxx

Okay, he'd known the body was cruel but really, saying that it didn't care about him, his wife or Bobby? Cut his heart out why doesn't it.

xxxxxx

He returns to her tired and drunk and with barely restrained tears she wiped away the sweat from his forehead and stole the bottle out of his duffel bag.

She calls Amy and stays up all night listening to empty reassurances from a girl she barely knew anymore.

xxxxxx

Faeries, aliens, crop circles and disappearing jocks…God being a demon used to be so much simpler.

xxxxxx

She keeps her distance from impostor because whenever she so much as looked at it, her skin began to crawl.

xxxxxx

(She buys a bottle of whiskey because he might be cut off but that didn't mean she had to suffer too).

xxxxxx

He sees her with the bottle and looks away because he knows he's to blame.

xxxxxx

While he and impostor go bother people she stays inside and tries to research, eyes drifting up to the ceiling oh so very subtly every few minutes.

xxxxxx

Sam (**_body impostor NOT Sam_**) frowns at the phone in his hand, shrugs and orders another beer.

He'll deal with it later.

xxxxxx

When impostor tells her it managed to lose her husband she feels her chest tighten and has to hold down on her collarbone and remember to breathe and be calm.

xxxxxx

(She rolls her eyes and exits the room as soon as the pretty redhead appears because seriously impostor? Seriously?)

xxxxxx

As soon as he returns to her she clutches him tight but lets him go into the room because if she had to see it, so did he.

xxxxxx

She doesn't question the fact that her husband is apparently seeing invisible men because she's too busy inching away from impostor.

xxxxxx

She comes back from across the street to find her husband swatting at nothing and shoving air into a microwave.

She needs a drink.

(Or three).

xxxxxx

Marion creeps her out. Flat out creeps her out with the smiles and the happy and the faerie decorations and the everything.

She needs to go home, now.

xxxxxx

(Since they won't let her pay bail she stands outside of the cell and scowls at her dumbass of a husband.

"Short bus."

"Ruby – "

"Dumbass."

"Babe – "

"Idiot."

"Darlin' – "

"Shut up."

"…")

xxxxxx

When it's all over and he's free and the faeries are gone, she catches a sight at impostor's face and can't help but feel like throwing up.

xxxxxx

With her husband and impostor off doing Crowley's biding yet again she picks up a newspaper and starts to look for something to help pass her time.

xxxxxx

She finds what looks very much like a vampire's nest a few states across and with a steeled determination packs her bags and is on her way.

xxxxxx

Meg…of all the demons to capture them and on the day his wife had decided on staying behind.

This was just…freaking peachy!

xxxxxx

Six.

Six vampires and one machete. Six vampires, one machete and she won.

Standing in the midst of all the blood and wreckage she ignored the cut pulsing on her forehead and fell to her knees, relief and tears washing over her.

xxxxxx

"Sam. We were going to name him Sammy." She whispers when Castiel shows up at her motel room.

The angel thins its lips, tilts its head to the side in that way that she hadn't seen in far too long and vanishes.

xxxxxx

Castiel agrees to help Sam because he…missed them. While the angel had been gone he'd missed them.

Cas had missed the eldest Winchester's almost cruel practical jokes and Sam's (soulful Sam, sweet, nice Sam's) reassurances and smiles and her warmth and love.

And Cas missed the trust they used to have in each other. The trust he was going to soon lose if he kept going the path he was going.

xxxxxx

(Cas doesn't like Meg.

The demon's mean and evil and cruel and manipulative and smirks too much and…

…And is basically everything _she's_ not).

xxxxxx

He's trying. He really is but Jesus Christ, stupidity seemed to come from both sides of the family!

xxxxxx

He glanced over at Cas and smirked.

God he wished his wife was here to see her angel get his first boner…

…Okay, even in his head that sounded wrong.

xxxxxx

Castiel tells him because the angel…they're his family and if Sam…if something happened…the angel's not so sure he'd be able to forgive himself.

(And maybe, just maybe because Cas is the one to blame).

xxxxxx

Okay, it's going to be okay because they have a plan and they're ready and damn it…getting captured by Samuel and being left to die…not part of the plan.

xxxxxx

Crowley's dead.

The demon's dead and gone and they're free and…

…And the body still doesn't have its soul back.

xxxxxx

He tries to have compassion for the angel because she needs Castiel and he needs him too though he won't admit it because Cas had pulled him out and had healed him and had fought by his side and damn it…he's not all that sure what'll happen if somehow, Castiel dies while up at war and they have no way of knowing.

xxxxxx

He comes back to her alone and she's there, smiling and feeling good and liberated and then he tells her that he wants to die and he barely has time to duck before she's flinging the nightstand's alarm clock at his head.

xxxxxx

She stays behind because although it's not permanent and it's not a big deal, it _is_ a big deal and she can't…she just can't watch him die again.

She can't. She won't.

xxxxxx

It's okay.

It's okay that he's dying alone again because he gets it, he does.

If she was dying he wouldn't want to see either…but he'd be there because he'd want her to _know_ he was there.

xxxxxx

(Death for a day? In exchange for Sammy's soul? In a heartbeat, every time).

xxxxxx

When he returns to Bobby's to find his wife pacing and the body scowling blankly and Bobby drinking…he can't help but want to steal that bottle away and down it in a second.

xxxxxx

("Death."

"Yep."

"You're Death."

"Yes."

"Death. You. For the day."

"Why do you sound so shocked? Don't think I can do it?"

"…No comment.")

xxxxxx

She leaves because she can't be around them while impostor's there and Bobby's head is off somewhere and she misses her home and the empty nursery and she just needs a reminder of what they're fighting so hard for.

xxxxxx

Sam (**_body impostor NOT Sam_**) calls Balthazar down because he'll be freaking damned if he's getting that stupid soul stuffed back in.

xxxxxx

Okay. Being Death sucks. Hard.

xxxxxx

Bobby sighed as he glanced around the house, searching carefully for the younger Winchester.

This was _not_ how the older hunter had been planning on spending his Friday.

xxxxxx

She gets home, turns on all the lights, brings her sheets over to the guest room/nursery and falls asleep with a tub of ice cream in her lap.

xxxxxx

(_Kristy_, although being the one to break her in didn't stick around for long. Though the redhead did return for the occasional peeling, she was eventually passed off to others, shuffled around as they did their best to torture and break and harm.

They didn't succeed though. She clutched her humanity tight and as soon as it was possible, flew right out of Hell).

xxxxxx

He does it because maybe there is a purpose and maybe it is important and maybe, he was wrong this time around.

xxxxxx

He comes back just in time to save Bobby and while he's grateful for that, he can't help but wonder why she isn't there.

xxxxxx

She gets the call an hour later and is back at Bobby's almost immediately, hands shaking and eyes burning.

"This…it'll fix him right. Because the wall has to hold. Right?"

No one answers.

xxxxxx

He calls Cas down a few hours later.

"She kissed you."

The angel pressed its lips together and nodded. "She did."

"You let her."

"I did."

"…Look," he ran his fingers through his hair tiredly. He could feel Sam in the panic room and his wife upstairs freaking and he was just _tired_. "I get it. I do. You guys have one of the most weird, messed up, dependent things I have ever seen. Which is really saying something saying considering Sam and me. I know she needs you and I know you need her but…she loves you and don't take advantage of that."

"I would – "

"Don't." He interrupted. "The only reason I'm not beating the shit out of you is because it won't do my bones any good and she needs you. We both know she wants you here. Now, I want you here too. You're…you're family but she comes first. And I need you to know that if something like this…I'll find a way to make you stay gone."

Cas nodded, head bowed.

xxxxxx

When Sammy comes upstairs her eyes start to burn.

The moose goes to him first, and they hold each other tight and then it was Bobby and that was awkward at best and then her turn.

She clutched the taller man tight to her chest, nails digging into that stupid shirt of his and shaggy hair scratching her neck and damn it, she'd promised herself she wouldn't cry.

(Sammy's home).

xxxxxx

She stays still in the passenger seat, fighting the painful urge to glance behind herself. But it's okay. Because Sammy's home and impostor's gone and they're all going to be okay.

(Except there are still nights when she wakes up sobbing for her lost baby and her almost always missing angel).

"So…you guys never tried did you?" Sam spoke up, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Tried?" she asked, eyes scanning the windows.

"To go live a life. You know, that little promise you made me."

"…We did. We did try." She whispered. "We got married. Got a house. Got jobs. We…we tried."

"Well then – "

He answers this time, cranking up the background music: "Things didn't work out."

xxxxxx

(She avoids Sam's eyes for the next few hours because the sight of his bright eyes and soft smile only serve to remind her of what they'd lost).

xxxxxx

She rolls her eyes as her husband continues to scan Penny's diary because come on, only he would do that.

xxxxxx

(Dear God she is soooo glad she's no longer a virgin).

xxxxxx

Dragons…scaly, fire-breathing, flying dragons…and here she'd thought she'd heard it all with Jesse.

xxxxxx

Sam can see it. The younger Winchester has never been anything less than brilliant and the fact that he was able to read his siblings like the back of his hand just adds to the observations.

Sam sees her trying to cling onto the always seeming too fragile pieces of their relationship. Sam sees his brother trying to breathe and fight for the always seeming threatened fragments of their relationship. Sam sees how tired she is and knows there's something she's hiding. Sam sees how lonely he is and knows that it's his fault because he'd jumped and left his brother with a girlfriend half in love with him and half in love with an angel. Sam sees how hard they're both trying to be hard for his sake and Sam can see that although him being back helps, it's also killing them.

Sam's killing them.

xxxxxx

Dr. Visyak? She might be a little old (been around since 1322, _hello_?) but she was very good with names. And aliases. Very good.

And Dr. Visyak? Yeah, that one she remembers just fine.

xxxxxx

As soon as the door opens and the blonde creature laid eyes on the blonde demon she knew she was right.

"Elle. Hey, it's been a while." She grinned as she pushed her way inside.

xxxxxx

She stood to the side, ignored his curious gaze and Elle's warning glare.

When his back was turned she rolled her eyes and sighed, "Don't worry Elle. He won't be hearing it from me…but what's this about you and Bobby?"

It was Elle's turn to sigh and roll her eyes. "What's this about you and hazel eyes over there?"

"…Touché."

xxxxxx

(She'd met Elle between the five-day interval that it took her to get to Sam.

She'd been adjusting to her newly reformed body and had been getting used to hygiene and she'd ran into her while researching.

"You must be Eleanor." She'd chuckled, fighting against the blade pressed to her throat.

"You must be Ruby." Elle replied, keeping said blade pressed tightly to said demon's skin.

And the rest, from there, was history).

xxxxxx

Sam calls Cas because Cas is still Cas (as in love with his sister as the angel might be; the poor thing was still a terrible liar) and he needed to know.

xxxxxx

Only he would end up blowing the poor Sword of Brunswhatever into pieces. Only he.

xxxxxx

She stays behind because as tough and awesome as she is, she does not do sewers, not anymore.

xxxxxx

They come back to her tired and bruised and awkward and all she can do is lay her hand against Sam's cheek because she needs her brother to know she's there.

xxxxxx

(Purgatory…of course, what else would it freaking be? And why not add the goddamn Mother of All, while you're at it!)

xxxxxx

They go to Bobby's and Sam takes the couch because neither can bring themselves to tell him about the empty room in their own home or who'd the room had been for.

They fall into bed together and that night, he's the one soothing the nightmares away.

xxxxxx

(She met Crowley just after _Kristy_.

The demon had been creative. Oh, had the demon been creative but he hadn't been the best. That'd been Alastair, which is something she'll never, in a million years tell her husband.

No, Crowley hadn't been the best, but he'd been the most creative.

The demon alternated between peeling off her skin and fingernails slowly, nibbling at her flesh and carving his name over and over into her skin.

Crowley passed the time with stories of a small grey-eyed boy who never got to know his sister. He told her stories of a surface world where things were worse and people murdered and maimed for the most tedious things. He told her stories of Hell and all that awaited her.

_Kristy_ might have been the one to break her in, but it'd been Crowley who had **broken** her).

xxxxxx

A few days later while her boys go off to answer the text message from _Mr. X_ she calls down Castiel and smiles softly.

"How can I be of service?"

xxxxxx

She learns quickly that looking for God is nowhere near the same as trying to fight an angelic war. Castiel leaves her with an angel blade, information to look up, names to cross reference, weapons to locate and a list of possible roaming angels to watch out for.

She should have gone to Bristol.

xxxxxx

It happens while they're driving.

"Dean…you and Ruby…did something else happen? While you guys were, trying to be normal?"

He tightened his grip on the Impala's steering wheel as flashes of a growing baby and a moss green room and a crumpled ultrasound picture hit his mind.

"No. Nothing else."

xxxxxx

(Remiel: living off in Cuba while running errands for Raphael.

Dead.

Put up a fight sure, strong as freaking hell but having demonic strength paired with an angel's Grace burning inside of you…kinda gives you an unfair advantage).

xxxxxx

Sam smiles awkwardly at the pretty girl because the last time someone had looked at him like that he'd gotten laid. Repeatedly.

xxxxxx

He smirks at the roommate because the last image he needs in his mind is the body screwing some random chick.

xxxxxx

(Well, this is just great! The last time Sam been arrested, a demon army had come for him, his sister had almost sacrificed herself and his brother had gotten shot…dear God Sam _hates_ jail cells).

xxxxxx

He opens his phone, pauses, before closing it again. If she wanted to call, she would.

xxxxxx

Sam rubbed his forehead and sighed against the memories, desperate to keep his calm and not alarm his brother. If he knew that the memories were returning…things wouldn't be so calm anymore.

xxxxxx

(But the memories keep coming anyways because nothing _ever_ came easy to a Winchester).

xxxxxx

He keeps his eyes on his brother because he just got Sammy back and if something breaks that wall…he isn't sure he'll be able to survive this time, wife or not.

xxxxxx

She knows she volunteered for this. She does. But freaking hell…she did _not_ sign up for running around the damn jungle, leg bleeding, ribs sore and a crazed, fallen angel on her ass.

Castiel owed her soooo many fries.

xxxxxx

Sam…did it.

It was him.

Sam shot them all and used Roy as bait and was mean and cold and soulless and…

…And it might have been the body to his brother and impostor to his sister but it'd been him. It had.

xxxxxx

In the end Sam doesn't blame Brenna. When the brunette closes the doors in his face, the only feelings coursing through the younger Winchester's veins were shame and guilt.

xxxxxx

He clutches his comatose little brother tight because he just got Sammy back and damn it, he **won't** survive this time. He won't.

xxxxxx

She gets back home late, throws her bloody and dirty coat down on the floor and collapses on the couch.

Two minutes later she rushing up the stairs and heaving over the open toilet.

xxxxxx

He won't push. He won't. When he came back, he didn't talk to anyone (except her) about Hell and the things he saw, the things he did, the things they did to him, the things he remembered and the things that still haunted his dreams.

He didn't talk to anyone (liar).

So if Sammy wants to bottle it up, then, whatever. He didn't care…he didn't. As long as it kept the wall up, Sam could shove it all down to his stomach.

xxxxxx

He doesn't like the college. It's clean and nice and shiny and…it reminds him of what it could have been like in eighteen years had things gone the way they should have.

xxxxxx

(Sam rolls his eyes when his brother rejects the call from his sister.

_It's the freaking apocalypse all over again_).

xxxxxx

She sighed and scowled down at the phone in her left hand. "Freaking Winchester."

She looked at her right hand and scowled even deeper at the thin stick.

xxxxxx

Killer dolls? Okay, yeah, as if his life wasn't weird enough as it was, let's add psychotic dolls to the list!

xxxxxx

He gives in and answers the phone the next time she calls.

He sighs and tries his best to keep patience in his tone: "Hey – "

"I'll let the fact that you ignored six of my calls slide if you get your ass home now."

"Ruby I'm working a job." He whispered, throwing looks back over his shoulder at Sam. "Hey, are you crying?"

Snarl. "No…just get back here."

xxxxxx

"Sam, I can't just drop everything and – "

"She's my sister, yeah you can." Sam scowled, shoving him into the Impala.

"Sam – "

"She's your wife." Sam tried again and shut the door with a smile when he didn't protest this time around.

xxxxxx

Sam smiles through the interview and asks all the right questions but all that he can think about is his brother and his sister having another falling out and no one left to take the blame except one little blue-eyed angel.

xxxxxx

He lets himself into the house, pauses and smiles at the familiar furniture. The familiar too big television he'd convinced her to buy with a small pout; the familiar small dollar coffee table she'd just had to have; familiar…everything. He stays by the doorway, leans against the door and closes his eyes.

It felt…it felt **amazing** to be home.

Home.

He smirks lightly. There'd been a time when that word would have only meant Sam.

Now he has a home. An actual, physical home; a place to call his own and wow did that feel good.

xxxxxx

He goes upstairs to find his wife glaring at a thin stick on the floor of the guest room/nursery.

He stopped, opened his mouth and then closed it. He scratched at his eyebrow absently before he opened it again: "Ruby is that – "

"I threw up. A lot. And I haven't been able to eat a single French fry in…I don't even know how long." She looks up at him with a blank look in her eyes. "I um," she paused and sighed. "I haven't taken it yet. I thought you'd want to be here."

He drops down on his knees before her, clasps her hands in his and smiles lightly.

xxxxxx

(Sam loves his siblings. Sam does. Sam** loves**his brother. Sam **loves** his sister. They're…they're everything to him. Besides Bobby, they are all that's left.

Mom died. Jess died. Dad died. Madison died. Ash died. Ellen died. Jo died. Pam died. Everyone just _dies_.

Except them. And Sam loves them. So, so much.

But Sam also hates them. Sam hates that they leave him alone to deal with stupid dicks that play pranks on innocent girls because they're having marital problems. Marital problems that are partly to blame on an angel who probably doesn't even know what damage it's causing. Marital problems that are going to end up ruining them all.

Sam loves his siblings. Sam **loves** his brother. Sam **loves** his sister. They're _everything_ to him.

Sam loves them. But Sam also hates them).

xxxxxx

He holds her hand as they wait for the timer to go off. He holds it tight and close to his chest and tries to remember how to breathe because this is it. The moment that could make up for all the pain and heartache and torture and everything. The moment that could take away that pain; that suffocating, numbing burn that'd been residing inside of his heart for his entire life. The moment that could give him a family. A family to call his own.

A little baby made from him and her and…

The timer went off.

She gave him a small, timid smile before picking up the stick. He kept his eyes on her, monitoring her reaction. This. Was. It.

She gave his hand a small squeeze before glancing back up, newly formed sadness making its way into her eyes.

"Oh."

xxxxxx

(She lets him throw out the pregnancy test and carry her to their bedroom without a single protest. She lets him shut the lights and pile up the pillows and make sure she's okay.

It's only when he's covered her up and is getting ready to head downstairs that she grabs his hand and stops him. "Dean…I, I wanted…we can do this, right? We can have a family? We deserve it?" Her voice cracks several times and her hands are trembling and her eyes are so, _so,_ **so sad**and she feels…she feels like someone just poured boiling holy water over her intestines and left her out to _die._

He wiped away his tears quickly. "We deserve it all." He pressed a small kiss to her temple before leaving).

xxxxxx

Sam calls his brother six times. Then his sister eight. Then both of them one more time just for the hell of it.

Someone better be…dead or something for them to be ignoring the calls.

xxxxxx

Sam holds Isabel close as the blonde dies in his arms.

Sam watches Rose go up in flames and disappear into nothing as the sister (the innocent, kind sister) dies in his arms.

Sam really hates his brother and sister right about then.

xxxxxx

He returns to her an hour later after he's done throwing out his secret stash of beer bottles he'd had Bobby sneak in a few weeks ago. He slips into bed with his wife, takes her into his arms and showers kisses along her neck and temple.

"I love you. And I loved our unborn baby and I'll love our future kids because we'll have more hot sex," she sighed and he smirked, "and we'll have lots of kids and we'll raise them normal and we won't hunt because they deserve parents who aren't half dead and we'll be happy. Isn't that what you told me? Back when I was drowning in liquor and grief? You told me that we were going to get through it and be happy and have kids and protect them and that we deserve it. We deserve more."

After a moment of hesitation she clears her throat and sighs, "We deserve more."

He grinned weakly and pressed one more kiss to her neck. "Damn right we do."

xxxxxx

Sam goes to Bobby's first.

The older hunter sighs only and passes him a slip of paper with an address on it.

xxxxxx

(_Wow_. That is the only thought going through Sam's mind as he stands before the small white two-story house.

This was it.

This was their home. The place his siblings had tried to make a life for themselves in. The place his siblings built their new lives around. The place where he didn't fit. Sam didn't fit inside of this part of their life and…and he wasn't sure if he was all that okay with that).

xxxxxx

He opens the door to see Sammy standing there with his duffle and a sad, tired frown. "Isabel died. Rose was…Isabel had Rose's kidney and she ended up dead too, along with the other dicks."

He opened the door wider and let his baby brother inside.

xxxxxx

Sam goes upstairs and bends down on the floor in front of his tired sister.

"Ruby, hey, Ruby. You awake?"

A few seconds passed before her eyes began to flutter open and the utter tiredness in them sends Sam to his knees.

"Sammy, you're here." She breathed, glossed lips forming a _tired_ smirk.

"Are you – "

"We were having a baby." She whispered, eyes glazed over and _sad_.

"Wh – what?"

"A baby. I was pregnant and we lost it. I lost our baby and today – today I thought I had…I thought –" A sad chuckle ripped through her throat, cutting off any other words.

Without another sound Sam got up and climbed over his sister, wrapping her in his arms.

xxxxxx

After Sam's gone and her husband's asleep downstairs a small flutter fills the room.

Silence.

"Was it destiny? Or part of the grand plan? Was it because we stopped the apocalypse and it screwed up the balance or whatever? Was it our fault?"

Castiel thinned his lips and lied down besides her stiffly. She rolled over and sighed, "I could never keep a baby. When I was Caroline. I mean I could, I'd give birth and it'd be so beautiful but it could never make it past the first hour. I tried so hard but I couldn't and I don't understand _why_. Is it, is it because I'm a demon and I can't make good babies? Is it my genes, I mean, it's me isn't it? This body isn't even technically real. It's my old body but it didn't work for much when I was alive so it shouldn't work now, right? Right?"

Castiel said nothing still as she reached over with shaky hands and tried to weakly sucker punch him. The angel grasped her hands in his and shook his head. "Ruby."

She closed her eyes briefly and when she opened them again they were filled with tears. "Castiel. _Please_."

"I…I don't know what you're asking. I don't understand what you want. I **don't understand**."

She nodded and as the tears began to make their way down her cheek she leaned her face against his suit. "I don't understand either."

Castiel nodded and released her hands, letting her finish the punch and then proceed to wrap her arms tight around it because that was what she did. "They made it to Heaven. They're all there."

She smiled lightly with wobbling lips and nodded slowly. "I love you too." She whispered after a while against the tears.

"But not like – "

"Not like you need."

"…Sleep." The angel pressed a single kiss to the middle of her forehead (slightly to the left of course) and closed his eyes along with hers.

xxxxxx

(When she wakes up the next morning instead of trench coat covered arms she's alone and with tear stained cheeks).

xxxxxx

After a few days have passed and she's all glued back together she hops out of bed and drags her boys over to Bobby because she's Ruby and she's strong and she needs her Bobby.

xxxxxx

But then Balthazar shows up with those eyes that are so much like David's and she feels like drowning again…

…And then Balthazar was sending them off to God only knows where through a freaking window.

xxxxxx

(_Jared Padalecki?_

_Jensen Ackles?_

_Katie Cassidy?_

_What the…?_)

xxxxxx

Okay, she's seen some weird shit. Some, really, _really_ weird shit during her over extended lifetime but a television show? Based on their lives? Who would want to watch their mess of a life?

This was one seriously sick and fucked up universe.

xxxxxx

(And apparently there, Castiel was a weird dude named Misha with a really clear voice…huh, who knew?)

xxxxxx

He smiles at the trailer and the freaking mini-aquarium and the helicopter and dear God this is all way too much for his head right now.

xxxxxx

She tries not to laugh as the Impala or whatever it is breaks down because he loves the damn thing and she likes it just fine but freaking Christ this is getting ridiculous!

xxxxxx

Sam's, no Jared, **no** Sam's – whatever – house is wow. The dude has a freaking tanning bed in his living room and an alpaca and oh dear God her brother married _Kristy_!

xxxxxx

While her boys are being idiots and probably putting poor Jared into debt she looks herself up and wow, is she young. Like really young…

…Huh…she wishes.

xxxxxx

(She likes Gen. She does. Gen seems like a really nice girl and all that but the wounds are still far too fresh for her own good so if Gen keeps smiling at her, she's going to break someone's jaw).

xxxxxx

Her acting? Not bad. She'd always been a good liar and apparently she can act pretty well but her boys? No. Painfully no.

And watching Misha act like Castiel without really being Castiel? Yeah, not fun.

xxxxxx

(She **needs** Castiel. She **needs** her best friend).

xxxxxx

She will not panic. No. She won't. Just because magic and the supernatural don't exist in this universe didn't mean they were screwed…it didn't.

xxxxxx

(She offers Misha a piece of a Kit-Kat and when the happy man shakes his head and says "no thanks Katie-pie" she feels her chest start to ache).

xxxxxx

She watches Misha walk off set in that horrible sweater of his and can't help but clutch at her collarbone, hoping, begging, pleading for _something_.

Nothing.

xxxxxx

He watches her watch Misha walk off set and hold her collarbone.

He never asked what was there. He remembered the pure Grace radiating off of it when she'd brought him back from the edge, being pulled from Hell by an angel having its perks but he just didn't understand how.

She was a demon. The grace should have killed her, not stayed. And who put it there anyways? Because the only time Cas would have had any chance to do anything that powerful was…well, never.

xxxxxx

After her boys have quit and ranted she turns to Bob and frowns and asks because she _needs_ to know.

"Bob…the, the Ruby and Castiel storyline…what's up with that?"

Bob smirked. "Nothing like unrequited love now is there?"

A flutter of hope began in her chest. "So, Dean's Ruby's love? He's her endgame?"

Bob smirked. "…Katie, sweetie, if I told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise now would it?"

"I need – I need to know. I know that Dean's her soul mate and all that but why bring in Castiel like that? Wouldn't it have made sense to pair him and Dean as best friends instead? Why complicate things?"

Bob frowned at this and paused. The producer met her gaze head on and shrugged. "Well…I suppose it was needed. Ruby loves her boys yeah but she needed a home. Dean might be her endgame but Castiel is her home."

She smirked lightly, hope strong and walked right out.

xxxxxx

She hates Gen.

The moment the nice brunette walked out and told them Misha was dead she _hated_ her.

xxxxxx

She leans against the brick wall and tries to breathe but she can't because not even twenty feet away is Castiel's body or Jimmy's or Misha's, whatever but it looks like her angel so it hurts as if it were her angel.

When her husband tries to calm her down she snarls and moves away. "Ruby, that's, that's not – "

"I know! I know it's not Castiel but it sure looks a hell of a lot like him so excuse me for being upset that my best friend is lying just behind me with his throat slit! Back. Off."

He backs off.

xxxxxx

In the end they make it back because, well, was there ever really another option?

xxxxxx

She wants to be mad. She does. She wants to be mad that Castiel used them likes pawns and that the angel's not even sorry but all she can do is rush over to him and hold her angel tight before he has to disappear on her again.

xxxxxx

They go home that night and as soon as her boys are asleep she grabs the Impala's keys and is gone.

xxxxxx

She makes it to the edge of South Dakota before her phone starts to ring and she's forced to pick it up.

"Honey, before you freak out – "

"Where is she?"

"Dean – "

"Ruby where. Is. My. Baby?"

xxxxxx

When he gets to her she's fiddling with the radio and lowering the volume.

She sighed as he got inside, his eyes shooting daggers into her skull. "Relax, your car's fine."

"I wasn't – Ruby damn it, it is _not_ okay to go off like that." He sighed, leaning back into the passenger seat.

She scowled, "What, afraid I'll slit my wrists?"

"Will you?" He means to come off teasing but she can see the fear in his eyes so she turned away from his gaze and focused on changing the radio station. He caught her hand in his.

"Are you okay?" He whispered and the sincerity in his voice had her looking back up.

"I want to get married." She blurted, eyes focused on his amulet and nowhere else.

"Um sweetheart, pretty sure we already are married."

"A real wedding. With Sammy there and Castiel. I want what's left of the family there." She raised her eyes to his and sighed in relief at the glint of happiness in his.

"You going to take my last name this time?"

She paused, smirking lightly. "Well Ruby Winchester does have a nice ring to it."

He chuckled at this and he looked so light and happy and free that she had to say it. He had to know.

"I love you. You're my soul mate, my endgame. You know that, right? There's no one else for me and I know that Castiel worries you but don't let it because _you_ are my husband and the one I go home to. I love you."

Silence.

"Ruby…what did Bob say to you, when you stayed behind, before we came back?"

She thinned her lips and shook her head. "What I already know."

He didn't look all that convinced but if there was one thing a Winchester was good at it was turning a blind eye. "Well I love you too and I'm going to marry you in Lawrence and you're going to wear a big puffy dress, not that sundress you used last time and I'm going to get Sam drunk and embarrassed and see if I can get Cas hooked up."

She smirked as she crawled into his lap, wrapping her arms tight around his neck. She leaned her forehead to his and sighed at the warmth enveloping her. She belonged there, right there in his arms. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." He replied airily, grinning right back as he slipped his hands into her jacket and onto her bare hips.

"Then…what's our song?"

"Song?" He asked, stopping the circular motions he'd been previously making on her skin.

"Yeah. Our song. You know, the one we dance to and cry at whenever we hear it and all that crap. We need a song." The grin she shot him was a cheeky one.

He frowned before reaching over and turning up the radio volume. He scowled for a second before shrugging lightly. "There's our song."

She raised a single eyebrow. "This?"

He nodded, trailing his fingertips along her smooth stomach.

"No Zeppelin? No Sabbath? No Kansas or Metallica? You want this?"

He nodded once more.

She paused before shrugging as well. "Whatever…I kinda like it."

"One of us better." He muttered before raising the volume a bit more and pressing his lips to hers.

xxxxxx

(_"__Oh simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. So tell me when you're gonna let me in; I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. And if you have a minute why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know. This could be the end of everything so why won't we go somewhere only we know?__"_)

xxxxxx

Sam's siblings come back to their house around nine in the morning with messy hair and rumpled clothes and Sam can only continue to munch on the waffles and bacon before him.

xxxxxx

("Hey guys, what's that room?" Sam asks because he doesn't know any better.

She sighs, crosses her arms and looks away. "The guest room.")

xxxxxx

("How, how are you not mad? The damn douchebag used us like puppets."

"He's fighting a civil war against his _family_, for us. For humanity, in case you're forgetting. He's cold and distant because that's the only way he'll be able to get anything done. Did you know he killed five of his brothers this week? That's five Sammy's."

"…"

"Didn't think so; don't you dare judge him.")

xxxxxx

When they return to Bobby's the hunter's restocked with booze (for Sam of course) and has a hunt for them.

She wants to help, she does. She feels for the poor wife, she does but she felt more for her poor angel.

xxxxxx

He kisses her temple when she gives him her "come home to me" and can't find it in himself to be mad because he gets it now. Or at least he thinks he does.

Cas is her family.

Cas is her home, like Sam used to be his and if she needs to be there, well, he might not understand it all that well but he knows she needs to be there.

xxxxxx

She goes home, grabs her list, research, knife (hers _and_ Jo's because she can never seem to hunt anything without it these days) and her jacket.

_Sariel. Greenland._

She put down her jacket and grabbed her coat.

xxxxxx

Bobby thins his lips at Rufus because as much as the older hunter hated to admit it, they could use the help…and she would most likely get pissed if she found out Rufus had been available but they hadn't taken the help.

xxxxxx

It was a baby.

The angel, Sariel, a baby. Well, nine years old but it still had baby fat so whatever.

She's smart, okay, she is. She has an angel as a best friend, she knows almost all there is to know about angels and Heaven and she _knows_ it's just a vessel but…its eyes…its small body…

…She almost doesn't make it out of there because she's too busy gazing into those intelligent grey eyes.

xxxxxx

Despite the fact that his wife is off chasing angels for another angel he still smiles at the sight of Rufus because there were few constants in his life and dear God it was good to see one of those few.

xxxxxx

Okay he liked Gwen he did. He'd liked Gwen well enough and he hadn't meant to kill her but…he honestly wasn't feeling all that guilty.

xxxxxx

Seeing Samuel? Not on his to-do list.

Killing Samuel? Okay…he sort of wished Sam would have let _him_ do it.

xxxxxx

Once she's done with the research she calls down Castiel and gets a skinny blonde instead.

xxxxxx

She loves Castiel. She _loves_ Castiel. It took her a long time to realize that she only loved the blue-eyed angel like she does Sammy but love is love and Rachel?

Rachel she did not love.

But she'd put up with her because the angel was Castiel's family and that made the annoying blonde _her_ family.

xxxxxx

Sam watches his brother watch Rufus who's being watched by Bobby who's being watched by Rufus who's being watched by his brother who's being watched by Sam and…

…It was all getting really awkward.

xxxxxx

They shock Bobby over and over and don't look at Rufus because it was just one more body that they'd have to tell her they were burying.

xxxxxx

(She opens the door to their solemn faces and feels her heart sink yet again because it was starting to seem like the deaths were now just lining up).

xxxxxx

She takes the Johnny Walker Blue from Bobby after the funeral's done and clutches it tight to her chest.

xxxxxx

She wakes up three days later to Ellen cooking in Bobby's kitchen, on the phone and she beams at the sight of this.

"Jo!" She exclaimed, rushing over and snatching the phone away.

The retired hunter glared at the blond demon as she walked away with the phone, chattering away.

"You're both going to talk your tongues off one of these days!" Ellen called after her retreating figure.

xxxxxx

She sits besides Bobby because her boys are being all awkward and Ellen's busy and she misses Rufus too.

xxxxxx

She runs her hands along the Mustang's leather seats and can't shake off the strong feeling that she's missing something _big_.

xxxxxx

He watches her pause and shiver and can't shake off the faint feeling that he's forgetting something _huge_.

xxxxxx

Sam watches his brother watch his sister and can't shake off the feeling that he just witnessed something important.

xxxxxx

Bobby grumbles and sighs but smirks lightly when Ellen's back is turned because as long as that Harvelle was around, things would be alright.

xxxxxx

(She does the research and looks up the information and does the infuriating interviews and can't help but glance out the window of the Mustang that's been their home for the past five years and wonder what it was she was missing).

xxxxxx

(_Titanic? What the…sounds like a really bad chick-flick movie_)_._

xxxxxx

And it's Balthazar…of course it is.

xxxxxx

_"You have me confused with the other angel – you know, the one in the dirty trench coat who's in love with you."_

She shook off the comment because she was just so _sick_ of everyone bringing that up! It was a little fling while her and that shortbus of a Winchester had been split up and it'd lasted all but five months and it was in the past so they needed to just _stop_ brining it up.

xxxxxx

Fate. Great. As if they weren't on bad enough terms as it was.

xxxxxx

She watches Castiel closely because although she'd seen him not even twenty hours ago…there was something _missing._

She touches her collarbone lightly and **knew** something was missing.

xxxxxx

(Ellen holds Bobby's hand tight because she can feel it in the air.

Death was coming and it was coming soon).

xxxxxx

She wakes up in her own bed to an empty kitchen and an alone Bobby and a burning collarbone and it **_hurts_**.

xxxxxx

("So you and Cas…"

"Dean. It was an alternate timeline. It wasn't real and it's not what's going on now."

"I know…was he hotter in bed than me?"

Thud.

"Ow! Son of a bitch, woman!")

xxxxxx

She calls Castiel down, presses his palms against her collarbone and sighs.

xxxxxx

He goes to her because Sam doesn't remember and Bobby never knew and she needed a voice in the decision.

"Ruby…we have a lead."

"Awesome. Where to?" She asked, already standing and ready to go.

"…Mark. The Campbells. We have a lead and Sam can't…he doesn't know anymore so… did – did Mark ever tell you anything about well, anything."

Pause.

"…There was, there was this library hidden in Samuel's office. He t-took me there to show me some books once…if nowhere else, the information we need will be there."

xxxxxx

(She runs her fingertips along the old books and tries to remember that small, beautiful smile that had been so rare, but so worth it).

xxxxxx

A Phoenix…that's just, that's just great because those are always wandering around!

xxxxxx

She watches Rachel hand them back their asses because she can't do it since they're hers and Castiel is hers too and she's getting tired off being in the middle of those three.

xxxxxx

She stays behind because someone has to be here to deal with the collateral damage and no one else is going to do it.

xxxxxx

("Come home to me."

"Don't I always?"

"…No."

"Whatever, pass me my sarape."

"…It's a blanket."

"…Yeah, whatever.")

xxxxxx

He frowned down at his sarape and sighed. It was **_not_** a blanket. It wasn't.

xxxxxx

Sam stares at the ashes blankly and sighs because he _really_ wishes his sister were here.

xxxxxx

Castiel stares down at Rachel's vessel and wishes more than anything that she was there to clutch at his arm.

xxxxxx

She's eating a tub of ice cream and skimming Mark's apparent journal (because someone had to remember the quiet blonde and there was no one else left but her) when Castiel appears by her feet, wounded and bleeding.

xxxxxx

She slices her wrists and draws all the sigils from memory and takes care of her angel and ignores Bobby and she hasn't had a panic attack in a while but it was never too late right?

xxxxxx

He smirks down at his badge and sighs. If his wife could see him now…

xxxxxx

Sam thins his lips at Samuel because _Jesus_, he'd thought Bobby was grouchy.

xxxxxx

She loves Castiel. She does. But so help her, that angel was so…stubborn sometimes she just wanted to bash in Jimmy's brains with a mallet.

"Castiel."

"No."

"Damn it, Castiel, listen to me – "

"No."

"Um Ruby maybe you should – " They both turned to Bobby and growled: "Stay out of this!"

"You need a soul. I have a soul. Take it."

"Barely. You barely have one and even then, it's a tarnished and damaged one."

"…I'm going to pretend you didn't just call me tarnished and damaged because I love you so I'm letting you touch my damn soul!"

"Ruby – "

She growled and rushed forward, dropping on her knees and pressing his hands against her collarbone hard. They both shuddered at the intensity of bliss and flames circling through their system.

"That right there," she whispers, voice harsh and shallow. "Is your Grace. Your Grace that you gave me for…I don't even know why. But what I do know is that it's in me and it's tangled with my soul and it's not letting go any time soon so if you try to touch my soul, it. Will. Still. Be. There."

"…"

"Castiel. _Please_."

xxxxxx

He sympathizes with Elias, he does. But he also needs to get back home to his wife and his life so he puts his game face on and holds out the Colt.

xxxxxx

They return to their time ash-less to see a pacing Bobby, a worried angel and a sweaty, pained demon.

xxxxxx

He clutches the ashes tight because they were going to win this time; he could feel it in his bones.

xxxxxx

Before the angel can disappear again she catches its hand and ignores the stares of everyone else in the room.

"Castiel – "

"Don't."

"…I'm sorry. About Rachel."

"…Me too."

"How'd he do it? Raphael?"

"I don't know." The angel whispered before pulling its hand away and disappearing.

xxxxxx

("I'm worried about Castiel."

"Me too sweetheart but what do you want me to do? Order him a prostitute?"

Thud.

"Ow! I was joking!"

"Well I'm not."

"…"

"There's something he's not telling us. About the war, Rachel, everything. Balthazar isn't stupid, he wouldn't have pulled the Titanic stunt for something as small as a crappy movie."

"…I liked the movie."

"No. You like Winslet's – "

"Oh bite me.")

xxxxxx

It's six in the morning when she finishes Mark's journal. It'd been mostly in snippets, little stolen moments the quiet man had found important enough to want to keep. She'd been in there, near the end. She hadn't been mentioned too much but enough for it to hurt.

And she'd been right, Mark was a sweetheart.

xxxxxx

She helps make ash shells because she can tell he's getting restless and she needs him alive in order for the wedding to happen.

xxxxxx

She kind of pities the poor vampire.

She remembers her days in Hell all too well and she can still feel the shame and guilt of giving in to her baser instincts some late nights.

And that pity is exactly why she rushes forward as soon as she sees Castiel moving.

"No!" But it was too late, Lenore was gone and Castiel was left standing there, grim faced and if she wasn't mistaken, a little bit smug.

xxxxxx

(She'd never liked Oregon before, some weird quirk of hers.

Now she _really_ doesn't like Oregon).

xxxxxx

She skips the punch and wraps her arms around Castiel and holds tight because the angel's now powerless and she isn't sure whom that scares more.

xxxxxx

She scowls at her boys and tells them to "shut the fuck up idjits" when they start to tease her angel. Or well, her husband starts to tease.

Sometimes, she swears she married a teenager.

xxxxxx

She looks away as Marshall dies because she's suddenly oh so very tired of seeing the spilled blood of those who didn't know any better.

xxxxxx

Jefferson Starships…if Castiel had any patience left for his best friend's husband he might have tried to ask the subtext behind the name but the angel had greater things to worry over.

xxxxxx

This whole thing is starting to remind Sam _far_ too much of Henriksen and Nancy for him to be comfortable.

xxxxxx

He notices her winces when she catches sight of Joe and Ryan and can't help but send a silent prayer to whoever was left to listen that it all worked out for them in the end.

xxxxxx

She stays to the side as they argue because she's tired and sad and needs to know that she's useful for more than simple mediation.

xxxxxx

Tears fill her eyes when Castiel walks out of the room, wiping blood away, face stoic and hard.

xxxxxx

She goes in with her boys because they're bigger shortbuses than she originally believed if they really thought she was letting them go alone.

xxxxxx

She closes her eyes the second she hears Crowley's alive because damn it, she **knew** Castiel was hiding something.

xxxxxx

(After she's started the torturing _Kristy_ came back.

"I'm proud of you." The redhead beamed, running bloody fingers through her matted blonde hair. "I told you you could do it."

She didn't look away from where she was cracking a woman's open spline. "I hate you."

"No," _Kristy_ sighed, pressing a tender kiss to her temple. "You love me.")

xxxxxx

When souls are mentioned Sam glances at his sister and remembers the fact that Castiel oh so very recently touched hers and starts to wonder…

xxxxxx

She starts to resist when Castiel's brought in because damn it, no, not him, not while he's still defenseless. Eve **cannot** have her angel.

xxxxxx

She really should have known all that resisting was going to get her bitten…

…Good thing she'd downed her shell before going inside.

xxxxxx

He watches Eve go up in flames before shoving his wife at Cas to heal because if she died…if she died he was going to end up letting her die, bringing her back and then killing her all over again for scaring him half to death!

xxxxxx

She doesn't talk while they argue over Castiel but then they're turning to her and she has to rush out of the room and to the bathroom before she throws up all over their shoes.

xxxxxx

She leans against the toilet bowl, wipes at her lips and sighs because if Castiel did let Crowley go then…she needed to be there for him when her boys started to tear him a new one.

xxxxxx

(Castiel stands besides Crowley shoulders slumped and tired because the angel _knows_ she won't be able to forgive him once she figures it out. Because she's Ruby and she _always_ knows).

xxxxxx

She ignores the accusations because she knows her angel and she knows he would never work with Crowley.

The angel wouldn't. He was the only one who knew her past with Crowley and Castiel…Castiel _wouldn't._

xxxxxx

He watches her brush off the comments and knows it's because she loves the angel but damn it, her ignorance was really starting to piss him off.

xxxxxx

Castiel knows he needs to be the one to tell her. If someone else tells her first…the angel isn't really all that sure he can handle losing her.

xxxxxx

She refuses to lie to her angel and does her best to defend the angelic creature and even threatens bodily harm but none of it does any good because she _knows_ they're right and that hurts so much she has to stop every few minutes and remind herself to breathe.

xxxxxx

Castiel watches her defend him and feels his borrowed heart ache because he knows he doesn't deserve it.

xxxxxx

She stays behind when they go to investigate because demons like Ellsworth brought up far too many memories for her comfort.

But then they return to her and tell her the news and she feels her heart _collapse_ because it was _Castiel_. The one person who was supposed to remain a constant was suddenly too far out of reach.

xxxxxx

_"It's simple: Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it."_

If only things _were_ so simple.

xxxxxx

(The only, the _only_ reason Castiel hadn't gone to her for help had been her husband.

He needed his wife and Castiel was not about to take her away, not to fight a war that wasn't even hers).

xxxxxx

Her hands are shaking and her eyes are itchy but she snatches the holy oil away and makes the circle herself because if it's going to be anyone, it's going to be her.

xxxxxx

Castiel stands in a ring of fire, facing a near-to-tears best friend, a pair of pissed Winchesters and a passive hunter.

He should have known.

xxxxxx

"Castiel, please, j-just, just say it isn't true and I can let you out o-okay? We'll ditch these guys and go grab some c-chocolate, okay?" Her voice cracks and her cheeks are wet but she doesn't care because her best friend just admitted to betraying them and she **_can't_** breathe.

"Ruby – "

"Castiel!"

Silence. The flames flickered.

Sam stepped forward, "Cas please – "

"I was the one who raised you from perdition Sam."

A sob escapes at this and she has to clamp her hand down over her mouth to keep the rest in. "W-why didn't you say anything? Damn it Castiel, let us help you."

"I'm doing this for you."

"Crowley? Of all people, for me?"

The angel has the decency to look away.

"Just, stop. Stop. We can fix this. We can still fix this."

Castiel shook his head sorrowfully and the regret in those deep blue eyes cut through her. "Caroline – "

"Don't."

xxxxxx

When the demons come they have to drag her out of the house screaming and kicking.

xxxxxx

Castiel comes to her while she's nursing a beer out on the porch.

She barely glanced up. "Don't do this." Her voice was dry.

Castiel sat down besides her, touching her shoulder briefly. She leaned into the touch lightly before pulling away. "I need to do what is needed. For you. For Sam and Dean and Bobby. For this world."

"What we need is you." She pleaded. "Please don't do this. Castiel, _please_. Dean might be my soul mate but **you **are my home."

Silence.

Castiel stood, walked a few feet away before glancing back, eyes open and raw.

"You love me."

"Yes."

"…But you won't stay."

"…No."

She glanced down at her bare toes, trying to desperately control the tears before meeting his gaze once more. "Then you know what I have to do."

"…I will do what needs to be done."

"…Then so will I."

xxxxxx

She goes to bed, sobbing her heart out and babbling about stupid angels and he takes her into his arms and holds her tight and fights off tears of his own because he needed her unbroken.

xxxxxx

(That night she falls asleep to her husband's scratchy voice whispering desperate lyrics into her ear: "_…I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. So tell me when you're gonna let me in; I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin._")

xxxxxx

Castiel sits there, on his snowy bench and prays to an unresponsive father because he'd just lost the one thing keeping him whole.

xxxxxx

Since they're all too dense to figure it out she whispers that Castiel had stolen Moishe Campbell's journal.

"How do you know?" Sam asked, eyes now scanning for said book in one of the numerous overflowing piles.

"Because. It's Castiel." She replied, closing her eyes and leaning back against the banister.

xxxxxx

But of course Bobby has a copy because he's Bobby.

xxxxxx

She knew she looked awful. She could feel their pitying eyes on her but couldn't care. She didn't care that she was pale and white and her voice was small and cracked or that she didn't even have the strength to stand.

xxxxxx

She finds the strength to stand when they start to make threats.

"No."

"If we can't stop it – "

"Him! Castiel! You know, our **friend**."

"Ruby, if it comes down to it – "

"No one is killing anyone! We'll save him!"

"He doesn't want to be saved!"

"Neither did Sam."

Silence.

"Yeah. I thought so. Make all the comments you want but you know we did everything to save Sam and it worked. So we're saving Castiel."

The front door slammed behind her on her way out.

xxxxxx

She probably should have grabbed a weapon because as soon as she was out in the salvage yard she was being attacked and she found herself to tired to fight back.

xxxxxx

Panic attacks are her thing.

He'd never understood them but he could always tell when they were coming and he'd gotten used to them.

She had the panic attacks. Her. Not him.

Despite this small fact he finds himself trembling and babbling and dear God, had the living room always been this small and only she would get captured at a time like this.

xxxxxx

He summons Balthazar because he knew his wife and she happened to be a weakness for angels and well, Balthazar was pretty useful when need be.

xxxxxx

Then said blonde angel had to go and disappear so he was left with really no option.

xxxxxx

Booby goes and investigates because if he was allowed to stay still the older hunter just might have a panic attack of his own because damn it, that snarky little demon had managed to get into his skin and heart.

xxxxxx

He picks up her knife and sighs at the cool silver with a smile because although he wouldn't say it, he'd missed the blood a bit.

He turned to the tied up demon with a wicked grin.

xxxxxx

Castiel feels rage boil in his borrowed blood because no. Not her. Crowley couldn't have her. **Not again**.

xxxxxx

Castiel goes to him because Ruby was his home too and the angel owed her husband _something_.

But then said husband had to go and suggest that maybe the angel had had something to do with Crowley getting her and before Castiel knew it he had him pressed against the wall, fists clenched in his shirt.

"Don't. You. Dare. I love Ruby. I love her. You are no longer the righteous man Dean, I put up with your antics out of loyalty to her and the friendship I'd believed you and I shared. Make no mistake, she is one of the only reasons I am letting you go now and not locking you away until I am finished."

Castiel dropped him, stepped away and disappeared.

xxxxxx

(She struggles against the binds and fights but in the end she's too tired and too weak to stop them when they strap her down and shove another demon inside of her body).

xxxxxx

Bobby goes to Elle and learns the truth and gets that she'd known and can only think it was fair.

xxxxxx

Balthazar appears in Bobby's kitchen out of nowhere and sighs over at Sam.

"I'll do it…only because Cassy's really startin' to scare me…and for that cute little blonde. Who I found by the way."

xxxxxx

Sam smiles at Balthazar lightly because of course his sister would be the reason for the angel joining them.

xxxxxx

He finds her trapped underneath a devil's trap, beaten and bloody.

He breaks the trap, takes her into his arms and shudders violently from the pure relief in having her close again.

"Ruby." He breathed into her hair, lips pressed against her temple.

A soft, unrecognizable cackle fills the air and he pulls away to see empty black eyes and he _knows_.

"Guess again sweetheart."

xxxxxx

(He loved her black eyes. He'd never tell her that but he did.

Whenever he gazed in them he saw light and warmth and laughter and love.

Whenever he looked into any other black eyes he saw dark and cold and pain and hate.

He loved her black eyes because they reminded him of what was behind them, what was in her remade heart and flowing through her veins. Humanity.

He **loved** her black eyes).

xxxxxx

"Oh come on sweetie, give it your best shot." It taunted.

He hesitated, eyes on the blade pressed to his wife's chest.

"Don't be scared, her meat suit's the insurance. Kind of crowded in here but hey, I like it."

Silence and the slightest movement of feet.

"Ah, ah, ah. Watch it Dean. We wouldn't want this knife to slip now would we?"

"Get out. Now." He growled, fishing his flask slowly out of his pocket.

It smirked softly. "You really want to ruin this pretty little face?"

But he didn't have to because the next thing he knew Castiel was there and snapping the knife away, allowing the breath he'd been holding to escape. He could only watch as the angel spun her around and clutched her forearms tightly, face screwed and pained.

"Out, now."

It shrugged lightly, unbothered by the pressure the angel was applying to her arms. "Make me."

"Get out. Don't make me do it." Castiel demanded, voice filled with power and command.

"I go and I take her with me. Go ahead." It laughed, smile so cruel and unRuby-like that it hurt.

"Cas don't! No, stop!" But his pleads fell to blind ears as Castiel searched the demon's face for a few seconds, flickered his gaze to her chest and then proceeded to place his palm against her forehead, enveloping them both in a pure white light.

xxxxxx

She wakes up to white lights and a sore head. She vaguely recognized the ugly pale ceiling her and Bobby never did get to paint and feels familiar sheets enveloping her body.

"Ruby."

She gazed over at her angel weakly, pain filling her and sighed, "Castiel – "

"I didn't know." The angel paused, gazed down at its hands and then back up at her. "I didn't know it would work. I was eighty-six percent sure. Eighty-six. It could have killed you."

"The Grace saved me." She whispered, "My soul's gotten pretty comfy with it."

"Ruby if it hadn't worked, if my Grace hadn't been latched on to your soul, it would have killed you. I – I would have killed you."

"But you _didn't_."

Castiel sighed, got up from his seat and pressed a single kiss to her forehead (slightly to the middle because that was what the angel did), fingers threaded tightly into her hair. "I love you. I love you so much and I – I will do what needs to be done to keep you safe and happy and with your family."

"_Cas_," she sobbed the tabooed nickname desperately and they both flinched. She gripped the angel's coat sleeve. "You are my family, you are my home. Please. We can fix this." She repeats this over and over because she needs him to believe it as well.

"You're my home too." And then Castiel was gone, leaving her with a tear streaked face and a broken heart.

xxxxxx

He climbs into bed with her when he returns from downstairs and wraps his arms around her tight, pressing desperate kisses along her face and neck.

"He – he could have killed you and I – I c-couldn't do _anything_ and are panic attacks supposed to hurt this much?"

She leaned into his touch and nodded. "He didn't. It worked and I'm here and you're here and you're kind of crushing my lungs so please let go."

He doesn't let go, tightens his hold and falls asleep with his wet cheek pressed into her back.

xxxxxx

Castiel takes Eleanor and tries to ignore the fact that the monster was his home's friend and therefore was his too to some extent.

xxxxxx

It takes her a few days to get her strength back and once she does she goes right back to advocating for Castiel because she wasn't going to give up on her angel.

xxxxxx

But then the angel had to go and kill one of her oldest friends and leaves her to clutch the dead body with Bobby.

Oh and said angel also had to tear down Sammy's oh so very delicate and precious wall.

xxxxxx

She watches her brother from outside of the panic room and feels shame fill her because if she hadn't been so worried about Castiel this wouldn't have happened.

xxxxxx

She turns her back on them and ignores their comments and focuses on how to get Castiel back if he does take in the souls because if the angel got saved, so did Sam.

xxxxxx

He holds Sam down with her as their brother starts to shake and as he gazes into her eyes he tries to keep the accusation out of them because he wants to save the angel too, just not at the expense of anyone else.

xxxxxx

"Well hello darling, good to see you again."

She smiled weakly over at Balthazar but avoided his gaze because she didn't need any reminders, not on that day.

xxxxxx

("Ruby, how can you still defend him? You saw what he did to Sam, to Elle."

"He's my friend. That's how. It's simple Dean. We never gave up on Sam and Castiel doesn't deserve anything less."

"…"

"He's going to need us when this is over. And we're going to be there.")

xxxxxx

Castiel cuts off the deal and betrays the demon because he isn't so sure anymore and he misses his friends.

xxxxxx

She presses the note into Sam's hand besides the gun and kisses her brother's cheeks warmly and holds his body tight for a second because she wasn't sure if she was going to be returning.

If it meant sacrificing herself, she **would** save her angel.

xxxxxx

Castiel watches Balthazar die and feels a bit of his Grace shrivel because he was running out of allies and he needed _someone_.

xxxxxx

The angel should have known he'd get double-crossed; wouldn't be the first time either.

xxxxxx

She pulls herself out of the wreckage and ignores their glares because she **knows** Castiel wasn't responsible. She knows.

xxxxxx

They're all pinned and hurt and the end's coming but then it isn't because Castiel is there and he's okay and he's going to save them…except the angel's looking a bit weird and smug and of course he got to the souls first.

xxxxxx

After Raphael's dead and Crowley's disappeared (coward) she runs to Castiel and throws her arms around him, ignoring her husband because her home was alive and good and she could breathe again.

"You did it." She breathed, hands clutching his face.

"I did."

"You did it and the war's over and everything's okay now so you can stop now."

"…I don't understand."

She frowned, her joy flickering. "The souls. You can put them back now. It's okay."

Tilt of the head. "But I am not finished yet. I need to punish Raphael's followers; they must pay for their disobedience."

Tears began to make their way to her eyes again as her breathing quickened and she tightened her grip on his face. "No. No. No, Castiel. It's okay now. It's over. You can come back now. Please."

Castiel sighed and pressed his hands against her cheeks softly before pulling back and pushing her away. "There's no place to go back to."

"No, Cas," she made a move to go forward again but her husband caught her around the waist, spinning her behind him. "Let go!" she demanded but he simply tightened his grip and the next thing she knew she was spotting Sam with an angel blade walking up behind her angel.

"No!" She elbowed him as hard as she could manage before racing towards Castiel only to stop when Sam suddenly fell to the ground, moaning and clutching at this head. She sighed in relief and took another step forward before catching sight of the blade protruding from her home's back and falling to her knees.

xxxxxx

She's numb.

Right back to square one; numb.

Painfully numb, heartbreakingly numb. She could feel all emotion slip away leaving the bliss and flames and bitterness and she can't breathe as she watches her home and _pain_ takes over. She can vaguely hear her husband in the background and wisps of Sam's pained moans but none of this stops her eyes from over flooding with tears.

But then the angel was still standing and smirking and she wasn't sure what hurt more.

"The angel blade won't work on me Sam. I am no longer an angel." Castiel chastised and she almost let out a sob of relief at the sound of his voice. "I'm your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord, or I shall destroy you."

Right. Back. To. Numb.

**xxxxxx**

**A/N: And that is season six. I hope you all liked it and I will be back with the season seven chapter after May so until then, bye!**


End file.
